Inconceivable

While on the long flight to Dubai, I read this book (it was also made into a movie called: Maybe baby).

It wasn't the best read, but for me there was one part that struck a chord. The female character writes in her diary:

"A few months ago I broke down on the M6, my car, that is, not me, although quite frankly I nearly did as well. Completely useless, sitting in an apparently perfectly servicable car but not able to get anything to work. Millions of other cars kep whizzing by and they were all working but I was stuck, and there was nothing I could do about it. Well, my whole life's like that really. Month after month I'm stuck, my car won't work and I have no idea how to make it go. All there is left for me to do is to try and seek help, to face that long trudge up the hard shoulder in search of a phone that probably won't work in order to call an emergency sevice that will take for ever to respond, and when they do won't be able to find the problem or have the right tool to fix it. Meanwhile, the entire rest of the female sex are whizzing past in Renault people carriers with eight baby seats in the back."

It did make me laugh in a kind of sad, pathetic way!

I'm busy downloading some long overdue photos I took while home in January and some pics from Dubai as well, so I will upload those too.

It's about time I spoke about something else other than infertility!

Hope you're all having a wonderful weekend.

~Sabine~

P.S. Thank you guys for your comments on my previous posts - you guys ROCK!! What would I do without you all? xxx

Am I ready? And other NMA* thoughts

This is all happening fast.
As in, I am waiting for my period and then I will rush onto a plane, take an 11 hour flight (maybe more if it's indirect), and start my very first IVF. (Would be SO much easier if I had cycles I could predict, but I digress...)
Hubby will fly down to meet me around 10 days later for retrieval and to do his very difficult part, and then?

I'm scared. Excited. I will be honest here and say I still don't know if this is the right thing to do. And I will admit the reasons now. The money. The fact I don't have a job.

If it doesn't work, that's £5000 pissed away, which is more money than we have EVER spent on anything. I will come home poorer, unemployed and broken.

If it does work, that's £5000 very well spent, but will I be able to get employment once I'm back home and pregnant? I can hardly even secure an interview now and I'm not. And what happens if it's twins?!

Also, am I in the right frame of mind, am I thin/healthy enough? I haven't had time to prepare! I don't want to be away from my husband and our home for weeks and weeks. Is this going to be a case of self-sabotage?

I can't get away from this 'logical' side, even though my DH said it's not problem, we will cut back and he can support us. And I know, in a heartbeat I would even take out a huge loan to do this if I needed to, simply put, I would do anything!!!

I watched 'The biggest loser' last night, and although it's sad on so many levels to quote something from there, something one of the contestants said really resonated with me. He said something like: "I have spent my life being afraid. Afraid of failure, and afraid of success."

And that is totally me.
Well, screw you fear, I'm going home. I'm going to get my baby. OMG, I'm actually allowing myself to be excited (brings on a whole other set of fears right there)!

~Sabine~

*Negative mental attitude

Out of the closet

Up until yesterday, I was preparing my '30 for 30' list. I had things like: try skiing (done), learn how to bake, scuba diving, learn German, and so on.

There is only one thing on my list.
There has only ever been one thing on my list.

A baby.

This is the ONLY thing I want, that I have ever wanted. And I've wanted it all my life.
I never considered that may be too much to ask.

While the FS yesterday harped on about how I should be less anxious, a childless future is not so bad, I had this 'whoosh' in my ears (know what I mean?). Panic, despair, hopelessness, shock.

I won't lie and say I am not devastated, that I didn't cry, that I'm not still crying.
I am ashamed of myself. My husband puts me to shame. These were his results and he is positive and hopeful and held ME together. I am crazy about this man. He is my rock.
He has also decided it's nothing to be ashamed of, and so we will be telling our families that we both have issues - hopefully this way we will have more support for going straight to IVF.

The blood results have not come back yet, and the FS said it would be good to get me on Clomid to help me ovulate and increase our chances while we go onto the TWO year waiting list for IVF/ICSI. BUT he can't start me on this simple drug because one of the largest hospitals in London does not have scanning facilities (the technician resigned and they haven't replaced her yet - even my GP was astounded when I told her this). He also wants me to do another HSG even though I just had one two months ago and know my tubes are clear. If I don't do this, I can't get onto the IVF waiting list. He did put me on Metformin which I will start today. My first instinct was: I want to go home. I feel like I can't trust these doctors to do what's in my best interest. I never see the same doctor twice even. The fact he was already talking about a childless future does not sit well with me.

I emailed my FS in South Africa. We start in April. I will go ahead of my husband and he will come down to meet me around the week of retrieval. How very Hollywood of us.
I don't know if this is the right choice. I am so scared. But with all that's against us, I just don't see another option. Priscilla said it best: "A lot of people spend time trying all kinds of other technolgies for MFI and still end up having to do IVF...this way you know you won't be wasting your time and money trying things that don't work." And that's exactly where I'm at.

OK, I promised myself this wouldn't become an essay, but when I'm anxious, I type/speak a lot.

Without further ado, the results (previous results in brackets):

Count: 3mil per ml (2.8mil per ml)
Volume: 5ml (2.8ml)
Total: 15million (7.84million)
Motility: 50% (1-2/4 forward progression) - (48% - 2/4 forward progression)
Morphology: 17% normal forms (18% normal forms)
Comments: Severe oligozoospermia. ICSI only. (Oligozoospermia)

I shit you not, it actually says that at the bottom of the lab form - ICSI only.

Well, FUCK YOU lab form, I'm going to get my baby!

~Sabine~

Result...

Option number 1.

Back into the cold!

I'm back from my trip, and I am freezing!
But I missed my hubby SO much, and so happy to be home with him and back to normality.
I promise to share some pictures with you all soon!

In the meantime, as usual, (in)fertility is occupying my thoughts tonight as I gear up for our results tomorrow at the follow up with the FS. We will find out about the genetic tests they did on hubby, as well as his latest SA results.

Not having much faith in the NHS, part of me believes that they will have screwed up some aspect of the tests, and they will have either forgotten them, lost them or ordered the wrong things altogether. But, if by some small miracle we get all the results in tomorrow, we have discussed our courses of action.

I figure it can go 3 ways. (All depending on hubby's tests - I will need Clomid or Metformin or both to get me to ovulate since I have tried pretty much everything else with no luck)

1) SA worse than first sample (2.8mil or less). Straight to IVF/ICSI
2) SA same as second sample (18mil or less). Straight to IUI with Clomid, but not too many before moving onto IVF/ICSI
3) SA better than second sample (18mil or above). A couple of cycles of Clomid, followed by IUI with Clomid, maybe 3 attempts?

What do you guys think? Do these sound like reasonable options?
I'm going crazy here.
I'm also acutely aware that hubby will be BROKEN if there is no improvement. I actually cannot even think about that being the case at this point.

Where is the emergency exit button on this ride, I want to get off!

~Sabine~