So...

Thanks for your comments. I read them with huge, huge gratitude. I know I'm being cryptic but I just can't share the full story yet.

So I will give a hypothetical - I hope you don't mind and please bare with me.
Of course, it's not the real story and I can't go into full detail, but the principles are similar.
I am lost, lost, lost.
Drowning.

I need opinions based on more information.

The thing that spoke to me most from your comments was the trust thing. And there is good reason for this. What if my bottom line was blurred by extenuating circumstances?

Let's say the story goes like this.

Your partner has an addiction. It could be to anything. Drugs, sex, alcohol, gambling, pornography, anything. The addiction isn't the point. It's what the addiction leads to. Lying, cheating, infidelity, debt, one or more of these things. As a result, trust is not just broken - it's obliterated. Let's say you found out your partner was a whole different person with a whole different life. And you never knew.

Let's say your partner admitted the problem. Wants help. Is desperate. Lost. Scared. Broken. Rock bottom. Tired of lying to everyone and themselves too. Makes every effort to get help, to make a change, to open up to you. You have lost everything. Everything. But there is still love. There is a child. And there is a real commitment to change.

But. He will always be an addict. The problem will never, ever, ever go away, simply managed. The damage already caused is so extreme, it seems insurmountable.

Would you try then? Would you stay?

And what if the reason for the addiction was so heinous, so unimaginable. A childhood beyond belief. Abuse. Abandonment. Lack of love. Instability. A lifetime of hurt. You feel sorry for that person. You feel sorry for the innocent child they were. But you feel scared for the person they have become.

Would you try then? Would you stay?

I know this isn't an eloquently put post. It's difficult to write it like this without full disclosure, trying to skirt around issues false or not.
Maybe one day when I am stronger I can speak about this openly.

In the meantime...please, what do you think you would do?

Sabine
xxx

What is your 'bottom line'

Random post.

But wondering...

What is your bottom line? In terms of ending a marriage. I know, not a nice thing to think about, but I always used to think I would know mine - no areas of grey - and now I'm at a crossroads.

I.e. Under what circumstances would you definitely leave your husband without a second thought.

If he was abusive? Mentally, physically or sexually.
If he was dishonest? Big lies, not small ones.
If he cheated on you?
If he had an addiction which was out of control?
If he was a thief?
If he was a criminal?

What if there was a good reason for his behaviour? Past trauma, mental illness, abuse etc.
What if you thought he could change? And he wants to change.
What if you still love each other?
What if you have children together?

Disclaimer: I'm not saying any or all of these have happened to us, but I was just wondering, what makes a marriage end?
What is your bottom line?

Sabine

P.S. How sad that just 10 months after having a baby together this is the type of post I would be writing.
Never in a million years did I see this coming, really.

Biting

Thanks for the words of support on my last post. We are trying to work things out and getting some outside help too, but it's not good at the moment. An understatement perhaps.
Last week I really thought it was over and I was going to become a single parent. This week I'm hoping we can work it out, but really my feelings change from hour to hour, from day to day. Exhausting.

On another note, I just came from a good friend's house. She and another friend have 2 year olds both of whom are a bit wild lately, and I know another friend won't take her child there to play anymore. The one bit C very hard on the hand (its bruised and indented but no blood drawn) and the other pulled her hair.
Poor C who is the happiest, smiliest baby cried most of the time we were there and poor thing didn't know what hit her!

So I was wondering....

• What would you do in that situation? How would you react?
• And (just in case for the future) if your child was the one doing the bullying, what would you do?

In this situation, I swiftly removed C and comforted her but those kids move fast! I wasn't far from her and I still couldn't stop it :( And, I held onto her after that and didn't stay long.
And the respective parents - the one put the child in time out and then made him apologise to C (which he did with a self satisfied smile) and the other said something like 'we don't pull hair' and left it at that.

Very interested to hear your opinions on this one!

Hope you are all well.
Sabine
xx