It's been so long since I posted the first 2 parts and those are definitely the most 'interesting' bits so the rest I won't go too much into...
After C was born, my epidural already wearing off - I held her little naked body to my chest while they stitched me up (I could feel most of it, unfortunately, but I don't remember it at all - very weird). She stared at me, and immediately tried to breastfeed. After a while I was so exhausted I think I mostly dozed while my husband, mother and sister all held her. I'm so grateful that in those 5 hours she was never put in the hospital cot once :)
I showered (with major help from my sister) and then we waited to be transferred to the main ward.
By the time we got there it was almost 8pm and the end of hospital visiting hours, including my husband.
Suddenly I found myself alone with her in an empty ward. It was a very strange feeling. I mostly stared at her and I was so afraid to go to the bathroom and leave her there, so I went only once and I moved pretty fast for someone with a lot of pain and stitches ;)
I had no colostrum at all and C's blood sugar was low (they tested her at 11.15pm) and I swear I wanted to stab them every time they pricked her tiny heel and squeezed the blood out) so they put her straight on formula to regulate the levels. She was struggling to take anything and was choking on the bottle and so the paediatrician was called at 11.55pm and cited 'mucous' as the cause.
At some point in those hours, I changed her meconium poo nappy - what an experience! and I don't think I put her down once (besides for the toilet break). In all that time, not one person came to check on us and I remember being thankful that I had brought my own maternity pads.
They also lost my hospital notes, so I was basically non-existant at that point.
The night was a very tired blur. I still can't believe how they leave you alone to look after a newborn straight after a horrible delivery...
I remember I couldn't wait for my husband to be allowed to return the next morning at 10am.
The next morning, 6 Jan, the paed came and gave C a once over and they also checked her hearing (all perfect)
We were finally discharged at 8pm on the 6th of January. It was dark and freezing when we left the hospital and the drive home was so slow and cautious, but we got her home safely - the biggest joy of my life.
The next few weeks were a blur of exhaustion, infections, illnesses etc. The first few nights I lay awake thinking 'what the hell have I done' - the responsibility and exhaustion was overwhelming. I felt like I would never ever 'live' again. Definitely what I would call survival mode. I was quite tearful and also my breastmilk never came in so I had to continue with formula feeding. It was about day 5 when I went to the doctor because I realised something wasn't right with me and I was in too much pain. After a week of
antibiotics, I finally got a tiny little bit of breast milk, but it was already too late - she was over 2 weeks old and I couldn't get her to latch - she would scream and scream in frustration - and there wasn't enough to pump.
My husband took 5 days paternity leave after she was born, 4 of which he couldn't go near her because of the gastro bug he had and then went back to work. Living far away from family means I've been alone and that is not always easy.
A few weeks ago, despite there being nothing obviously wrong with her - I felt her colour looked off to me. I took her to the doctor and health visitor and they said she was fine. But my 'mommy instincts' niggled at me, she looked almost ashen to me, but everyone else said her colour looked fine? I took her straight away to the paediatrician who took blood from her on the basis of my concerns because she was not showing any signs of illness. Anyway, to cut a long story short, literally as we were stepping in to get her immunisations, the paed called and said DO NOT get those vaccines. Her results showed a very low count of white blood cells. They suspected an infection and she had a week's worth of antibiotics. Complete divine intervention that call came when it did! We took her on Saturday for a follow up blood test and will hopefully get the results this morning. Holding thumbs.
Other than that, this baby is unbelievable. I am in awe of her every day.
She recently started to sleep at night in stretches of 8-9 hours (sometimes waking once but not from hunger?), so I hope that continues. The sheer exhaustion and lack of sleep was something I was expecting, but could not imagine, if that makes sense? I have never been more tired but more in love.
Also, she smiles at me and my heart literally feels like it will burst. I have never known love like this before.
