Recovery

I am day 2 post op, and feeling ok. The results were as good as could be expected. The doc said we needed to do the op - right ovary stuck down again and uterus skew due to adhesions - but ovaries look 'beautiful' and tubes are clear, and endemetriosis regrowth minimal!
He is worried about hubby's undescended testicle though and will be testing that next week.

Hope you are all well, and wanted to wish you guys a very happy new year!

Sabine

P.S. Brother's wedding was magnificent!

Up, Up and Away!

We leave for the airport in 20 minutes!

I will try to log on whenever I can with updates...but in the meantime, I wish you all a very happy xmas/chanukah and a fantastic new year!

~Sabine~

I've gone and done it.... (detox day - oh, who am I kidding?!)

I couldn't help myself, and neither could hubby...
I emailed my doc this morning, so will post his reply as soon as I get it.

Hopefully he will have some magic plan that I haven't thought of.
I will be 9dpo on the morning of my op, so I am hoping a blood test would pick up any HCG if there was any? Especially because my luteal phase is normally only 11-12 days?
Although if this ovulation is anything to go by - it's a weird month.

I don't know if I have jeopardized everything now, but I am tired of being stressed out by TTC.

It just took me 2.5 hours to get home in the snow, and no SA results in the post...

Detox has gone out of the window for now - did I mention it's cold! - but I have a sneaky suspicion it may have something to do with this very early ovulation?

More tomorrow, hopefully I will have more answers then?

~Sabine~

What the ?!!? (and detox days 8-9)

Something weird has happened. I think I'm about to ovulate. 

Yesterday I had some weird CM stuff going on. At one point I felt like I was starting a period even. This never happens to me.

Today I had some twinges in the right ovary.

So I did what I do best - I peed on a stick.

Am I going mad, or is this positive?

And now for the question:

My lap is on the 29th Dec. If I ovulate today, tomorrow will be 1dpo, right? Which will make me 9dpo on the day of the operation. 

Too risky to try now?

It goes against my very nature to ignore ovulation!! Especially when this will be the earliest I have ovulated ever in any cycle. With a 12 day luteal phase, this will be a 33 day cycle! Ovulation on day 21.

Usually, it's more like a 37/38 day cycle, with ovulation on day 26/27.

What do I do?!?!!

Today's weigh in: 64
(+0.6)
Total loss: 0.4 (shocking!! Diet is clearly out of the window but who cares, I'M OVULATING!!)

Days till Cape Town: 4

~Sabine~

Xmas parties (Detox - Day 7)

Last night was our work Christmas party, and today we had our work Christmas lunch. Suffice to say, I did NO work today, ate like a fiend, and I enjoyed every moment. I'm pretty sure the scales will not be happy tomorrow, and neither will my throat (which is already scratchy).

Our holiday is getting nearer and nearer, and I am both excited and nervous. I have A LOT to organise before we go. Usually, at this point I would be fully packed already but I haven't even begun and have tons of laundry to do. London has been snowy and cold and that pretty much demotivates me from doing anything other than lazing around under the duvet - not handy when you have crap loads to do!

I am also dreading not being able to post on my new blog for 3 whole weeks while I'm away. Although it's new, I've come to rely on it quite a bit, and I will miss all of you who read and comment. I will try to do some quick updates as I will have internet access, but I won't have my own computer and it will probably be near impossible to type anything up without anyone seeing. (This private blog thing definitely has it's downfalls!).

To make up for the looooong absense, I will promise to upload lots of stories and pictures of beautiful Cape Town when I return!

Today's weigh in: 63.4
(-0.3)
Total loss: 1.0

Days till Cape Town: 6

~Sabine~

Just call me the Tazmanian Devil.... (and detox day 6)

...because I am still in the hugest spin!

This is the Semen Fiasco update:
Husband called the nurse. She also refused to give him the results over the phone (so it must be hospital policy) but he managed to convince her to send them via post, which she agreed to do - we should receive them next week - hopefully before we leave for South Africa.

He asked her just to tell him whether is was positive or negative. She said she was not able to properly work it out and the results could easily be 'misunderstood' but they are positive AND negative?? And then she mentioned something about 8% but she didn't say 8% what!??!?
So ladies, what do you think... what could the 8% be?
But either way 8% of anything is NOT good when it comes to SA, right?!
Please help me before I drive myself mental.
Thanks!

Detox is not going well. I have done no exercise other than my usual walking to the tube and up the stairs. It started snowing yesterday and will apparently continue to do so till next week, so no chance of me running in those conditions. I have still been eating very well, but the weight is yo-yo'ing like crazy (kind of like my mind).

Today's weigh in: 63.7
(+0.4)
Total loss: 0.7

Days till Cape Town: 7

~Sabine~

In a spin...

Just got off the phone from the nurse at the fertility clinic at the hospital. She has the SA results. She refused to tell them to me over the phone. She insisted she wasn't allowed to give out results, and that we need to meet with the consultant to discuss them.
I am terrified. This must mean bad news, right?
I'm not sure how much more bad news I can take.
Isn't endo and pcos enough?!

(The appointment is only on the 26th Jan. An eternity worth of worrying away.)

~Sabine~

-5 degrees celcius!! - Day 5

I wasn't kidding, it's freezing! -5 to be exact.
This post is going to be short and sweet, simply because I can't feel my fingertips! haha

Today's weigh in: 63.3
(-0.3)
Total loss: 1.1 (woohooo!!)

Days till Cape Town: 8

Here are my rather embarrassing before/after shots. (may take these down later):

(photos removed)

Can you see any difference? I know it's not huge (excuse the pun!)

Hope you all are warm - wherever you are!

~Sabine~

Holiday next week! And detox - Day 4

I am starting to get very excited (read: anxious) for my holiday/brother's wedding/laparoscopy NEXT WEEK!
I cannot believe it's just around the corner now.

Yesterday was a good diet day. Isn't it weird that as soon as you decide to be healthier, your social life suddenly improves and all your friends want to eat out/have parties etc?
This week alone I have been to a party with only junk food, had a colleagues birthday (with cake) at work, dinner out at a friend's place tonight, dinner out with other friends tomorrow night and finally, a work xmas party on Thursday night. I have so far managed to dodge all the junk food. Nothing like being 9 days away from a beach holiday to put the willpower in place! If I can lose 2 kilos by then I will be thrilled! (Thinks it's possible?)
Tomorrow I will put up a couple of pics I found of myself in January, July, and then in November so you can see the weight loss so far this year - I need all the extra motivation I can get!

Today's weigh in: 63.6
(-0.3)
Total loss: 0.8

Days till Cape Town: 9

~Sabine~

Detox - Day 3

I have a new secret weapon, which I will reveal if you promise not to think I am crazy!
Promise? Yes? OK...

Baby food.
Not the gross spaghetti and meatballs variety, but the fruit purees.
This is my new fave:

Its organic, nothing added but pure fruit, and it is a GREAT guilt free dessert/snack. When I feel like something sweet, this beats everything.
Go on, give it a try - you know you want to ;)
(You can thank me later)

Yesterday, I did pretty well. We had dinner at a friend, where I ate more than I should, but I didn't have dessert so I will let it go. 

Exercise: I was lazy (Sunday, Cold!) so I didn't walk or anything, but I did some housework and then some toning exercises. Weekdays are better for me as I walk to and from the train station, and also climb about 70 stairs there per day.

Today's weigh in: 63.9
(+0.2)

Total loss: 0.5

Days till Cape Town: 10

~Sabine~

Detox - Day 2

It seems my scale was a bit off yesterday morning when I weighed myself, because when I did a follow up weigh-in, it said 64.4kg. So I will be recording that as my start weight.

Yesterday went well.  I went to a party where they served fish fingers, chips, cupcakes, cakes, sweets, and fizzy drinks. I managed to avoid everything, and just drank water, as detox day 1 was just fruit and water to get me started.

Today I will move onto my normal plan which I mentioned yesterday. I am not looking for a quick fix, I want to get back into my healthy living eating that I started before I got married, and I managed to maintain that for 7 months almost. The main diet point, and the only 'diet' that has ever worked for me is 'no wheat'.
It was quite a revelation as to how much my body hates wheat. I don't think it's an allergy, just an intolerance. So that's what I will be re-introducing: no wheat, no sugars, sat fats, take-outs, fast food, ready meals. Of course, once in a while is fine - everything in moderation - and I want to enjoy my holiday too. Right now, I am off to make my famous veg and barley soup, which will keep me warm in this FREEZING weather.

Today's weigh in: 63.7
(-0.7)
I'm sure this is just water


Days till Cape Town: 11


~Sabine~

Detox - Day 1

Oh My...
To start off the day, I stepped on the scale.

BIG mistake - excuse the pun.
(or maybe just the motivation I need?)

65kgs exactly.

Just as I suspected, the weight has been steadily creeping back up, and gaining back 3kg's in 4 months is so unacceptable - especially after I worked SO hard to get there in the first place! A slap in my own face.

Today I am living by the motto:
NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS THIN FEELS!!!

Detox plan for this week:
Only fruit in the morning.
Salad with a protein for lunch/home made soup
Lean protein/fish with vegetables.
Only water to drink.
20 mins exercise per day (will probably choose brisk walking/jogging) and then some toning exercises.

Ugh, dreading it already. Especially because I have 2 parties to go to this weekend! And it is so cold in London at the moment, it's hard to get out of bed....

Uh oh, here I go with the excuses again...
Muttering under my breathe 'nothing tastes as good as thin feels, nothing tastes as good as thin feels, nothing.....

~Sabine~

Weekend!!!

Yay, it's the weekend!
And I got to leave work early today - there was a fire alarm, and the boss said we could leave 1 and a half hours early!! Wheeeeee

Following on my from yesterday's post, I met up with some old friends for lunch and I felt so horrible in my skin. Not confident at all. So, I have decided - I have 12 days left till my holiday and I am starting my detox/healthy living plan tomorrow. I figure I need to distract myself anyway, since I have to hold off on TTC for the next couple of months, and also to keep my mind busy so I don't stress over the impending laparoscopy. It will also help my recovery, I'm sure, if I am healthier.

I will document my progress here, so that I keep myself motivated.
Tomorrow counts as day one.

Hope you all have a great weekend!

~Sabine~

Weight Loss Struggles (PCOS - the gift that keeps on giving!)

You may have noticed the new ticker at the bottom of the page. My very own blog page guilty conscience!
A weight loss ticker.
I have been in the 'overweight' category for a long time. I spent a lot of time blaming my PCOS/Insulin resistance but the truth is, I love food. And I hate exercise. Not a winning combo.

I started off about 10kg (22 pounds/1.57 stone) overweight. (commonly known as the 'Heathrow Injection*')
I made my goal 12kg to lose. Boy, was I optimistic.
For my wedding day, I made it to about 9kg loss. This took 6 months of sheer will power and lots of exercise. I started to run, and I don't think I have ever run anywhere in my life before! I ate SO well.
But try as I may I could just not shift that extra weight.
I really *do* think it's the PCOS guys! It has to be!

Since the wedding day, I have lost some of my willpower (ok, ALL of it) and have gained back about 2.5 3kgs) which is shocking and disappointing. I am hating myself for it, never mind I have a wedding to go to in 2 weeks! I shudder at the thought. Also my skin is worse than ever, and that's fine to hide in a cold country, but I won't be able to cover up in a couple of weeks time.

I am hoping the doc will prescribe Metformin to make this journey a little less like 'Mission Impossible' but I need to get my willpower back, and I just don't know how!

~Sabine~

*A metaphor for the weight one inevitably gains when one migrates to London for an extended stay. It is attributable to the face-paced lifestyle that leads one to eating mostly take-away and fast foods.

Dear Diary, Love Anonymous

I have been thinking about this one for a while. Some of you may or may not have realised that Sabine is not my real name, rather a nickname my mom gave me when I was little.

I know there are a LOT of TTC/Infertility blogs out there. Some people blog openly and let everyone know about it. Some do not.

I never thought I would be the 'not' girl, especially since I am just about the most un-shy person you could ever meet. I would be happy to disclose almost anything to a perfect stranger. Seriously, I am very open. And random strangers tell me their secrets all the time. I don't know why, but I must have a trustworthy face :)

Even my husband does not know about the existence of this blog.
I wanted to start it as *my* thing.
I didn't want to share it with anyone I know.
The main reason for this is that I don't want to be afraid to say exactly what I want, warts and all. I don't want to start subconsciously editing what I say. And I don't want to be afraid of saying anything I want without suffering the consequences. I want to be selfish for once.

And most of all, I am scared. I can't tell anyone in real life how badly I want a baby. And just how hard that has been and will continue to be, to make a reality.
Maybe I will change my mind as I go along. But for now, this is my safe place. My sanctuary.

Do you guys blog openly or anonymously? And why?

~Sabine~

I've been thinking...

....about this semen analysis thing.

I was always so focused on getting it done that it never occured to me to worry about the outcome.
Now he's done it, I am a little worried freaking out about the results.

Call me crazy, but I'm not worried about if its low, as opposed to how devastated my hubby would be if it was low.
I don't want his ego to be hurt, and I worry how it would affect him and also our relationship IF there was something wrong with him.

I would prefer the blame of infertility all on me if possible.
We have done the SA as part of routine procedure, but WHAT IF?

He was born with one undescended testicle, which was corrected via surgery when he was about 10, and let's just say, I hate Dr. Google.

"Men who have had an undescended testicle have lower sperm counts, poorer quality sperm and lower fertility rates than men whose testicles descended normally. "

and then:

"If you have only one testicle you may be worrying about fertility. Although the undescended testicle probably isn’t doing much, you need not be too worried because your other normal testicle is likely to be producing many millions of sperms."

I feel sick with worry.

I've changed my mind: I don't want to know the results.

~Sabine~

Mean girl

I have taken to calling my hubby 'my little w*nker' since yesterday....
How long do you think I can keep it up before he gets mad!?
Anyhoo, I am enjoying my little joke.
Who said infertility wasn't funny?!?

~Sabine~

Mission accomplished...

Hubby did his SA today.
So relieved and happy he did it with no complaints! (not that I was expecting any, but for some reason I felt quite guilty asking him to do this).

And now, in true NHS style, we will probably only have the results next year! Crazy...

21 days till my holiday - about the only thing keeping me going right now!

~Sabine~

Jersey Boys

Last night I went to the theatre with one of my friends for a girlie night out. This is definitely one of London's perks - but only once in a while cos it's so damn expensive!
We went to see Jersey Boys - The story of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, and it was so much fun!
Just what the doctor ordered.

And speaking of doctors: this morning I went for my day 3 blood test. Yes, period showed up and I feel oddly nonchalant about it.
Tomorrow hubby will do his SA.
My mom told me today that she conceived my sister, brother and I in the first month they tried. Which was reassuring (she has endo too) and depressing at the same time, as clearly it's not going to be that easy for us. I am pinning a lot of hope on this laparoscopy next month, and just hoping it turns out to be worth the pain.

In other news, my hubby got a promotion today and I am so proud - he really deserves it!

And now, I am going to watch some mindless TV and try to relax my exhausted and stressed out brain!

~Sabine~

Oooops!

So, apparently I should not be reminding my hubby every 5 minutes that his semen analysis is on Wednesday. I also should probably not be reminding him he needs to 'clear the pipes' in advance, specifically 3-5 days beforehand.

Such reminders are not helpful as he reminded me through gritted teeth.
Oooops!!

~Sabine~

Enforced break

Although my period has not shown up properly yet, I have the usual spotting thing going on that I always get a couple of days before. AF should show today or tomorrow.

I feel OK about it. I mean, nothing has changed with me in regards to Endo and PCOS. I am pretty sure my body won't spontaneously start to work. I usually believe in miracles, but I don't know. I am so bogged down by the science and statistics of it all, and just not feeling very hopeful.

This feeling has been made worse by the fact I just realised that I will probably ovulate in the week of my laparoscopy next month (29 Dec), which means I will not be TTC on that cycle and most likely not on the cycle after that either while my body is healing.
This means two whole months of not being able to try, and that makes me scared and anxious.

Also, up until the end of March next year, I will most likely be traveling for work a lot, and could potentially miss those months too.

Just CANNOT fathom being forced to wait 4 whole months without even trying.

I guess I am feeling a little hopeless.
This too shall pass...

~Sabine~

2WW

This time around, the 2WW is kicking my ass.

I think it's because I have hope.
Damn those positive OPK sticks, damn them.
At least when you don't get a positive, your expectations are low, and I am ALL about managing my expectations.

I can do a 360 within split seconds: 'This must be my month - I have never felt this before." to 'I feel nothing, it's all in my head, I have PCOS, I have Endo. This will NEVER happen naturally for me - who am I kidding?"

I sometimes forget to breathe.
Then I berate myself for getting so stressed.
*Everyone* knows if you 'just relax' it will happen <-- See, I can still make jokes despite my current personal hell!

Does this ever get easier? I am looking for signs everywhere, but just can't see any.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Edited to add: Looks like I shouldn't have wasted my time with all this angst - I started spotting this morning. Which means period tomorrow. Which means I have an 11/12 day luteal phase. This is too short, right? I feel really, really stupid for actually being hopeful...

~Sabine~

How we met

A bit overdue, since I promised this last week!
Will try to keep it short and sweet :)

I was 19 and living in South Africa.
He was 18, had left South Africa and was living in Germany serving his time in the army.

I chatted only with school friends on IRC - not a dating site, but a chat site for South Africans.
He chatted on IRC to keep in contact with his old friends in SA.
Neither of us went online looking for love.

I *never* spoke to strangers, but we had a mutual friend, so when he started talking to me one day, I didn't ignore him like the rest.
And we started chatting online. 

He helped me with college projects. I spoke to him about his new life in Germany.
We exchanged pictures, sometimes we spoke using webcams.
But we were friends. Nothing more.

This went on for almost 5 years!
During that time, I finished college, moved countries, broke up with my first boyfriend, and more. He continued in the army in Germany and planned to make a career of it.
We continued to talk over the internet, and he used to phone me from the base. I convinced myself we were just friends.

One day he calls me. He has a holiday booked over Christmas. He is coming to London to stay with his friend, can we meet?

I said, definitely not! He could be anyone! He's a stranger!
He laughed and pointed out we had been talking to each other for 5 years!
I eventually caved. I remember I had a terrible cold and had lost my voice. I made him travel all by himself on the underground on his first ever time in London to come meet me.
I was a horrible bitch!

And he did. And we were together from that very day on. In those first 5 days together, he already told me he loved me. It was intense.
He had to go back to complete his stint in the army for 6 months, during which time we saw each other a grand total of twice!

And then he moved to London to be with me.
I said he could stay with me till he found a job and his own place.
I never could get rid of him! We have been living together since that first day.

After 5 years of living together, he asked me to marry him, and I, of course, said yes.

We have known each other for 10 years now and I still cannot believe how lucky I am.

~Sabine~

Cranberry juice galore

I think I have the start of a UTI.
I am 8dpo (thanks Vanessa for helping me figure that out!).
I cannot take medication because I *might* be pregnant. Which just annoys me. Why do I have to act all pregnant when clearly I am not?

I have never had a UTI before. I stupidly thought, omg, I must be pregnant, this is different to any cycle I have ever had. I feel PAIN - YAY! And I was happy about the pain guys! HAPPY.
This TTC stuff has clearly made me mental!

Since I have never had one of these suckers before, I will document my symptoms:
- Twinges in my bladder (I thought uterus - hahahaha, who was I kidding?!)
- Need to pee all the time
- No relief after I have peed

Must be early stages though, because no burning or pain when passing urine, just the constant need to, and also there is always pee there when I go.

I have no other phantom pregnancy pains I can dream up. My boobs feel completely normal.

I am so sad right now.

On another note, my ovaries are so sore. Do any of you have PCOS and if so, is it possible to have cysts at 8dpo?

Thanks for reading this very woe-is-me post.

~Sabine~

If it ain't broke, don't fix it

Firstly, a slight rant. Why do people think its appropriate to file their manky nails on the tube!?! Never mind the grating noise, but who wants dirty old nail dust flying at you in the morning? Grrrr...

You know how normally you wouldn’t notice your little toe, but then you stub it and all of a sudden, you are acutely aware of every move you make?

Well, that’s exactly how I feel this cycle. Except replace toe with ovaries and uterus.

Firstly, I’m not sure how many DPO (Days past ovulation) I am, because, quite frankly, I suck at this TTC game.
I had a very positive OPK on Saturday at 3pm, then another positive on Sunday at 11am. Slightly, slightly lighter than the Saturday one, but I would still call it a positive. When I tested on Monday there was not even a hint of a line. Snow white.
It’s now Thursday 4pm.
Anyone want to hazard a guess at how many DPO I am? Pretty please?
It would make obsessing so much easier if I knew :)

Either way, my logical mind knows that if I were to miraculously get pregnant this month all by myself, it is way too early to have any kind of symptoms.
But, like the big toe analogy, I am so aware of everything.
I am a hopeless 'hope addict'.

Today I have been having the weirdest sensation in what I think is my uterus? Low down, just above my pubic bone, slightly off centre.
Normally, any pain I have I would attribute to cysts on the ovaries, but this is nowhere near my ovary.
And its a pinching twinge. Same spot each time.
Lame description, I know.
No idea what to make of it, but OWW!

~Sabine~


P.S. For those who asked, I am promise to post the ‘how we met’ story tomorrow. Feeling the pressure now, hope it lives up to expectations!

Comic relief

I work as a designer on the world’s most boring economic magazine (just take my word for it!!).
What could possible be more boring than a supplement all about wastewater?
For the cover image, I sent my very straight laced and serious editor a lovely picture of clear blue water.

He sent back this email:

“It needs more turds”

I answered:
“I can't stop laughing! I did debate comping some in to show you, but I have just eaten lunch and couldn't bring myself to!”

To which he replied:
“On a serious note, there are many different types of turd. Some can be visually quite arresting”

How do you respond to that one?!

~Sabine~

Four Months

Today, for four months I have been happily married!

We are one of those couples who met when we were young

(me: 23, hubby: 21)

Yes, I am a cradle snatcher, but there are a few months in every year when he is only 1 year younger than me, so it's not all bad ;)

Sorry, got distracted there for a minute!

Anyway, where was I? Yes, well, since we met each other when we were so young, there was never ever the discussion of marriage, kids etc. It was just for fun. He lived in a whole different country when we met.

(If you guys are interested, we have quite an awesome 'how we met' story, so if you want to hear it, let me know and I will do a separate post.)

We always said, when we want to start a family, we would get married. And that's exactly what we've done. On one hand, I hope we didn't wait too long. On the other hand, I am glad we are both on the same page now and 'ready'.

From a selfish perspective, I like the fact it's just the two of us. That we have each other to love and look after. Sometimes I worry about how much that would change after we have babies.

I can see with some of my friends who have recently had kids, how they hardly talk to each other any more. How stressed and tired they are. How the only conversation they do have is about feeds, burping, and constipation! We went to the pub for lunch on Sunday and our friends actually discussed their babies bowel movements over lunch! How did that happen!?

I was appalled...

OK, fine...and jealous!

But, rambling aside, what do you guys think?

What happens to your relationship once you have a baby?

Does it get stronger? Does it make it more challenging?
Is this one of those taboo subjects we are not supposed to talk about?

~Sabine~

P.S. Please don't misunderstand this post. Both myself and hubby are SO READY for a baby. We want it so so badly. Oh, jeez, I don't want to jinx anything by pressing 'publish'.....

Oh, what the hell.....

It"s a little bit weird...

...how absolutely ELATED I am, to see a simple line on an ovulation stick. But I am. I am just so so relieved to see my body doing what it's meant to. I was so afraid it wasn't.

After a week of these.....

All of a sudden, I got this!

And it came up within seconds. A line darker than the control line!! Woot!!!!
Last month I didn't even come close! Not even a hint of a line.
This is a good line, right?

Hurdle number one is crossed...
Oh please, let this be my month!

And if anyone is reading this, please let me know how you are getting on too?
Don't want to be alone in this rollercoaster of a ride...

~Sabine~

P.S. My laparoscopy is booked for next month, so it would be a double blessing if this actually worked this month, and I could avoid the op? Wow, I am full of wishful thinking today. Going to enjoy the optimism while it lasts!

All systems go?

This will be cycle number 5.

I am going in guns blazing. I am nothing if not organised :)

Step 1: Detect ovulation 

As you can see, no luck so far. Should be ovulating on Friday(ish) and meant to go for my blood tests then too, although I still don't know what they are checking for?

Step 2: Get my body ready (Pregnacare conception & Evening Primrose)

Step 3: A little help from a friend (Preseed - I figured it couldn't hurt?)

Step 4: Relax?

Never mind the 2 week wait, I will probably be finished this book in 2 hours! Oh, Edward Cullen, I love you....

Step 5: Pretty please, Fertility g-ds??!

~Sabine~

Message to a friend...

I finally plucked up the courage to reply to my friend's 'are you mad at me?' text message, after having it weigh on my mind all day.

Me: "Been very, very stressed with work, health etc, just trying to get through to be honest"

Her: "OK, cool!! Glad I haven't done something to upset you!"

OK, cool?? COOL?! I just told you I am doing terribly, and THAT'S your response? Relief?
Please bear in mind that this is one of my closest friends, I have know her since we were 6 years old. It's not like she doesn't know me well...

Am I overreacting here?
It's no wonder I have not told her about my hospital appointment, or would ever dream of telling her I am TTC.
Just because it's an old friendship, does not mean it's a good one.
I feel so very sad.

~Sabine~

Drama Drama!

I just have not exhaled all morning, it's been a morning of sheer drama.
I am tired, so I think I will bullet point this one!
In no particular order:

• Hubby passed his exam - woohooo!
• Press deadline at work today
• Illustrator's agent slammed the phone down on me - yes, you read that right!
• High maintenance friend sent me the same text message she sends me almost every week: "Are you annoyed with me? Have I done something wrong? Feel like I haven't heard from you in ages"
• Pipe in bathroom broke, and emergency plumber had to be called

The text message from the friend is weighing heavily on my mind. Yes, I am annoyed with her. Why? Because it always about her. It's disappointing. It's hurtful. I went for dinner with her, and she didn't even ask me how I was?! As much as I want to spend all night discussing her fictional boyfriend whom she has never met (sarcasm), it would be nice if she pretended to care how I am.
Even her text messages are all about her. "Are you upset with me? Have I done something wrong. ME ME ME!"

OK, I am kind of losing a leg to stand on here, since I am writing this on a blog which is all about ME, but still!
What should I do? Tell her? Accept that that's what she's like? I should mention, I don't do confrontation well. Help!

~Sabine~

Testing, Testing, 1-2-3

Since I am boring you all to tears with speak of tests, I will only mention one more, but its of a different kind for a change...
Tomorrow morning, my hubby is writing the first of 5 (I think) exams towards his qualification.
He has never studied for anything before and I am more nervous than him.
I would never tell him that, though, so I am letting it out here instead - lucky you ;).
Please, please hold your thumbs for him for tomorrow morning!?!

This week in London has been cold and dark, and my mood is definitely reflecting that.
So cannot wait for my trip in December.
So cannot wait to finish this redundancy process next week.

Focusing on the positive...

You may remember the other day I was talking about how from now on, I am going to have a PMA (positive mental attitude).
Yesterday, on the way back from my horrible scan, seeing all those cysts covering my ovaries through eyes blurred with tears, I walked past a building with this name outside:

PMA Training

I'm taking that as a sign.

~Sabine~

Verdict

Cysts, cysts everywhere.
I already knew this, so why am I so upset?

~Sabine~

Sinus hell

Apologies for my absence.
Besides for the time I have spent at work (a lot), I have been lying face down on my cool bathroom tiles crying like a baby from the sinus pain.
I am feeling quite exhausted from it all, and live in fear of the next 'attack'.
Sounds so dramatic, but oh, the pain!

In a couple of hours I will head off to the hospital for my ultrasound.
Hopefully they will tell me what they see on the spot, but knowing the NHS, I will probably have to wait till I meet with the consultant for any answers.
Will update again this afternoon to let you know how it went.

Now I am going to admit something so cringeworthy.... Should I? Shouldn't I?
What the hell.
Is it just me who secretly fantasizes about there miraculously being a fetus in there when they do they ultrasound?
"Who? Me? Pregnant? You don't say!....
No need for fertility treatments? Wa-heey!"

Wow, was this not the most boring/embarrassing post in the world ever?!! Please can I blame it on being doped up on sinus medication? Pretty please?
Will have to try harder next time :)

~Sabine~

Analyse this

So, I was running late for work this morning, as usual, and I was thinking, for someone who runs late a lot, maybe that's why my cycles are so long? Part of my personality?!

This morning, hubby was opening the post, and I hear this really strange laughter. And more laughter, and then it turned into what I thought sounded like nervous laughter. You guessed it, a letter in the post for him for his semen analysis appointment.
On the 2nd of December...AGES away!
He has been so great about it, did not complain once. The only thing he said to me was that he wished it was sooner so he could 'get it over with'. Yeah, me too buddy!

So being the impatient thoughtful wife I am, I called the clinic to try see if I could get him an earlier appointment. (Yes, of course I had an ulterior motive - I want results, like yesterday!)
And yes, you guessed right again - fully booked.
So, he is on the waiting list in case there are any cancellations, along with 6 other men who apparently also have impatient thoughtful wives ;)

In other news, I am currently high on Sudafed as my right sinus has been agony all day long, and been playing up all week.

Oh, and I am about to go watch Project Runway - happy days!

Happy weekend everyone!

~Sabine~

Happy days

Despite everything, I am feeling all skippy and happy today!
I guess I am having one of my rare glass half full days, when I realise just how damn *lucky* I am. I know things aren't perfect, but it could be so much worse.
Here is a countdown to a few things I am looking forward to:

6 days
Finally! Ultrasound day! Please don't judge me for being excited about this, just so happy to get this ball rolling. Look what the NHS has done to me - made me excited for an ultrasound. If I weren't so bloody happy I would be worried about my enthusiasm...

14 days
On this day last year, my gorgeous hubby got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. Simply the most romantic moment of my life.
Is it weird to celebrate your first year engagement if you're already married? Yes? Well, I don't care!
Ironically, it happened after I had a particularly shitty day at work and this brings me to the next point.... Today I will find out about my redundancy and finally get that worry off my shoulders. It has been so dragged out. And there is a light at the end of the tunnel. This all forces me to get out of a job I hate and have hated for almost 3 years.

55 days
I will be jetting off home to Cape Town for 3 whole weeks...

59 days
....because, it's my brother's wedding day! He caught the garter at my wedding, and got engaged 2 days later (just a coincidence - he already had the ring, but I think it's cute anyway)

61 days
Until my laparoscopy. Excited for a surgery? Psycho much?
Is it ironic that it's quicker for me to fly to South Africa to have surgery than to wait in the UK for it? It also took me about 5 minutes to arrange. I miss South Africa...
I must be the only person I know who schedules surgery on her holiday, AND looks forward to it.
Ok, I will admit, I am very nervous too.

What are you guys happy about?

~Sabine~

My first appointment, NOT with a FS!

Firstly, my apologies for my very self pitying post yesterday. After this rant, I am going to try to let it go and start focusing on the positive (someone please pull me up on this later!).

Basically I just felt my appointment was useless and a waste of time.
The person I saw ended up being a nurse who was very unhelpful. I was told to fill out a form stating our history, which she didn't even glance at, but managed to completely belittle my fears, and did not answer any questions I had.

She said I need to come in for further testing (I had to go to each department and then schedule these myself) according to specific days in my cycle. I told her my cycle is irregular. I also just about managed to get in about the brown periods and she said I should count those as CD1, but literally she hardly gave me the opportunity to speak.
The only thing I managed to ask was: "What is the waiting time for IVF?"
Well, she practically jumped down my throat at his question, like how could I have the audacity to ask that. She said lots of people in my position conceive just fine without IVF, which is fair enough, but she didn't even know my history, how could she know what my position is?

Anyway, the whole thing lasted about 3 minutes, and I need to go back for two blood tests, and an ultrasound scan, although I have no idea what these blood tests are for?
And my hubby needs to have a sperm analysis which is at a completely different hospital much further away.
After all these results come back, only then I will be able to schedule an appointment with the actual fertility specialist, and this could take another 6-8 weeks.

I need to take the positive out of this, and think at least the ball is rolling now. However slow that rolling may be!

Also, the place was crawling with pregnant woman, I think they should make them go through the side entrance ;P

Just kidding.....kind of!!

~Sabine~

Disappointment

What is worse than expecting to see a specialist, but instead finding yourself talking to the most uncaring and impatient nurse, who could give two shits about what you have gone through?

Finding out 5 minutes after you left that yet another one of your friends is pregnant.

More later when I can breathe.

~Sabine~

D-Day

Tomorrow is my first appointment with the Fertility Specialist. I am trying not to get my hopes up, I need to be level-headed and not expect everything to be sorted in a day.
In fact, I'm pretty sure absolutely none of my questions will be answered tomorrow, and no tests performed. Everything is so slow on the NHS, and I need to adjust my expectations accordingly.
I just want things to move along as quickly as possible.

I am hoping and praying that because my issues have already been diagnosed, I will be put on the IVF waiting list immediately. That would be my best case scenario.
In reality, what will probably happen is that I'll repeat all my history and I will then have to wait and wait, and wait some more.
Who knows. Trying not to worry about it, but can't help it!

We changed the clocks back today (daylight saving) and so I feel all out of whack today.
Was meant to go for a run, but just could not be bothered. Feeling kinda guilty about that.

In a bit of a low place right now. Hoping things will pick up soon. This clock changing business doesn't help. It's now darker even earlier and it's freezing!

~Sabine~

Living with Endometriosis

I don't want to bore everyone with the details about this condition, but if you want more info, click here.

When I was about 23, I noticed some unusual changes in my monthly cycle.
A lot of my friends told me not to worry, periods change as you get older.
So I thought nothing more about it.

On a routine visit to my gynae, and right at the very end of all the check-ups and scans, I happened to mention some of these changes.
I had no idea that I had listed about 4 out of the 5 symptoms of endemetriosis.
But my gynae (who is the most brilliant doctor) recognised them immediately.

I will never forget what he asked next:
"Have you heard of endemetriosis?"

I had no clue.
I had never even heard the word.

The very next morning I was in the theatre undergoing my first laparoscopy. What he found was stage 2 endo, affecting the ovaries, uterus, bowel and pouch of douglas. Thankfully, my tubes were unaffected.

I have had 2 surgeries since then, and am scheduled for another on the 29th December of this year.
I have always been so so thankful above all things. Thankful that my doctor was great enough to recognise my symptoms. Thankful that he acted so quickly. Thankful that I was young when I found out about this condition so that it could be managed. Well, as well as endo can be managed.
I am painfully aware that many, many women only discover they have this condition once they start to try for a baby, and by then it may be too late, and the disease too advanced.

From that first surgery, my doctor always tried to convince me to start trying for a baby immediately. I was already seeing my husband, but we were young, him younger than me even, and immature, and poor, and living far away from home in a foreign country. And we were not married.
I remember him joking: "you'd be surprised how quickly your parents will organise a beautiful wedding for you if you get pregnant!"

And since then, every year, I know I have had a decision to make, and that I would have to live with that outcome.
Try for a baby immediately, even though I am not ready OR
Wait till I am ready and take the chance that my fertility may have declined by then.

In the end, I think I picked the middle road. I am ready, we are married, and very importantly, my husband is ready too.

Despite this, I am now struggling a little bit with my choice.
Did we wait to long? Did we risk our chances?

I'm afraid I'm about to find out.
And I am terrified.

~Sabine~

TMI*

The majority of today was spent having wave after wave of anxiety about something that was posted on a fertility forum.

Someone asked:
"My AF** has been a week late, today I have started getting the brown discharge which tells me AF is on its way which will make my Cycle 35 Days when it is usually 28 Days.
Now the Question do I count the brown discharge as day 1 ???"

A whole lot of people responded by saying the cycle only starts on the first day of fresh red flow.
Cue nervous breakdown.

I don't get 'fresh red flow'. Ever.
Now, I know I have some fertility issues, but have I been in complete and utter denial about how bad this is?
I always thought, something is better than nothing? I must be ovulating? Now I'm not so sure. And I am in panic mode. Does this mean I do not have cycles?
This appointment with the specialist just cannot come soon enough. Can this problem be resolved?

I am very frightened for the appointment. I think this may be worse than I thought.
WAY worse.
And I'm not sure I am ready for worse.

Any thoughts/words of wisdom welcome.

~Sabine~

*Too much information
**period

Boring update...already!

I am only on week one of blogging, and already a boring update entry! I am so ashamed! Please forgive me!
Meeting today at work went as well as a redundancy meeting can go.
After all the angst, I played the 'keep shtum*' tactic, and it worked!
Seems that made them a little nervous and the new offer is for me to stay on at work till March next year (the rest of the office will be made redundant in December) and I will need to travel to the overseas office 'regularly' between Jan and March.
For this pleasure, they are offering a settlement which amounts to about 6 and a half months salary on top of my regular salary for those 3 months.

The only downside is that all this travel is likely to interfere with baby making.
They said they would be flexible if I need to stay here for job interviews etc.
Does a date with the hubby count as an interview?!
I think so .... :)

* Definition: Say nothing - especially in circumstances where saying the wrong thing may get you into trouble.

~Sabine~

Poker face

Tomorrow I meet with my boss to discuss redundancy related issues, and I am going to try to negotiate a better package. Turns out they need me to stay on and help with handovers and to fly over to their overseas office a lot from January to March...
This is turning out to be a blessing in disguise, besides for the fact I am a nervous wreck. Slept for a grand total of four hours last night worrying about it all.
Will update tomorrow after the meeting.

And also poke-r face, because in completely unrelated events, I went for lunch with my 41 year old cousin yesterday, who POKES me every three seconds!
Do you know the type? Talk, poke, poke, talk, poke. Just because I am not looking directly in your eyes does NOT mean I am not listening!
Sometimes, when the poking seems insufficient, you get the pushing/nudging/slapping too. I swear, I am bruised. And after all this, I never managed to get a word in - she just talked at me. I swear, two hours was like two years!

What's that saying: you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family!

~Sabine~

Cycle update

So weird posting about my cycles on the internet, still going to try get my head around this one...
But needed to update to say, I think I am out this month. Started spotting this morning.
Trying to keep my head up, but beginning to worry that this will never happen for me.
I know I need to keep positive. And I knew going in to this that chances are very high that it may not happen naturally because of the PCOS and Endo.

But secretly, I was so confident it would happen easily for me, that I would be the one where the doctors were wrong.

Sorry, depressing post. Sure I will get over it soon...

~Sabine~

P.S. To my great surprise, the NHS (National Health Service in London) has referred me to see a specialist next Monday. Next Monday people! Those who live in London will understand the awesomeness of how quick it was for me to get an appointment! The one silver lining of having previously diagnosed PCOS and Endo...a quick NHS referral! woohoo! It's all about the small things :)

The one where I go symptom spotting

As I mentioned in a previous post, my cycles are far from regular. This month, in fact, I am currently on CD35, and my average cycle length is 37 days.
But none of my OPK's have come up positive, and I have been testing since CD20. Last month I think I ovulated on day 24/25, and if that's anything to go on, I estimate I'm 10dpo. IF I even ovulated. And that's a big if.

This time last month, I had what I though were some symptoms. Oh how my husband laughed when I used the word symptoms. He was all like, 'it's a pregnancy we're after, not a disease.'

This time, nada. Slight twinge this morning which felt a bit like period pains, but nothing since.

I think I will put up this sign for now:
Gone fishing spotting!

P.S. We just got back from visiting a friend and her 10 day old baby. My hubby held her (the baby, not my friend!), and to my great embarrassment, my eyes welled up! Oh, what a sight...think he may be more broody than me now...

~Sabine~

A spanner in the works...

...a fly in the ointment
...a spoke in the wheel
or whichever other cutesie saying you can think of, to say:

Looks like the economy has bitten me in the ass.
My entire office is being shut down and relocated overseas.
If I don't want to relocate (which I don't) I will lose my job.

Is it sad that the main reason this upsets me is not that I will be jobless, but that I will be maternity benefit-less?

The job is due to end at the end of December, and maybe I am really naive but I am hoping I will be knocked up before then.
This leaves me with a dilemma. What if it takes me more than a couple of months to find a new job?
Will companies hire me if I am pregnant? And if they do, will I be entitled to benefits?

The sad reality is that we can not survive on my husband's income alone.
If I am out of work, and unable to claim company maternity benefits, we will struggle to afford a child.

And yet, I don't want to stop trying. I just can't.
It breaks my heart just thinking about it.

What an impossible situation.
What do you think? Stop trying until I get a new job?
Take a chance and pray that things work out how they should?

~Sabine~

Obsession (and I don't mean the perfume)

One of the main reasons I started this blog is because I have a confession to make.

I'm obsessed.

Full on, crazy, weird-as-hell obsessed, with anything related to TTC
and...
I don't want my husband to know!

Even though he is the most caring, wonderful and patient man, I harbor a very real, but very secret fear that if he knew how much I thought about it, dreamt about it, searched google etc, he would think I was crazy. And sometimes I think I wouldn't blame him for thinking that. (and it would be nice to have my marriage last more than 3 months!)

Why is it that as soon as you are ready to start trying, you are suddenly, overwhelmingly, really really ready?

Each day waiting is agony, only abated by peeing on random sticks, forums and internet searches! (may as well lock me up now!)

This waiting is exactly the problem.
You see, I have the worlds longest cycles. So where a fellow ttc'er has had 2 cycles of trying, I am still stuck on the measly first cycle.
(I should add I am on cycle 3, and have been TTC since July)

In blogs to come:
Job hell
Surgery
Fertility specialists
and much much more....

For now, I am off to dream about resisting the urge to pee on many, many sticks. I am in the dreaded two week wait.

Thanks for reading...feels so good to get it off my chest.

~Sabine~

The Precarious First Entry

So, here we go.
For this one, I plan on taking the easy way out and am going to list 10 random facts about me:

1) I am almost 30
2) I'm female
3) I named this blog for all those things I feel are so unattainable right now...
4) And because I usually live in a fantasy world
5) I have serious deja vu right now (blog in a past life perhaps - or just too much time spent reading blogs?)
6) I live far away from 'home' and my family and it's been that way for 7 years.
7) I never intended to live anywhere but home (I'm the only person I know who emigrated with a backpack)
8) I am recently married (to the most amazing man in the world - just take my word for it for now, or at least while the rose-tinted newly-married spectacles are on)
9) I want a baby.... badly
10) ...but have Endometriosis and PCOS

and a bonus bullet point:
11) I doubt anyone other than me will ever read this blog

~Sabine~