Walking wounded

I have been walking around like an injured animal since yesterday.

ENOUGH.

Enough googling, enough emailing, enough worrying.
I just CAN'T.

We are doing all we can at this point:
I have sent an email off to the South African FS.
And we see the FS in London in two week's time.
Hubby is being a trooper of note and taking 8 vitamin pills a day, and drops in water 3 times a day (prescribed by homeopath). He has also changed to boxers and given up baths.
I am taking 5 vitamin pills a day, drops 3 times a day, and natural progesterone cream 3 times a day.
I am also using the Clearblue Fertility monitor this month to better pinpoint ovulation time, since my cycles are so whacked.

The homeopath told me with the low sperm count, we should not have sex for 3 days before ovulation time to give the sperm ample time to fill up. He gave more useful advice than the fertility specialist.

Other than that, there is NOTHING we can do right now.
And that is a very scary realisation - how out of control of this whole thing we are.
We have no say. Not even the FS's know for certain. This is a very, very scary thought for a person like me, who likes to be in control/organised/doing something useful.

Now is time for a little bit of faith, hope, whatever I can muster - to pull myself up out of this steaming heap of crap.

In reference to yesterday's post - I can't share the latest results with anyone, because they are not mine to share. My husband has final say over who he wants to tell, and I personally don't see that happening any time soon, since he is in complete denial/unaware of how severe the problem is.
I am shouldering the blame for this one for now.
When/if he is ready, we can share it with our loved ones. If that never happens, then so be it.
Currently those in real life who know we are TTC know that I have endo/pcos, but I think for men, it's different to admit this kind of thing.
It's at times like these I am relieved I started a blog - otherwise it would eat me up.

Onwards and upwards from here on out.

~Sabine~

Conflicted

We got back to the UK today. It's cold freezing. I was in 41 degrees heat yesterday.

I have been mulling over this post in my head, but I don't think I am going to be able to get this out eloquently, so please bear with me.

I think I am still in a severe state of shock. Being in South Africa, surrounded by family, and learning the results was hectic. I could show NO emotion, I just walked around, completely numb. Smiling and laughing and hoping nobody would be able to see behind that lie.

All the while, silently screaming inside. Trapped in my head.

Now I am 'home' and I am afraid to let it out, afraid it will never end.
I have never been more terrified in my whole entire life.

And I am so conflicted. I need to believe we will have our happy ending, but I am terrified about the journey. I never actually thought it would come to this.

And even after hearing the words - I still believe somehow we can do this without intervention. Then I do a 360 and feel hopeless. At the end of the day, the doctors don't know. They are not G-d. They can't decide. But what if they are right? I mean, all the evidence points to that.

What do we do now? Wait and see? Pray? Take vitamins? Go straight to IVF?
I just don't know.

My husband knows it's not good news, but he believes vitamins etc will change everything. He is hugely optimistic. In fact, I don't even think he is worried.

I can't share this latest result with anyone, and I feel so alone.

OK, I cannot type anymore. I can't even see through the tears.

These are the facts:

ME: Results of lap were good. Minimal re-growth of endemetriosis. Uterus skew due to old adhesions (repaired). Right ovary stuck down due to old adhesions (repaired). Everything else good. Tubes clear. Prognosis: Good

HUSBAND: Previous undesended testicle (repaired surgically aged approx. 7). Oligozoospermia.

I got the UK semen analysis results back this morning.

I don't understand them. The FS appointment is only in 2 weeks time. Please help me understand them if you can. I think they are worse than the South African results. I am so so so scared.

Days of abstinence: 2
Volume (ml): 2.8
Viscosity: ++
Aggiutination: +
Density (x10^6/ml): 2.8
Motility(%): 47
Progression (0-4/4): 2/4
Morphology (%) - Normal forms: 18
Morphology (%) - Head defects: 45
Morphology (%) - Neck defects: 34
Morphology (%) - Tail defects: 3
Cells (x10^6/ml): <1
WBC/RBC/Spermatids
Debris(+): +
MAR test: IgA: 8% positive; IgC: Negative

Comments: oligozoospermia; no test wash done due to low count

~Sabine~

P.S. I am so sorry for all these recent posts. I know they are negative and selfish and depressing. I don't want to be this person.