Divorce...

...Was granted this morning.
I am so relieved it was quick and it's over.

I am so very tired.

~Sabine~

Reality

He's gone to rehab. I've asked for a divorce.
The reality is.. he never stopped his behaviour. The lies he's been telling me...
I hope for his sake and our daughter's sake that he gets clean and stays there because this is seriously one fucked up disease.
He has literally lost everything, and for what?

I have decided I choose to not be the victim anymore. Not to him and not to this fucking disgraceful illness that I never asked to be a 'part' of.
I just can't live like this.

So, that's it.

This is terrifying. Heartbreaking. Unbelievable.

My poor baby. When did her dad become someone I need to protect her from?
I'm so grateful for her. She makes me smile every day. She is my reason for getting out of bed. And most of all, she is my reason for my decision to leave. I hope one day she will understand and forgive me. I hope.

Gone

He's gone.

I don't even know where. He left this morning, and not on good terms.

I called my newly found therapist and went to see her straight away. She specialises in addiction and she is GREAT.
The realisations I've made in two sessions are more than in the past 8 months.
Just goes to show how important it is to go to the 'right' person, especially when it comes to this. Someone who really knows and understands the very complicated disease called addiction.

I also realise I have many unhealthy addictions of my own. I am co-dependent. To such a level that I have stayed in a situation which is not good or healthy for me. I have ignored myself and what I believe. I have compromised my value system. I also own up to some not very nice treatment of my husband over many years. In other words, I used my own lack of self worth to excuse my behaviour, live in denial and worst of all, project that all onto my husband. And as an excuse to tolerate escalating 'unacceptable behaviour'.

There's a lot of work to be done. A lot. And I'm so scared. I want to forgive and forget again. I want to go back into denial, accept the bad behaviour - just to have him near. Just so I don't have to be alone.

We spoke a lot about what's keeping me from facing up to the truth. Why I am trying to keep up a facade that everything is perfect, when it's so obviously not.
I don't know if any of this even makes sense but I have to get it out. So I will start here. Put the words on 'paper'. Have other people know my dirty little secret. I need to find me again. Not protect him, illusions, and an unhealthy relationship. I'm so afraid of judgment, the truth, the end result. Most of all, I am so, so, so ashamed.

I am Sabine. I am the co-dependant of a sex addict.

Everything changes. Everything stays the same.

Hi.

I feel like I'm new at this, it's been that long.
I keep meaning to update bla bla (usual excuses) but a lot has been happening.

We moved. We tried. Well, I did, but hey, who knew - one person trying just isn't enough.

Different place, same old thing.
Addict's an addict I guess. Took him a whole two months, and of course, the marriage failure is MY fault because I asked him to leave. Never mind what he did to make me FINALLY do that after all this time.
I'm so tired. So tired.
My poor, poor, poor little girl. I blame myself for it all.
I seriously have no idea how we got here??? It is completely absolutely mind-boggling. I don't see any light at the end of this tunnel.

I may delete this post soon, or at least, edit it. It's just too raw right now. But I thought it was only fair to update. That is, if anyone is still out there.

~Sabine~

Sad

So, so incredibly sad.

That is all.