Denial is not just a river in Egypt

Yes, I am using very crappy humour to disguise actual fear - please bear with me.

I have decided I am in denial - and I have it BAD. Despite all the evidence to the contrary I actually still think I don't have to do any treatments yet.

Between the homeopathic treatment, and the laparoscopy, I am thinking we should give it a few more goes before we move on to any medical treatment.

I am also absolutely sure, the NHS consultant next Tuesday will not actually give us anything helpful and when we are ready we will go private and pay out of pocket. So I am pre-empting this, and resigning myself to a few more natural cycles.

At what point did you all decide to seek treatment? And once you started, did you regret not having started sooner or vice-versa?

~Sabine~

The things people say

Hubby and I met up with an old friend last night for dinner - him and his family left London, but he is here for a couple of nights on business.
Yesterday, on the phone to his wife, she revealed that they suffered from unexplained infertility and underwent 4 unsuccessful IUI's before her finally successful Clomid cycle. They now have a daughter and a son, both from Clomid cycles, and both took more than a year each to conceive.
(I don't know how she kept all of this secret - I worked with her every day for 5 years while this was all happening)

Which makes the following exchange even weirder:

Him: 'You're not going to have children.'
Me: Ummm, pardon?
Him: Well, it's been 6 months since you were married - if you don't have by now, you never will.

I don't even remember how the rest of the conversation went. I think I just went quiet. Maybe from shock, maybe from embarrassment.
What is wrong with people?

~Sabine~

Homeopaths, Psychics, and still hanging on to hope...

A few days surrounding that fateful day when we learned of hubby's low sperm count, we had a couple of amazing experiences.

The first was a few days before. My aunt insisted we go to see her homeopath who has helped her immensely.
And I too, was blown away. He was softly spoken and gentle, but most of all he was so optimistic, and seemed geniunely concerned for our situation and wellbeing. He uses a machine that tests certain meridians in your body. I don't claim to know how it works, but the things he told us were unbelievable. I should add that he knew absolutely nothing of our situation. He said straight away that hubby's left testicle was underperforming, which is interesting as we hadn't yet done the SA, and he knew nothing of the undescended testicle saga.

Remember I said he was more helpful than the doctors?
Well the three top tips I took away with me were:
1) Most people cannot digest the protein in cow's milk, and so this triggers an allergic reaction which can block the fallopian tubes.
2) Zinc shrinks cysts - ideal for PCOS!
3) "About your ovulation time, three days before 'no sex', it takes the testicles about three days to produce full amount of healthy sperm. After ejaculation sperm count is very low for about three days. Did the doctor explain this?" <----- Errr, no, doctor said nothing of the sort!

He sent us away with a lifestyle/diet/supplement plan, and asked us to keep in touch. He was also optimistic we would conceive.

After we got the results from the SA analysis back, I emailed him in a panic.
His response was wonderful:

"A sperm count of 18 Mio. is low, but not very low! I had male patients with sperm counts of 12 Mio. and they fathered children very well. Just think, of the 18 Mio. sperms only ONE has to arrive at the ovary! Naturally they recommend IVF with ICSI, that's were the BIG money is. I think the rate is here at present R35,000 per IVF. I am confident that the chances of you falling pregnant are good."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The second wonderful thing was a couple of days after the SA results - going for tea and cake with my mom, who brought along a close friend of hers, who just happens to be a famous psychic/tarot reader.

As soon as I sat down, he looked deep into my eyes and he said he had been SO in tune with me over the past few days, feeling my every emotion. He was heartbroken for me.

I cannot possibly begin to recall everything he said - it was a long meeting - but he read the cards for both me and hubby, and we were both buzzing afterwards.

Unbelievably, the same card came up 4 times: The Ten of Cups.

Abridged meaning:
"The Ten of Cups tarot card is one of the most joyful and optimistic cards in a traditional tarot deck. Most tarot readers interpret the Ten of Cups as a symbol of good fortune, perfection in love, and fulfilling relationships.

The Ten of Cups communicates sheer joy, childlike satisfaction, and an all-inclusive sense of contentment. In any tarot reading, regardless of the subject of the tarot spread, the Ten of Cups is a welcome sight. Depending on the context of the tarot reading, it might indicate comfort and satisfaction in material wealth, a happy and fulfilling relationship, or a joyful conclusion to a difficult and challenging period.

The two children, representations of fertility, can literally indicate childbearing."

When this card came up for me 3 times, he was astounded, but when it came up for my husband too, he was literally dumbstruck.
He got very emotional, and he said he has no doubt we will have our babies - and soon. He mentioned two babies, and at first thought twins, but said it may just be a total of two - a pigeon pair, he said, one of each.

I also drew this card, which I thought fitting, since this is a theme in my life.

He said I need to get rid of the "crazy-makers" in my life. I knew immediately who he meant. And the type of people I surround myself with. And also, I need to take my power back.
According to him, everything is falling into place.

~Sabine~

Hope, glorious hope!

Breaking news! The Tarot/Psychic story will have to come tomorrow (or later?).

I got a reply from the doctor who did my op. He was away on holiday after the op, so his colleague was the one who said we need to go straight to IVF/ICSI.

Here is his response:

"Thanks for the email.
I am back from holiday!

The laparoscopy went very well. There was not much active endometriosis more scar tissue around the right ovary. We were able to reconstruct everything 100%.

The sperm sample was not great but not so bad. There is definitely a chance of spontaneous conception. The morphology was indeed 8%, it should be 14%. If is more then 5% then there is still a good chance of spontaneous conception.

Because of your many problems I suggest indeed that you do clomid and IUI. The chance is on average 20% per try."

I am taking every single last bit of hope I can get.
Oh, hope, please don't break my heart!

~Sabine~

Cleansing

My cousin came over yesterday and we spent all day clearing out and organising all my closets.
We managed to fill 8 black bags and 2 suitcases which I dropped off at the Charity shop this morning.
I threw out some clothes that I have had for I don't even know how long.
I feel so much lighter.

I am trying not to think about TTC all day long. It is SO hard.
I would like to not think about it at least until the day we see the fertility specialist in a couple of weeks time, but that is proving virtually impossible.

Firstly, I am using a fertility monitor so that I can pinpoint ovulation, so I am thinking of that first thing every morning when I wake up.
Secondly, and yes, I know this is a horrible cliche, but there are babies and pregnant women EVERYWHERE.
(When I went for a massage in South Africa, the lady who did mine was 7 months pregnant - by accident - and her very pregnant belly kept knocking into my head. It was just weird.)

I am not kidding when I say at least 5 people in the last month have told me, oops! accidental pregnancy.
About another 15 million (slight exaggeration) have told me to 'just relax and it will happen'.
Two of my friends told me they 'just know' I will get pregnant. (Really?! How? They don't even know about the sperm saga).

It's so annoying. And cliched.
How the hell did I get to this place?

On another note, tomorrow I go back to work for the first time in 3 weeks, and I am feeling 'first day back at school' anxiety. I only have just over 2 months left of work, and I am getting nowhere with the job hunt either.

How do people carry on with their day to day lives when dealing with this infertility crap? I feel like I can't focus on anything else. And also, I feel like what's the point anyway?

I have to pull myself out of this hole.

~Sabine~

P.S. Tomorrow I am going to post about my accidental meeting with a tarot reader/psychic!