Support and thankfulness

Once again, I just wanted to thank you guys for your support - don't know what I would do without you all. I am struggling to stay positive, to keep in my mind all the things I am grateful for. And then a fellow blogger really brought that exact sentiment to the forefront.

She is giving away an amazing prize, so please go enter here at Beckie's Infertility Journey

Not only can you win, but she has raised a really special point.

She asked that to enter we share the nicest thing someone has done for us during our TTC journey.

These are mine:

1) My poor male cousin who is a GP, fielding questions about me and all things reproductive that I'm sure he would rather not know, but doing it anyway because he cares. 

2) The wonderful people I have met through my blog and forums, who don't even know me, but are always there to lend an ear and offer advice, and most of all, who know exactly what I am going through. That is a very rare gift! xxx

~Sabine~

Overwhelmed

I'm gonna be honest here. I realise this makes me a lightweight. I realise I have A LOT to be grateful for. I realise we are just at the beginning of the journey, that we have only really just begun.

Disclaimer over.

I am not doing so well. Maybe that's an understatement. I think I have cried for 2 and a half days straight. I didn't go into work yesterday. I just cried. Yes, that's all. What did I do all day? I cried.

My eyes are like taps that are constantly brimming. I feel weak. I feel helpless. I feel hopeless. I have all but given up.

I know I am supposed to be focusing on positive stuff and being hopeful and bla bla bla.

I want to stamp my feet. I want to scream. THIS IS NOT FAIR.

It may sound like a stupid thing to say, but why us? I feel like I am in mourning for our fertility, our innocence.

It's fucking heartbreaking.

We shouldn't have to know what my insides look like, how many sperm my husband has and how they move and every fucking overwhelming bit of information that most people DO NOT KNOW.

I don't want to know. 

I want to have sex and have a baby.

Why is that so much to ask for?

Does that make me a bad person?

Anyone who knows me knows that babies are my life, my ultimate goal has ALWAYS been to be a mommy. Since I can remember. If one more person tells me how maternal I am, how good with babies and children, how I am *meant* to be a mother, I think I will die.

My husband told me last night that everyone knows an 'infertile man is half a man'.

I don't know where he gets that. He has hidden his feelings pretty well until now.

I told him he is NOT infertile. It's not his fault. I am broken for this man. How can I undo this? I am filled with regrets.

I wish we never did any tests.

I wish we never knew.

I am on cycle day 26 and I still haven't ovulated.

I made an appointment at the private fertility clinic. I don't see any point in sitting around waiting when I can't even ovulate properly. If all goes according to plan, we should do an IUI in March.

OK, that's enough self pity right there to last the rest of the year. How do I get past this?

P.S. My friend told me her best friend is pregnant. She decided she wanted a baby so she stopped her birth control pill and 5 days later she was pregnant. 5 days.

You know it's gonna be a bad day when even your FS is pregnant

Otherwise known as: Update on the fertility appointment.

I am going to bullet point this one - too emotionally exhausted to type it up and my eyes burn from crying.

• Get to hospital on time
• They are running late. Wait almost 1.5 hours
• Finally get called in by assistant - NOT specialist
• Get reprimanded because of the 2 blood tests I did, they forgot to take progesterone level (as if this is my fault)
• Start to cry
• Assistant says: 'Maybe you should see a consultant rather' - like, no shit dude, really?!
• Wait some more
• Get called in to consultants room. She is at least 8.5 months PREGNANT.
• She apologises for being pregnant - it makes her very uncomfortable you know (Boo hoo for you. No seriously, I think I shed a small tear for how sorry for you I feel)
• She says: 'Why are you crying? Besides for the fact you're not pregnant!?' and then LAUGHS at her own little joke. He He He. Funny. Not.
• Blah blah, crap sperm, 2.8 million. IVF with ICSI. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200.
• 18 month wait time. 1 attempt.
• Do not bother with IUI, Clomid, Metformin - completely useless with 2.8 count.
• For hubby: Retest sperm, blood tests. 
• For me: Crawl up in a ball and sob my heart out.

Wash, rinse and repeat in 6 weeks time.
And ummm, byebye now.
Fuck you very much.

Excuse me if I sound bitter. I am.

~Sabine~

I can sum up the appointment in six words..

The Fertility Specialist was heavily pregnant.

Bet you can guess the rest.

~Sabine~

Nervous

Trying not to be ....
But failing miserably.

NHS FS appointment today. I know not to expect anything. I know I will most likely be disappointed. But I am scared to hear what they have to say. Scared they will disappoint me. Scared they will tell me nothing will work.

Scared they will send me away hopeless.

I have pretty much decided I will do a IUI next cycle at a private clinic. The sitting around and waiting is killing me. Especially with these mega long cycles. I am on day 24 already and no ovulation yet. I have been TTC for almost 8 months, and only had 5 cycles.
 (I looked up NHS funded treatments in my post code and it turns out I can have only 1 free cycle. And the waiting list is over 18 months)

OK, deep breathe. Wish me luck. Appointment at 3.15pm.

~Sabine~

P.S. I know, I am SUCH a lightweight, can you just imagine what I will be like when actual treatments start?!

Happy weekend everyone!

I am determined - this weekend will be infertility thoughts free!
Enough is enough for now.
Have decided to make our final decision on how to proceed after our appointment on Tuesday.

Been having a great weekend so far. It started on Friday at work. Since the entire team is being made redundant, we have been having a lot of fun at work - drinking wine in the afternoon, laughing and joking. Most fun I have had there in over 3 years.
At lunchtime, a colleague came with her 7 week old baby. I must admit, I am not at the not wanting to see other people's babies and pregnant bellies at the moment. Maybe that will change, who knows?

Just got back from dinner with friends, and then another friend's 30th birthday party at a cocktail bar in Central London.

Tomorrow I am going with a friend to watch a Mama Mia sing along which she got free tickets to and invited me along.

All in all, a much needed fun weekend.

What have you all been up to?

~Sabine~