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Not sure why, but I feel like writing a bit. I know it's been a while.
No idea what I want to say even.

I feel like I'm a completely different person inside, but have to seem the same on the outside.
I feel like nobody understands what I've been through. Most can't because they don't know the extent of it. But even those who do, like family, just don't get it. I don't blame them, really. It's my own fault.

I'm just expected to get on with it like nothing has happened. Like nothing happened to me.
All I can think of is life before and life after. Like that one day in November 2011 was the day of my death.

I know it sounds extreme, but this level of trauma and betrayal is just beyond my comprehension.
Too much damage was done. I don't feel like anyone listened to me or heard me.
I didn't get the right help, I know this.
Marriage councillor? How can I change anything. What does it matter what I do in my relationship when his betrayals stacked up and up and up. When everything I believed to be true was false. When he just lied and lied and lied.
I was made to feel like it was my fault. Co-dependent. Enabler. HOW? I honestly didn't know. I could never have dreamt it. Not in my wildest imagination. Never.

Then, with that realisation, I hate myself. How could I not have known? How could I have been so stupid? Was this my punishment for wanting to have a baby?
Did I deserve this?

Any my ex, well, he's just such a nice guy. But he isn't.
He is definitely missing something. There's no guilt. No nothing. Like nothing has changed. He expects me to be fine. HE is the victim here. I don't get it, and for as long as I live, I don't think I ever will.

We lived together for 10 years. How did I not see?

I have lost most of my friends. My family told me to 'get on with it' a month after my divorce.
I've tried a few therapists, but it's all the same. I don't need to talk about my childhood or how I ended up in that relationship. How does that help me other than to perpetuate the feeling that it's all my fault? That makes them no better than my ex who blamed me for his behaviour. How did I become the scapegoat?

I had a great childhood, a stable family life. I was probably too young when I met my ex, and I hadn't had any real relationships before him, so I didn't have anything to compare it to.

I have a lot more good days now than bad. My role as a mother is the only thing that keeps me going. I don't care about anything else. If I can get out of bed, then that's a bonus.

I guess I just need someone, anyone to empathise.
Fuck, even a break-up on it's own would get more sympathy then I've gotten.

I feel so invisible. Worthless.
What is the point, really.

And this is just the beginning, the issues are relatively small now. I have to deal with that fucker for the rest of my life. Facing him is so traumatic on so many levels and I can't pretend anymore that it's ok.

The things that I found out he did make my skin crawl. The things I don't know keep me awake at night. I'm so scared.

I'm scared of what he's capable of.

I feel victimised over and over again every time.
It hurts so, so much and it's not getting better.

I could go on and on, but it's pointless really. This is the situation I'm in and there's nothing I can do to change it. This has happened to me. This is happening to me.

If there's anyone out there who has the misfortune of reading this, I'm sorry.  

2013: Is anyone out there?

I'm here. Still alive. Still breathing.

I have never been happier to see a year end. 2012 can kiss my ass!
A friends asked me what I did on New Year's last year. And I honestly cannot remember. I have blocked out so many things due to trauma and stress. This past year I have been through more than I ever thought I could tolerate or survive.

But I'm here. I'm ok mostly.

In four days time C will be 2 years old. She is very much not a baby anymore, but a funny, cheeky, energetic little girl. I am so, so proud of her. She starts playgroup this month too and I'm so excited for her. She is such a sociable little girl.

I'm really starting to get the hang of the single parenting thing. At first I was so resentful and sometimes still am. He gets no responsibility and I get it all. But I just kept reminding myself that I wouldn't have it any other way. I managed to get her in her own bed and sleeping (mostly) through the night, which has been absolutely life changing. Also, I no longer have to lie with her till she falls asleep so I am slowly but surely getting some 'me' time back.

My ex is still a seriously sick puppy and is therefore extremely unreliable. He cancels seeing her at the very last minute and also goes months without any contact with her at all.
Unfortunately, she is incredibly attached to him and still asks for him etc. We went to her friend's birthday party and his dad looks a little similar to hers. She saw him and got so excited and started shouting 'papa! papa!'. When she realised it wasn't him she cried. I hated him more for that moment than anything he has ever done to me. He has seen her 3 times in the past couple of weeks, so I never know what to expect with him.
Despite it all, C is a very well adjusted, confident and happy little girl. I hope that lasts. I will do anything to see that child happy and secure.

Here's to a better year.

Sabine