The one where I go symptom spotting

As I mentioned in a previous post, my cycles are far from regular. This month, in fact, I am currently on CD35, and my average cycle length is 37 days.
But none of my OPK's have come up positive, and I have been testing since CD20. Last month I think I ovulated on day 24/25, and if that's anything to go on, I estimate I'm 10dpo. IF I even ovulated. And that's a big if.

This time last month, I had what I though were some symptoms. Oh how my husband laughed when I used the word symptoms. He was all like, 'it's a pregnancy we're after, not a disease.'

This time, nada. Slight twinge this morning which felt a bit like period pains, but nothing since.

I think I will put up this sign for now:
Gone fishing spotting!

P.S. We just got back from visiting a friend and her 10 day old baby. My hubby held her (the baby, not my friend!), and to my great embarrassment, my eyes welled up! Oh, what a sight...think he may be more broody than me now...

~Sabine~

A spanner in the works...

...a fly in the ointment
...a spoke in the wheel
or whichever other cutesie saying you can think of, to say:

Looks like the economy has bitten me in the ass.
My entire office is being shut down and relocated overseas.
If I don't want to relocate (which I don't) I will lose my job.

Is it sad that the main reason this upsets me is not that I will be jobless, but that I will be maternity benefit-less?

The job is due to end at the end of December, and maybe I am really naive but I am hoping I will be knocked up before then.
This leaves me with a dilemma. What if it takes me more than a couple of months to find a new job?
Will companies hire me if I am pregnant? And if they do, will I be entitled to benefits?

The sad reality is that we can not survive on my husband's income alone.
If I am out of work, and unable to claim company maternity benefits, we will struggle to afford a child.

And yet, I don't want to stop trying. I just can't.
It breaks my heart just thinking about it.

What an impossible situation.
What do you think? Stop trying until I get a new job?
Take a chance and pray that things work out how they should?

~Sabine~

Obsession (and I don't mean the perfume)

One of the main reasons I started this blog is because I have a confession to make.

I'm obsessed.

Full on, crazy, weird-as-hell obsessed, with anything related to TTC
and...
I don't want my husband to know!

Even though he is the most caring, wonderful and patient man, I harbor a very real, but very secret fear that if he knew how much I thought about it, dreamt about it, searched google etc, he would think I was crazy. And sometimes I think I wouldn't blame him for thinking that. (and it would be nice to have my marriage last more than 3 months!)

Why is it that as soon as you are ready to start trying, you are suddenly, overwhelmingly, really really ready?

Each day waiting is agony, only abated by peeing on random sticks, forums and internet searches! (may as well lock me up now!)

This waiting is exactly the problem.
You see, I have the worlds longest cycles. So where a fellow ttc'er has had 2 cycles of trying, I am still stuck on the measly first cycle.
(I should add I am on cycle 3, and have been TTC since July)

In blogs to come:
Job hell
Surgery
Fertility specialists
and much much more....

For now, I am off to dream about resisting the urge to pee on many, many sticks. I am in the dreaded two week wait.

Thanks for reading...feels so good to get it off my chest.

~Sabine~

The Precarious First Entry

So, here we go.
For this one, I plan on taking the easy way out and am going to list 10 random facts about me:

1) I am almost 30
2) I'm female
3) I named this blog for all those things I feel are so unattainable right now...
4) And because I usually live in a fantasy world
5) I have serious deja vu right now (blog in a past life perhaps - or just too much time spent reading blogs?)
6) I live far away from 'home' and my family and it's been that way for 7 years.
7) I never intended to live anywhere but home (I'm the only person I know who emigrated with a backpack)
8) I am recently married (to the most amazing man in the world - just take my word for it for now, or at least while the rose-tinted newly-married spectacles are on)
9) I want a baby.... badly
10) ...but have Endometriosis and PCOS

and a bonus bullet point:
11) I doubt anyone other than me will ever read this blog

~Sabine~