I am a horrible person

This post is one I've debated posting all day, but in the interest of being honest, being real, I'm going to put my thoughts out there. I've already decided I'm a horrible person, so I don't blame any of you if you agree with me.

I'm currently staying with my brother and SIL who just completed their first IVF. Blood test was today. Positive (43).
Please believe I am absolutely thrilled for them. Really.

But I'm so freaked out. This is a miracle. First time success... I mean, how often does that happen? And now that it's happened to them, I feel like I may as well give up now. I just know mine will be a bust. What are the chances of us both receiving this miracle. I know it's not logical. Hell, what about this journey is?

I don't even understand why I feel like this. If it was a negative, I probably would've thought 'it didn't work for them, what makes me think it will work for me?'
Also, I have put a lot of pressure on myself. This is our one shot. We have taken unpaid time off work, travelled half way around the world, and used up our savings for this one chance.

Anyway, I have bared my soul enough for one evening. I can't believe I am this negative before I've even begun. I am so afraid of failure, I'm not even sure I have the strength to continue.

~Sabine~

First appointment

Hi everyone!
Landed safe and sound in South Africa and had my first IVF appointment this morning.
I am so relieved - no cysts and everything looks great. My lining is nice and thick so I'm hoping my period will come very soon, so I can start my injections on day 3!

I was given Gonal F, but was told to refrigerate until opening. Now I'm not sure if I'm meant to keep them refrigerated all the way through? If you have used this drug, please help!

Will keep you posted!

~Sabine~

To do list

• Waxing
• Pack suitcase
• Online Check-In
• Book cab to airport
• Wait for period to arrive*
• Go and get me a BFP**!!!!

I leave in 2 hours. See you all on the flip side (my laptop is obviously coming with me..)

~Sabine~

*By my calculations should arrive around April 4th, meaning potential IVF start date of April 6th!

** BIG FAT POSITIVE!!!! 

Photos

I've just come from a barbeque where my (newly) pregnant friend spoke about how 'surprising' it is that it only took them a month to get pregnant, so I could dwell on how horribly inadequate I feel, but instead I am choosing to continue to focus on the positive.

I promised photos of my recent trips to South Africa and Dubai, and they cheer me up to look at them too, so without further ado...

SA:

And in Dubai, I got to cross something else off my list - skiing!

   

Hope you're all having a wonderful weekend!~Sabine~