Oooops!

So, apparently I should not be reminding my hubby every 5 minutes that his semen analysis is on Wednesday. I also should probably not be reminding him he needs to 'clear the pipes' in advance, specifically 3-5 days beforehand.

Such reminders are not helpful as he reminded me through gritted teeth.
Oooops!!

~Sabine~

Enforced break

Although my period has not shown up properly yet, I have the usual spotting thing going on that I always get a couple of days before. AF should show today or tomorrow.

I feel OK about it. I mean, nothing has changed with me in regards to Endo and PCOS. I am pretty sure my body won't spontaneously start to work. I usually believe in miracles, but I don't know. I am so bogged down by the science and statistics of it all, and just not feeling very hopeful.

This feeling has been made worse by the fact I just realised that I will probably ovulate in the week of my laparoscopy next month (29 Dec), which means I will not be TTC on that cycle and most likely not on the cycle after that either while my body is healing.
This means two whole months of not being able to try, and that makes me scared and anxious.

Also, up until the end of March next year, I will most likely be traveling for work a lot, and could potentially miss those months too.

Just CANNOT fathom being forced to wait 4 whole months without even trying.

I guess I am feeling a little hopeless.
This too shall pass...

~Sabine~

2WW

This time around, the 2WW is kicking my ass.

I think it's because I have hope.
Damn those positive OPK sticks, damn them.
At least when you don't get a positive, your expectations are low, and I am ALL about managing my expectations.

I can do a 360 within split seconds: 'This must be my month - I have never felt this before." to 'I feel nothing, it's all in my head, I have PCOS, I have Endo. This will NEVER happen naturally for me - who am I kidding?"

I sometimes forget to breathe.
Then I berate myself for getting so stressed.
*Everyone* knows if you 'just relax' it will happen <-- See, I can still make jokes despite my current personal hell!

Does this ever get easier? I am looking for signs everywhere, but just can't see any.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Edited to add: Looks like I shouldn't have wasted my time with all this angst - I started spotting this morning. Which means period tomorrow. Which means I have an 11/12 day luteal phase. This is too short, right? I feel really, really stupid for actually being hopeful...

~Sabine~

How we met

A bit overdue, since I promised this last week!
Will try to keep it short and sweet :)

I was 19 and living in South Africa.
He was 18, had left South Africa and was living in Germany serving his time in the army.

I chatted only with school friends on IRC - not a dating site, but a chat site for South Africans.
He chatted on IRC to keep in contact with his old friends in SA.
Neither of us went online looking for love.

I *never* spoke to strangers, but we had a mutual friend, so when he started talking to me one day, I didn't ignore him like the rest.
And we started chatting online. 

He helped me with college projects. I spoke to him about his new life in Germany.
We exchanged pictures, sometimes we spoke using webcams.
But we were friends. Nothing more.

This went on for almost 5 years!
During that time, I finished college, moved countries, broke up with my first boyfriend, and more. He continued in the army in Germany and planned to make a career of it.
We continued to talk over the internet, and he used to phone me from the base. I convinced myself we were just friends.

One day he calls me. He has a holiday booked over Christmas. He is coming to London to stay with his friend, can we meet?

I said, definitely not! He could be anyone! He's a stranger!
He laughed and pointed out we had been talking to each other for 5 years!
I eventually caved. I remember I had a terrible cold and had lost my voice. I made him travel all by himself on the underground on his first ever time in London to come meet me.
I was a horrible bitch!

And he did. And we were together from that very day on. In those first 5 days together, he already told me he loved me. It was intense.
He had to go back to complete his stint in the army for 6 months, during which time we saw each other a grand total of twice!

And then he moved to London to be with me.
I said he could stay with me till he found a job and his own place.
I never could get rid of him! We have been living together since that first day.

After 5 years of living together, he asked me to marry him, and I, of course, said yes.

We have known each other for 10 years now and I still cannot believe how lucky I am.

~Sabine~

Cranberry juice galore

I think I have the start of a UTI.
I am 8dpo (thanks Vanessa for helping me figure that out!).
I cannot take medication because I *might* be pregnant. Which just annoys me. Why do I have to act all pregnant when clearly I am not?

I have never had a UTI before. I stupidly thought, omg, I must be pregnant, this is different to any cycle I have ever had. I feel PAIN - YAY! And I was happy about the pain guys! HAPPY.
This TTC stuff has clearly made me mental!

Since I have never had one of these suckers before, I will document my symptoms:
- Twinges in my bladder (I thought uterus - hahahaha, who was I kidding?!)
- Need to pee all the time
- No relief after I have peed

Must be early stages though, because no burning or pain when passing urine, just the constant need to, and also there is always pee there when I go.

I have no other phantom pregnancy pains I can dream up. My boobs feel completely normal.

I am so sad right now.

On another note, my ovaries are so sore. Do any of you have PCOS and if so, is it possible to have cysts at 8dpo?

Thanks for reading this very woe-is-me post.

~Sabine~