"Full term"

37 weeks today. How crazy is that?

I feel like I'm in the middle of some make-believe world. It doesn't feel quite real.
I'm so used to feeling the baby moving around inside - it's just become so normal. I'm really going to miss this part.
The first 3 months of pregnancy were hell - anxiety wise. I've been unlucky with the Gestational Diabetes and the 4-times-a-day finger pricking. But besides for that, I have utterly loved being pregnant. I feel great in general. I feel feminine, pretty, my skin has cleared. I love that complete strangers smile at you and start conversations. I love feeling the bond with my baby every day, just me and her, like we have our own secrets. I love that my body, after everything else, has gotten us to this point safely. I find it miraculous how I've had to do absolutely nothing, yet my body knows what to do. How I saw her go from a tiny embryo to this strong little person with the power to move my whole belly.
I guess I'm trying to say how grateful I am.
I hope that every single one of you still trying get to experience this blessing, and soon.

Sorry to be so soppy. I guess I feel a sense of impending mourning of not being pregnant anymore. I can't wait to meet this little person. I try to imagine what she will look like and I just can't. It's bizarre.

OK, enough of that...
I have a severe case of cabin fever - having been stuck indoors because of the snow since Friday. I have to try get out today! It's very pretty, but what a pain! Wish me luck!

Thank you all for the comments on my previous posts too. You've all been amazingly supportive and I really appreciate it. I'm hoping I can make peace with the name thing sooner rather than later.

Let the countdown commence - 15 days till induction! (but I'm ready for you any time now baby girl)

~Sabine~

A deadline.

Thank you to those who commented on my previous name post - really appreciate the input a lot.
I'm still not sure.
I have only told my immediate family that we are considering this name and they don't think there is any issue with the names being too similar. But I can't seem to get my head around it. We will see. We don't really have other options. Sigh.

So, hospital appointment update.

• All well with general checkup
• Diabetes under control
• Last growth scan perfect
• No more scans! (eeek!)
• Induction date: 4th January 2011 (at 39w1d)

My emotions are all over the place. I'm going to have a baby. A real baby. Mine. My husband's.
This time last year I was gearing up for a laparoscopy, thinking I would never have my own kids, being told a childless future is not so bad.
I realise I have not been thinking about this new reality at all. My goal was 'get pregnant'. Then it was 'stay pregnant'. Now it's 'Dear G-d, please let's get this baby out safely** (and not too painfully would be a bonus too)'.


I haven't put much thought into: What then?
When she's here? How will it be? Will I cope? Especially being so far away from family and no real support system.  A lot of friends/acquaintances with babies have been quite mean and making it sound like my life is over, and not in a good way! What am I getting myself in for!?
Please don't take that the wrong way. Is it normal to be this nervous, this scared, this overwhelmed?
Please tell me I'm not alone here.

~Sabine~

P.S. **(A couple in my antenatal class lost their baby at 35 weeks which has thrown us all into a spin. It's just the most horrific and unimaginable thing. My poor husband is completely frazzled. He asks me about 100 times a day: Is she moving ok? When did you last feel her? etc etc)

Silence is NOT golden!

So, after my last post - I'm left wondering...
Just one comment (thanks pookiedoo, by the way!)?
What does that mean? I'm going crazy here!
I don't mind if you don't like the name - just wanting to know some honest unbiased opinions on if it's too similar sounding to my husband's.

C'mon guys, please help me out here!!

Thanks :)

In other news, hospital appointment tomorrow morning- hoping but not convinced I will get my induction date.
What is everyone up to? All prepared for Christmas/Chanukah? Apparently it's going to snow here again sometime in the coming week which makes it feel all very Christmassy! Although I hate the snow since everything shuts down - not great when you may need to get to a hospital!

~Sabine~

Massive anxiety...

I know, I'm dramatic.

BUT

We are still undecided on our name.

I was sure at this point (35 weeks pregnant - being induced in 3 weeks!) we would have decided on our name already.
The point is - we do have a name.
My husband has pretty much decided, but I, just like everything else, am having major panic attacks over it.
It consumes me. Don't get me wrong - I love the name. No other name we have thought of seems better or even equal to it. It has to be our name. But I have this overwhelming feeling that it can't be.

The name is Cxxx (It is simple, pretty, not overly popular and best of all it works perfectly with our surname.

So, what's the problem? My husband's name is Kxxx.

Please, dear readers, give me your honest opinion. Is this name just too similar? Would it be a tongue twister? A potential tease for our daughter. Just plain silly?
There isn't even a nickname I can think of to differentiate the name even more from her dad's.

Please, please let me know what you think.

Thanks!

~Sabine~

Maternity Leave, Week in pictures (and a few words!)

Last day at work (Friday):

(pic removed)

Growth scan (Monday) - All perfect, thank G-d. Baby is a perfectionist still, measuring 34 weeks exactly at 34 weeks! At this point, I can't make out anything on the scan anymore! She weighs approx. 2.3kg.

(pic removed)

Snowed in: Even missed my consultant appointment at the hospital this morning :(

Furniture building:
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Growth spurt:

Had a minor scare - thought I had developed a stretch mark under my bump, but it was just an indentation from my jeans (phew!). Also, my belly button has now taken on a life of it's own. Tragic. The laparoscopy scars I wear with pride, but remind me again why my 19 year old self wanted that ugly belly button piercing again? If my daughter ever wants one, I'm pretty sure this photo is enough to deter her!

Lots of laundry:

Hospital bag packing

Baby deliveries galore:

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Went swimming: 
Tried to upload a pic, but the server won't let me! A sign that no pregnant woman should wear a bikini in public?! Ok, it worked now....

(pic removed)

This maternity leave stuff sure is exhausting! When will it be time to relax? 

I must say, I am terribly out of breathe all the time now, even after simple tasks, which makes things a bit more difficult. I'm thanking my lucky stars I took maternity leave now, otherwise I simply would not have time or energy to get things done. I'm slowing down more and more as the days pass.

Next on my list - easy to make and freeze recipes for after baby comes - suggestions very, very welcome!!

What have you all been up to?

~Sabine~

The best ever day!

My gorgeous niece arrived today, safe and sound.
I have never been more grateful or in love. I have also never felt more far away.
Isn't she just the most spectacular thing you've ever seen?!

Noooo, bellybutton, nooooo!

My bellybutton has gone all weird!

I'm shocked at how suddenly, it went from in, to flatter and now it starting to bulge a little! Yuck!

All my laparoscopy scars are not helping matters - giving it a weird puffy look!!

I guess baba had a growth spurt over the past couple of days.

Growth scan on Monday to see how she's doing. 

And tomorrow is my last day at work!

How did I get here?! It seems so sudden.

We don't celebrate Thanksgiving over here, but happy Thanksgiving to all those who celebrate, and I'm sitting over here counting my blessings too. So blessed.

Remember my SIL who also got pregnant with IVF?

Well, I'm going to be an aunty TOMORROW!!!!!!!!

Please all send good positive thoughts for a healthy and safe arrival for both mom and baby.

Love to you all.

~Sabine~

P.S. Bratty, if you're reading this, I would love to be able to read your blog but have no idea how to get hold of you! Hope all is well?! xx

Mission accomplished?

Thank you all for your lovely words of advice. It helped SO much!
Yesterday I called my friend and I told her, thanks so much for offering the stuff to us, but we just have so much already and don't really have any need for it.
It was so much easier than I thought. I really have to stop making mountains out of molehills.
She took it very graciously, said 'no problem' and I offered to take it back over to her this evening.
We went, dropped off the stuff, ate dinner together and that was it...

...Until I got home and realised I forgot to take one of the bags!
Now I have to call her again and arrange to take it back again!! Embarrassing!
Bloody baby brain!

~Sabine~

P.S. Marcia, you asked what put me off about the stuff? It's not that it's hand-me-downs as I have already borrowed quite a few things from friends - it was the fact they were broken, really poor condition and dirty! Broken stuff I would put straight in the bin, same goes for clothes with holes, and dirty - I don't have time or energy to be cleaning bouncer seats etc! Also, trying to figure out how to turn on my email thing but in the meantime: leighsabine. at. gmail.com :)

How to say no without hurting a friend's feelings...

A lovely and well meaning friend gave me three huge black bags of baby clothes and a bouncer and a swing. She wants it back when I'm done with it.
Problem is - Most of the stuff is at least 6 years old and been worn by both her daughters. The rest is from someone else I don't know. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem, and I don't mean to sound snobbish, but the stuff looks so old and worn, and the rest of it is filthy! Some had old baby vomit on it, holes and the bouncer chair etc is also filthy. My husband almost died when he saw it! He absolutely refuses to put it anywhere near our baby.

Now - the problem. Originally I thought all the stuff was to be gotten rid of after us, so I thought I could just give it to charity if I didn't want it and she would be none the wiser. So when she asked if I wanted it, I said sure, and thanks.

Clearly, I don't want to keep any of it.
How do I give it back to her without offending her or hurting her feelings?

I always suck at this kind of thing...

Also, I can't store it and give it back to her later as we are currently in a small apartment (till we hopefully move next year) and are already struggling with space as it is!

Help!!

~Sabine~

Another growth scan, shopping and travel!

Last Friday we went for another growth scan, and I'm pleased to report that baby is measuring right on track as usual. Had a follow up appointment at the hospital yesterday and they are very happy with me, so much so that evil nurse didn't even threaten me with insulin this time!

I have been in bed with a nasty sinus infection, but baby is more active then ever. I just spent 10 minutes filming her having a party in my belly. She makes me laugh so much...she goes wild and then always ends up with hiccups afterwards!

Also, she responds to her daddy's voice like no other. It makes me all emotional. As soon as he is home from work and she hears his voice - I swear she goes wild. He is already smitten and told me in no uncertain terms: "You know I'm going to spend all my money on her, right?" I was like, 'Oh yes, I know!"

My mom visited a couple of weeks ago and then the week after, my dad. It was great that they got to see me pregnant and to feel their granddaughter moving about. But it was also great because we got a lot crossed off the list:

• Choose name (My husband has pretty much decided and calls her by that name, but I am still having issues...)
• Cot, plus mattress and bedding
• Pram
• Car seat
• Bottles & teats
• Muslins
• Change table
• Towels
• Bathtub
• Baby carrier
• Bouncer (borrowing from friend)
• Pack hospital bag
• Wash and sort baby clothes
• Boiler
• Curtains (still need to be put up though)
• TV (Waiting on insurance people)
• Telephone
• Window leak

So, still a lot to do, but getting there at least.

Last weekend we went for one night to beautiful Bath, with a stop at Stonehenge on the way back to London. (We had lunch at Jamie Oliver's restaurant too which was awesome). It was really good to get away and also, I must say, I surprised myself with how much I was able to walk around - up hills etc without even losing my breath. I think Pilates has been a huge benefit and I would really recommend it to anyone.

Hope you are all well?

~Sabine~

31 weeks

Last post was 3 weeks ago...
Last pic was 24 weeks...
shame on me!

I wish I could say I've been too busy etc, but the truth is, I've just been too pre-occupied with other things. Mostly stressing.
Yes, I know.
I suck.

I am 31 weeks pregnant and my to do list looks a little something like this:

• Choose name (oh my nerves)
• To buy:
• Cot, plus mattress and bedding
• Pram
• Car seat
• Bottles & teats
• Muslins
• Change table
• Towels
• Bathtub
• Baby carrier
• Bouncer
• Pack hospital bag
• Wash and sort baby clothes

Ok, my head is beginning to spin.

On top of all of that, in the past week, these are the things that have broken in our flat:

• Boiler
• Curtains
• TV
• Telephone
• Window leak

Yes, it's been an expensive week so far.
BUT, it's not all bad. My mom came to visit for a week, and now my dad arrives too in a couple of days.
And my friends threw me the most awesome baby shower - we were very spoilt. I will upload some pics once I get them.
Also, I saw the consultant last week and he's happy with my blood sugar up till this point - long may it last.
Growth scan on Friday.

And to make up for my lack of blogging, a 31 week picture:

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Hope you are all ok??

~Sabine~

28 week - growth scan

Grinning from ear to ear over here....Gestational diabetes can bite me!

Perfect scan - baby measuring exactly right for 28 weeks and now weighs roughly 1.2kg. Can hardly believe it! A real baby.
I asked for sex to be confirmed but she was shy, with her thighs tightly squeezed together.
The scan technician wanted to see the photos I have on my phone of baby as an embryo. She was amazed. And so am I. Every day. I haven't forgotten where we've come from or just how far we have come.

Most enjoyable: Feeling her move all the time now. Totally love it, even if sometimes it hurts!
Least enjoyable: Still no name. My biggest worry by far.

In other news, I finally started to buy things. I totally underestimated the cost of it all, and she isn't even here yet! It feels good to get organised, and makes it all a little more real. Lots more still to be done though. Any top tips on what people say you should have but in fact is a complete waste?!? (ie. plastic bathtubs - as opposed to just a support). Would love some advice from some other moms.
And some more name ideas would be great too! If you really liked a name but it was wildly popular right now (as in top 3) would you still use it?

~Sabine~

It's a...

Well, I'm glad to know the first scan pics were as ambiguous to you as they were to me!

So, without further ado...

It's a GIRL!!!!!


~Sabine~

Bad week, turned good...

As the title says - I had an awful stress filled week. So yesterday, hubby and I happened to be at home in the afternoon, and we thought, why not - let's try book a 4D scan for next week (usually that's how long it takes to get an appointment). So we called, and they were just closing up but said they would wait for us to come in right then!

Off we rushed, and on the way there we decided, what the heck, let's find out the sex.

Well, we were there for over an hour and half. Baby did not want to co-operate! I had to climb stairs, drink hot chocolate, walk up and down, and finally....baby turned around (but still with feet up over the head).

The scan technician said she could see the sex: 97% sure, but I couldn't see what she was pointing out. Can you? (there is a little hand cursor over the area she pointed out)

We are so thrilled!!!!

~Sabine~

Willpower, where are you?

Remember how adamant I was about staying on team yellow?

Yeh, well, hmmm. I'm having doubts.

The doubts started after many hours spent looking at baby names. For some reason, I spend way too much time on girls names, and I realise boys names are actually harder!
I was thinking, why am I adding this anxiety over names? It's probably my number 1 stress right now (besides for living arrangements which is another post entirely) but I have the power to make it 50% less stressful.

We are going for a 4D scan probably in the next few weeks when hubby's parents come to visit, and I'm seriously considering finding out the sex then.
But I'm embarrassed - what will people think! I know I shouldn't care, but I've told everyone we want a surprise and now I'm 'throwing in the towel' at the last minute!
Hubby hasn't minded knowing from the beginning - it's just me who wanted the surprise. My family also want me to find out because if it's a boy, we need to do a circumcision at 8 days (religious reasons) which will need to be organised and is a huge deal that family will want to make plans to come over for. (I don't even want to think about this tradition - it is awful awful awful - but that's also a whole other story).

What do you think? Find out or not?

~Sabine~

P.S. I have an irrational craving for smoked salmon. It's bad. I also have a stinking cold and have been in bed since Saturday :(

24 weeks!

Today is a huge milestone for me and Joops - 24 weeks - viability baby!
Now I am really starting to believe this is happening. And that means I need to start shopping! And I need names PRONTO!
Thank you all so much for your suggestions - they helped a lot. If you think of more, please keep them coming! (Carys is said to rhyme with Paris by the way)

Hubby and I spent most of the weekend watching Joopy roll around and move my whole belly, and I have a new favourite time of day - bath time. Usually I shower, but quite by accident I discovered Joopy loves the bath! So active, and I love to watch how every kick makes the water ripple - it really makes me laugh. I find myself in a state of disbelief that this tiny being has the power to move all that bath water ;)

I met someone at the weekend who has 2 daughters. It took them 6 rounds of IVF for each one (her husband had chemo, so it was for MFI). I was actually embarrassed to admit it worked first time for us, and I was amazed at the strength and will it must have taken for her to go through that, but most of all, I am just the most grateful person in the world. I don't know how we got so lucky, so blessed. Now I just wish the same luck for my internet friends who are still waiting for their miracle - I think of you all the time.

Without further ado - my 24 week viable bump:
(have to stop taking pics in the hallway with my cell phone - the light comes from behind me, so my face etc is always in shadow/weird colours! And I look like I have the darkest rings under my eyes too! Not the most flattering - sorry!)

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And, I finally managed to catch some movement on video:
Arrghhh, it won't upload! Silly blogger! Any tips to get it to work?

In other news, added to the name struggle - struggling with my blood sugars. I'm trying SO hard, but the specialist seems to think it won't matter what I do/eat, and as baby grows, my levels will be harder to manage. Trying my utmost to enjoy every minute of this pregnancy, so trying to not think about it too much *head in the sand*
Damn diabetes.

~Sabine~

Name Saga

Dear Readers,

I need some serious help! Please!!

When I dreamed of getting pregnant, I used to think the best and most fun part would be picking out names. How wrong was I?! What a huge, daunting responsibility. What if we get it wrong? Or hate the name after? Or can't decide at all and the baby is nameless?! Eeeek!

DH and I have been talking about names for months, and seem to be further away from deciding than ever before! We have looked in books, on the internet, etc etc and nothing.

Finally, we more or less agreed on a girl's name.

And then the impossible happened. My SIL who is having her baby girl a month before I'm due had decided from the beginning on a name. Then, on Monday, I spoke to her and they have now changed the name. Yes, you guess it. The EXACT same name we were talking about.
Well, I was just devastated. I didn't say anything (what's the point?) but the more I think about it, the more upset I get. How unfortunate is that? I mean, what are the chances?! We didn't tell anyone the name and it's just a freaky coincidence. But you know when you decide on a name and go over and over it in your head, and imagine your child with that name, and now no other names seems right.
I have some others we like, but none we love.

We wanted something short and classic (our surname is disgustingly long and complicated) but not over-used. Something everyone would know how to pronounce and spell, but not every second kid in the class has it. That's why this name was perfect. Gutted.
And now my niece will be called that and I fear it will break my heart forever more!

Anyway.
What can I do. DH said it's just not meant to be, we will find a better name, but I don't see how if it took us so long to come up with that! It could be a boy, in which case it wouldn't matter.

Please help us with some name suggestions! I swear, there will be a prize for the winner ;)

We have another name that we love, but would fall into the unusual category and will probably mean she will have to correct people on spelling and pronunciation forever, especially if we move back to South Africa.
The name is Carys. It means love in Welsh. How would you guys pronounce that?
(Interested to hear from the South Africans...what names are 'too' common in South Africa right now? And what would you think if you saw the name Carys?)

HELP!!!!

~Sabine~

P.S. Blood sugar levels seem to be under control through diet so far. Let's hope I can keep it that way....

Good/Bad - Part 2

The good: Even though I made the holiday sound awful in yesterday's post, we had some really great times too. As I said, the island was gorgeous, the relaxing was great, the people were really friendly, and I think if it wasn't for the unusual heatwave they were having it would have been a very different experience.

The bad: I have Gestational Diabetes.
Sorry, had to rip the band aid off if you know what I mean. No pretty way to say it. Have spent the past week having more blood taken from my body than I'm sure was strictly necessary.
It started on the Tuesday (day after we got back from holiday) with the first blood test. This blood test revealed I'm anaemic. Ok, no worries. Small potatoes. Explains all that bad tiredness I was complaining about. Off I go merrily on my way, iron pills in hand.
Thursday is my routine checkup with the consultant. Started off simply enough. Then they dropped the bombshell. Not great news for an already hormonal crying pregnant lady. They gave me a booklet which lists the horrible horrible effects of this disease on the baby - why?!?
He explained I'm at higher risk because of the PCOS and I have a big history of diabetes in my family, but this is quite early to get it. Usually it's more like at 28-30 weeks, and I think the statistics in this country are 1 in 20 pregnancies. After blubbering for a while, I left and totally forgot to do the blood test they asked me to and went off to work. Later, when I took my jersey out my bag, and my warm 3 hour old pee in a tube fell out and rolled on the floor under my bosses desk (was actually hilarious!) I realised I'd forgotten the blood test and to hand in my pee! So I had to go back to the hospital again! By this stage I was just emotionally and physically drained.

So, what this means for my pregnancy:

• Testing blood sugars 4 times a day (For a person who hate needles, this is the most needle filled pregnancy ever - from before, and now right till the end)
• Change diet drastically (have you ever tried resisting a pregnancy craving?! Sheesh!)
• Exercise
• Increase diabetic medication
• Monitored by consultant at hospital every 2 weeks
• Scans to check growth of baby every 4 weeks
• Lots of hard work and monitoring

I spent the rest of the week crying at the drop of a hat and feeling like the shittest mother on the planet already. Guilt, shame, depression, woe is me, my poor, poor baby. :( I'm so sorry Joopy.

~Sabine~

Good/Bad - Part 1

See how I started with Good? And my husband thinks I'm a pessimist - hah!
I've been away for a while. It seems like so much has happened in the last two weeks. Oh, that's because it has. And I'm exhausted. Hence Part 1 today because that's all I can deal with for now!

The good: I am almost 22 weeks pregnant! And baby is making him/herself known every day now, which I am totally loving. Even the kicks that feel like they are in my v.agina! Also, complete strangers are asking me when I'm due etc, which means that I actually must look pregnant now!! Wow!

The bad: The holiday was the opposite of how it was meant to be. Instead of relaxing and enjoyable, it was stressful and scary. I should've known when the crying began about 3-4 days before we left. I'm pretty sure it's hormonal since I cry for anything nowadays - happy, sad, tired, frustrated, excited. You get the idea.
So anyway, picture this highly emotional women travelling to Greece. To begin with, I hate easyjet with a passion (local no frills airline). We were delayed an hour at least each way, and because there's no allocated seating, people were like ANIMALS. I swear, they were elbowing me and pushing past me, and I went into total freak out/protection mode. Then, the hotel. Well 5 stars it wasn't. I discovered a few things about the hotel/area that my very extensive research before I booked it did not disclose. No airconditioning in lobby/restaurants etc (and they were having a heatwave - almost 40 degrees celcius every day). This meant I was mostly stuck in the air conditioned room throughout the day, even outside in the shade was too hot. Also, I could not risk the food. It was sitting open buffet style in the heat, but worst of all I discovered the water in this particular area is bad. So I couldn't eat anything washed in the water and the very nice bar lady kindly informed me not to touch any of the drinks as they are all watered down using tap water, including the juice. Furthermore, she advised the swimming pool was not properly monitored and she wouldn't recommend swimming in it at all. And the beach was a funicular ride down a steep mountain side - only fitting 4 people at a time. Ugh, great, yes?
So, to sum up, I couldn't eat or swim. BUT we did have a lovely time sitting out on our porch - gorgeous view, gorgeous island, lots of reading and sleeping and going into town for dinner.
Well, it was fun except for when I came down with the flu and the time I spent worrying I'd contracted listeria and something terrible was going to happen to my baby.

To be continued....

~Sabine~

P.S. Bratty, I went away and a week later no blog? Hope all is ok?!?

Half Baked!

20 weeks today.
This totally blows my mind.
I know it's a little late, but I'm actually PREGNANT. And there's a healthy little baby growing inside me right now.
I still feel like I'm living in my biggest fantasy world, and yet, it's starting to feel completely normal now.
I don't want to waste a minute not appreciating how truly lucky and blessed we are.

Sorry for the ramble - I've been an emotional wreck all week. I cried sobbed tears of happiness at the X-f.actor for goodness sake!

Anyway, we are off the airport in an hour for our belated Greece 1 year wedding anniversary/babymoon!
Babymoon! Hell yes!!!!

Hope you all have a wonderful week!

~Sabine~
xoxo

I'm in love

Pic 1: Profile
Pic 2: Yawning and rubbing eyes
Pic 3: Tiny crossed over baby feet (2.85cm long)

Baby is measuring right on track, and was very well behaved in the scan, even opening up hands so we could count fingers. This was the big anomaly scan so the technician checked heart (amazing how it went from a flicker on the screen to now being able to see each of the 4 chambers), spine, brain, eyes (we even saw the lens through its shut eyelids), kidneys, bladder, stomach, lips (sooooo cute!) and counted fingers and toes.
Joops was so cute, stretching, yawning, swallowing amniotic fluid (we even saw the little tongue moving), rubbing eyes, stretching legs etc etc. It was a miracle. I, of course, cried all the way through.

We said we didn't want to know the sex, but towards the end I asked the technician to check for us to to make sure everything looks normal down there. We covered our eyes and she had a quick look and said everything looks perfect. Weird to think she knows the sex and we don't. And it was SO tempting to take a sneaky look...
My SIL is convinced she can tell the sex from these scans but I don't see how? What do you guys think? Any guesses???

And to finish off a really great day, my brother and SIL had their anomaly scan and they are having a healthy little girl!!!! I am so, so thrilled!

~Sabine~

P.S. Thanks for all your lovely comments on the previous post. Still think I look awful though ;)

P.P.S. That was my last scan on the NHS - are they crazy?!?!!! From now on, just some midwife appointments and dopplers. We are going to go for a 4D scan at around 30 weeks we think because there is no way I can go through the next 20 weeks with no scan! As if 8 wasn't bad enough!

One more sleep...

...Until we see Joopy.

Looks like I just may have survived the 8 week wait from hell. Lucky for me I look like a house so I know something's going on in there (clearly the baby is in the growing business right now):

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If I look like this at 19 weeks - well - I think I may get huge)

Also, hubby felt baba move through my belly properly for the first time last night - amazing! His face made me want to cry. A hell of a lot of things make me want to cry lately...

I have decided to be brave and post some pics just so you can see for yourselves the full extent. This has taken lots of courage so please be gentle with me ;)

First pic - 6 weeks, second pic - 18 weeks

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(awful pictures - my apologies - not feeling my most glamorous right now. Fat. Very fat. Tired. Have I mentioned I'm tired? Must be all this super growing going on)

I can't believe I just posted these pictures...... moving right along....

Besides for baby growing, there has actually been so much going on.
Firstly, work has become almost unbearable. They hate me because I'm pregnant. Sounds dramatic but I swear it's true. The MD stopped greeting me after he found out. And not ONE person has said congratulations to me. Not one. My boss sighs and puts her head in her hands every time I have a midwife appointment. And makes me stay late. And keeps refusing my holidays even though I'm entitled to take 19 still before my maternity leave. I knew they wouldn't be thrilled obviously, but I didn't expect just how un-thrilled they'd be. They act like I duped them or something, when in fact I've been with the company for 4 years (albeit in a different department) and have damn well earned every minute of leave.

The good news is we finally managed to book a holiday and are off to Greece for a week next week for a very needed holiday. My hubby is about to pass out from the stress, so Greece, here we come.

Also, his work have agreed for him to work in the South African office. So if we want to relocate we can. The question is - do we?!?! We just don't know what to do and are so, so torn. This needs it's own post when I can muster the energy.

And one last thing: we have decided not to find out the sex at tomorrow's scan. We want the surprise. Most people think we are nuts. I hope we don't accidentally see anything we shouldn't on the scan tomorrow....

Please pray for us that all is well tomorrow, and that Joopy is healthy.

Till tomorrow....

~Sabine~

Heartsore

For the past couple of days I have been so upset for my internet friend, who got a BFN on her first IVF. I was so wishing and hoping for a first time success story for her - she so deserves it. It's just so unfair. SO unfair.
So sorry Kitty. Sending you lots of love and strength right now.

~Sabine~

Note to self...

As much as you want to - DO NOT drink a can of Fanta Grape just before testing your blood sugar. It will mean A LOT of explaining to the Diabetes Obstetrician...

(Was SO worth it though.... mmmmmm)

~Sabine~

Week in pictures (for the pregnant lady who is too tired to write an actual post!)

Went to the hospital. 

(How am I going to be able to pee in this tiny tube as my bump grows?!)


Got needles?

(Not only did the Consultant practically send me to the psych ward for claiming to have felt movement already, but she would not let me have a scan - doppler only. They also found white blood cells in my urine (infection? Still waiting to hear), and despite passing my glucose test, they want me to stay on the M.etformin throughout my pregnancy, and so want to monitor my blood sugar - 4 times a day for a month! OUCH! This is a pregnancy destined to be be needle filled!)

Went shopping.

(Not for me, for a friend's surprise baby shower. I am still riding the jinx wave and will probably buy my first baby item when the baby is a week old. My husband picked them, he was so proud of himself)


Had a growth spurt.

(removed)

Taken in bathroom mirror at work - excuse the quality! And the frowning. Botox may be in my near future.
(17w4d)














(6 weeks down, 2 to go till we see Joops again. I think I deserve a medal. EIGHT weeks people!!)


~Sabine~

Long time no see...

Lately I have had no energy. Like, really, no energy. I have gone to update my blog a few times and it's just too much like hard work. I thought they said this exhaustion ends after the first trimester?

Anyway, I finally got round to doing a draw for the fertility stuff I had to give away, so I thought what would be fair would be to use an online random number picker.

I did it in the order of entries:

1) notthe30imagined 

2) Beckie's Infertile's friend P

And this is what came up!

Number 2!

So, Beckie, please mail me with your friend P's address so I can send her the package.

Sorry to notthe30imagined :(

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In other news, I see the consultant at the hospital tomorrow for an update on my glucose test, and I'm praying he will take pity on me and do a quick scan of Joops. I still have 3 weeks to go before I see him/her again, and its already been 5 weeks since I last had a scan! Yes, that equals 8 weeks of sheer torture in Sabine Land. I have also convinced myself that my belly is not growing, and I also haven't been feeling Joopy as often as in the past couple of weeks. All I can say is thank g-d for my doppler. Although, I hardly use it because baby HATES it and moves away every time I find the heartbeat. I feel bad chasing it around! 

I want to upload belly pics, but I can't bring myself to because they just look like flab to me! It's so depressing! And a horrible shape :(

I want a *real* baby bump!

I have gained 3.6kg already (16w2d)

Hopefully I will gain the courage to upload a bump pic soon...

Hope you are all doing OK? 

~Sabine~

Temporary overhaul

I've been planning on redoing my blog layout since the black background was implemented when I was in a pretty bad place and every time I looked at it, it felt ominous and horrible.

I've just changed the background so long so it's a bit lighter and less depressing, but would love to hear if you guys have any suggestions for me!?

This is the problem with being a graphic designer for a living - when it comes to designing something for myself, I get completely stuck and end up using a cr*p blogger template!

~Sabine~

14w3d update

I'm sitting here with my tummy growling already! I'm doing the fasting glucose blood test (every pregnant woman's nightmare - the fasting part, not to mention the needles!). That's no food for 16 hours!!!!! I better pass!

As for the fertility giveaway, not a huge demand ;) so tomorrow I will draw a name out of the hat - it's either going to notthe30imagined or Beckie's friend P. Good luck ladies, watch this space :)

I will now reveal something which I know perfectly well makes me sound like a raving looney...

.....

.....

I'm convinced I have been feeling Joopy move for the past few days.

I know, it's too early bla bla. But I'm serious. On Monday at work I was minding my own business when I felt like something flipped in my uterus. It was the strangest sensation I've ever felt. 

I ignored it knowing full well that 14 weeks is too early to feel someone so small, and it was probably wishful thinking. 

But, then the next morning, I felt popping. It's the best way I can describe it. It's definitely not gas or indigestion or anything like I've ever felt before. It is low down and varies on locations, but quite a lot to the left.

So there. Do you all think I'm crazy now?

I'm sure you do, so to distract you I will post some pictures of my fat bump :)

Quick! Look!

*Disclaimer: Yes, I am wearing my husband's boxer sleep shorts. They are damn comfy! Do not judge ... :). Oh, and that's my elbow in the second pic, just in case you're thinking "what the heck has pregnancy done to that poor girl's boobs?!"

~Sabine~

Last chance giveaway!

I haven't done the draw yet for the fertility stuff I have to give away, as I thought I would give people a bit more time to put themselves up for it or to nominate people who they think may need it.

I will do the draw some time during this week so get nominating!!!

Hope you're all having a great weekend - it's boiling hot here and I'm going to the park to enjoy it while it lasts!

~Sabine~

P.S. 14 weeks tomorrow - I can hardly believe it!

Chicken Pox and other miracles

I know Chicken Pox is not normally associated with miracles, but for me it is.

We were invited to a BBQ on Saturday at a friend's house, a friend who happens to know this is an IVF pregnancy, how hard we worked to get here.

She neglected to mention she'd invited a family literally just starting to get over a severe case of the pox. (Literally out of bed for the first time in 5 days that day). The father and his two children were affected - so clearly they realise not all adults have had the pox before? 

I haven't. Neither have my dad, brother or sister.

The father turns to me and says: "the chicken pox is going around, and it's so bad that even people who have had it before are getting it again." (my GP cousin later assured me the guy is full of cr*p!!)

Needless to say, I got out of there as soon as I could. But the panic stayed with me. What if? Even if they weren't contagious - would I have to spend the rest of my pregnancy worrying about pox?

I called my midwife who answered the phone on the Sunday (!) - a miracle in itself.

She booked me in for an emergency blood test to see if I'm immune to chicken pox.

I waited two days in terror.

I'm positive for antibodies - I'm immune to the virus! How?! She said sometimes the body builds immunity to it without ever getting the symptoms of the disease!

How lucky am I?

Then I realised, I need to have more faith. Despite all my fears and worries, this baby proves to me time and time again - s/he comes with many, many miracles.

Here's to a quiet and stress-free second trimester!

~Sabine~

P.S. Coming out the closet went fine, everyone was so excited. There were lots of 'I knew its!'. It was very scary but I feel way better not having to hide it anymore.

P.P.S. I start pregnancy pilates classes tomorrow and I'm so excited!

P.P.P.S Remember my friend who was also struggling TTC and now is pregnant and due a week after me? She booked me in for a full body pregnancy massage - her treat - on the condition I STOP STRESSING! Isn't she just amazing? It's exactly what I need! 

Thank goodness for pregnancy, chicken pox immunity, great friends, and meeting amazing people through this blog. I'm feeling so very lucky.

Paying it forward

In the frantic TTC stage, I spent quite a bit of money on expensive ovulation machines and tests and books, and now I want to pay it forward.

I was thinking of either putting it all together in one package or splitting it up and giving individual things away to those who want/need them. If there's a demand for more than one item, I will do some kind of random number generator to choose the person it goes to. What do you guys think? Which will work best? All together or split it up?? HELP!!!

This isn't just for those who read my blog (not many!) so please nominate a friend or anyone who is interested, if you have no need for it yourself. I will send anywhere in the world.

These are the items:

Clearblue Fertility Monitor (not packaged but used only once - what a waste!)

Clearblue monitor test sticks X22 (brand new)
Ovulation test sticks (OPKS) X6 (brand new)

Clearblue Digital Pregnancy test with conception indicator (brand new)
First Response Early Response pregnancy test (brand new)
“A Few Good Eggs” - by Julie Vargo and Maureen Regan (brand new)

(Click on the links if you want to read more about the product)

Let me know what you think about whether I should split the items or keep them together, and leave your name as a comment if you are interested!

Thanks,

Sabine

**EDITED TO ADD: I've given it some thought and it's probably best to keep everything together, so if you want to go into the 'draw' please leave a comment saying you're interested and your name! I will keep it open for a week to make it fair, and choose a name randomly next Friday. Really hoping this stuff can help someone else, and save someone some money. G-d knows this infertility malarkey ain't cheap!! **

Have a happy weekend everyone :)

Change of plans

My friend called to tell me "since I'm allowed to tell now, I've told so and so (an ex colleague of ours)."

I was like WHAAAAT?!?! No, you're not allowed to tell, and I confided in you and you've been keeping the secret since day one - what the heck happened?!!
This threw me into panic mode. If it gets around now before I've told my own family, there will be hell to pay.

So, I'm telling tomorrow.
This fills me with all kinds of worry (shocking, I know).
Will I jinx it by telling too soon? Is it too soon to tell? I'm angry I've been put in this situation at all.

The original plan was to tell on Friday, so I figure a few days early will make no difference (12+1 instead of 12+4) and by the luck of the draw, I saw the consultant at the hospital today who gave me the blood results. Our risks are low at 1:8800 chance of downs.
I also have protein in my urine which didn't seem to concern them too much, so I'm trying not to think about it.
But the best part of all was that he wanted to listen to the baby's heartbeat, and since he said the baby is still so small, he did a proper ultrasound! Yes, I got to see Joopy again! S/he was bouncing around and has grown even more! Was great!
I am also booked for a fasting glucose blood test - it's 3 hours and I'm not looking forward to it!!!

I saw the physio today as well and its turns out I have something called PGP (Pelvic Girdle Pain). Apparently it's made worse by the extra hormones used during IVF which is why I'm suffering so early on. Very interesting stuff, and hopefully can be well managed.

Wish me luck for coming out of the closet tomorrow!

~Sabine~

Milestones

Yesterday, two things happened that up until recently, I never thought would happen to me:

1) I heard Joopy's heartbeat on my cheapo doppler - music to my ears! (11w3d)
2) I told my boss I'm pregnant

Saying it out loud to someone other than family was completely mind blowing. It was a little like revealing a big dark secret and going to the principal's office all rolled into one. I was shaking and sweating, and yes, still scared that saying it aloud may jinx it or something. To my surprise, she was great, very supportive and even wanted to see my scan pic. So that's a huge relief. She's promised not to tell until I give her the go-ahead.

We're waiting the 3 working days at least that the hospital said we should for the blood test results to come in. Basically, how it works is that if you are high risk for downs, they will call you within 3 working days. If you hear nothing, that means you're low risk and will get a letter in the post within 2 weeks to confirm the low risk ratio.

So, technically, if we don't hear anything by the end of Monday, all is good. BUT I'm going to give them a couple of extra days to get their acts together, and we are most likely going to tell family on Friday, and friends on Saturday next week, which will put me at 2 days before 13 weeks. I think I would just feel a little more comfortable telling then. What's a few more days right?

In other news, I'm off to the doctors this morning with pelvic/back pain, which I've had for about 2 weeks and ignored. Sure it's nothing, but better to get it checked out I guess.

Also, it's hubby's birthday on Sunday and I have no idea what to get him! We are having a lunch celebration with some friends and I'm going to have to do some very clever disguising of this boep* I'm sporting.
Interesting fact: My husband was born on his mother's birthday, and my mom was born on her mom's birthday too. Weird huh?

Anyway, I feel like I haven't done a proper post in ages since my mind has been so focused on getting through the first trimester, so I hope to pick up with the blogging soon.

~Sabine~

P.S. Thanks for your lovely messages yesterday!

*boep = noun – Pot belly, paunch; generally associated with the conformation of older – or beer-drinking – men. Shortened form of the Afrikaans boepens (paunch), from the Dutch boeg (bow of ship) and pens (stomach).

Relief

All went perfectly, blood results in 3 working days...

CRL: 4.7cm (11w4d - baby has caught up!)
FHR: 168bpm
NT: 1.5mm

As ever, completely blown away.

5 hours...

...Until the NT scan.

I am 11w2d, they do the scan here between 11-14 weeks.
I'm nervous Joopy will be too small to measure the nuchal translucency accurately, I'm nervous something has happened to Joopy, I'm nervous that they will make me wait 2 weeks for the results, I'm nervous.

Also, I am so bloody grateful to even be at this point. It's nothing short of miraculous. It's still surreal. See you soon my baby.

~Sabine~

Battle of the bloat part 2

The other day the unimaginable happened.

A woman offered me her seat on the tube.
Now, she was either psychic or delusional because there is no way my bloat/questionable bump is visible to anyone, especially not a complete stranger.
I was so, so embarrassed. I turned bright red, mumbled a 'no, thanks' and hid behind the guy in front of me.

OK, fine, I admit it's getting a little harder to hide it, and I have been walking about with my jeans button undone and praying nobody at work notices.

I CANNOT wait till we can tell people so I can stop with the paranoia and secrets!
Already all my friends are talking about it, some have asked me even, and I refuse to deny it so I usually shrug and say nothing.

5 and a half days until the scan. I can survive 5 days right?
Problem is, I won't get the blood test results back for another 2 weeks (if I'm lucky) after that, so technically we can't tell for another 2 weeks, 5 days!

How can I hide it for 3 more weeks?!?!

~Sabine~

Battle of the bloat

How can this be? I'm not even 10 weeks yet and look at this:

This pic I took when I was stimming for IVF and thought I was bloated! Oh the irony!






I know it's too early for baby bumps, and my diet has been particularly bad (baby does not like vegetables or anything sweet hence not much fruit either, but LOVES carbs, pastas, cheeses etc) but sheesh, that's a LOT of bloat!

I can't wait till I have a proper baby bump and not a questionable bloat one!

~Sabine~

9w5d

I don't even have the words:

CRL: 29.8mm
HB: 178bpm

Joopy was moving all around, kicking his/her arms and legs and stretching.
(I will upload a (very poor quality) video later if anyone's interested.)


It was magical. Best scan yet. Totally glad I was an cowardly lunatic!

Thank G-d. That's all I can say. Thank G-d. We are so blessed and grateful.

Now, who wants to vote how long it will take me to crack before our next scan?

~Sabine~

One week

That's how long my bravery lasted.

I just booked a scan for Saturday.

I'm not proud, but who am I kidding? It seems 2 weeks between scans is my absolute limit. I'm hoping it's a first trimester thing. 

There's no real reason for the sudden scan urge, just the same lack of symptoms combined with a good old dose of IVF paranoia, and too many internet horror stories. Yes, I know, NO MORE INTERNET for me!

On another note, may I just ask: WHY IS TIME STANDING STILL?!? It's driving me absolutely mental. I said to my hubby the other day: "surely we should have a 10 year old child by now?".

It feels like 10 years have gone past and I'm exhausted!

~Sabine~

On trying to be brave

As you may have realised, I've been a tad, umm, anxious about this first trimester.
As soon as I left the hospital yesterday, I arranged a scan at 10w2d weeks at the private clinic.
But they could only do during the day, so I started to stress about taking more time off work with no explanation. So I called another clinic who could see me at 7pm after work but they could only do it at 10w3d - which is only 6 days for my official nuchal scan.

And then something dawned on me.

All this running around to scans is actually making me anxious.
So I decided to be brave. I called both clinics and cancelled the appointments (!).

I mean, I know little Joopy is doing well. I have seen his/her* little heart beating with my own eyes.
I've decided to have a little bit of faith. And remain calm and hopeful. I mean, I just think about what's to come, and I don't want to freak out at every stage of this pregnancy, so I'm trying to make a conscience effort to change my ways now. I want to enjoy this pregnancy as much as I can.

I realise it's all in G-d's plan - everything is beyond my control. If something is G-d forbid wrong, then a scan will not change the outcome. Another scan changes nothing except for peace of mind. And I've noticed that my 'peace of mind' after a scan lasts only a day or 2 before I start wondering again.

So, let the countdown begin - 20 more days till we get to see you again my baby.  Please keep growing big and strong.

~Sabine~

* I say his/her but I'm already thinking girl in my head. I have no idea why! Originally I was convinced a boy, but now I'm not so sure. Well, we have a lot longer to wonder because I don't think we will find out the sex beforehand!

Midwife + hospital = A Very Long Day

Off I set to my very first midwife appointment yesterday morning. How surreal! It was VERY long appointment and she stuck needles in both arms but couldn't get blood out of either! I mentioned the C.rinone saga, and the night before it was red blood, so off she sent me to the early scanning unit where I sat for the remainder of the day.

Work don't know yet that I'm pregnant. As you know, it's a new job and I'm afraid to tell them. On the other hand, all these unexplained days off and doctors appointments must be making them wonder...

Anyway, to cut a very long story short, they did a quick (external) scan and Joopy is now a proper baby shaped blob! In 10 days s/he has gone from 6.2mm to 14.5mm and has a beautiful perfect beating heart!! They don't measure the heartbeat and they also don't give pictures to take home, so I had to take a couple of sneaky shots on my phone - sorry once again for the quality. Joopy is still measuring 1 day behind at 8 weeks yesterday which give me a due date of 11-01-11. At least s/he is consistent!

I also almost blacked out when they took 6 vials of blood! Never happened to me before - and I've donated blood before. So weird!

I'm just so relieved and so happy - all is well!
I need to have more faith that everything is going to be just fine.

Keep growing nice and strong my baby!!!

~Sabine~

P.S. Still no morning sickness?! The nurse told me I should count myself lucky but I so don't feel pregnant and I think that's adding to my anxiety.

P.P.S. Both doctors I saw yesterday said: NO STRESSING ALLOWED, so I'm trying so hard to do that, but it goes against my very nature! Any suggestions on how to live a bit more stress free for the rest of this trimester?

Hmmm

Yes, I'm still here. And yes, I'm going to whinge again. I'm sorry, look away now if it annoys you.

I have just spent an hour googling about my brown/pink clumps in the C.rinone progesterone build up.

Basically, the build up got so bad (TMI - sorry - but if you've used this stuff, you'll know what I mean).
Anyway, it hurt so bad, even just sitting down, so I went and pulled some stuff out, and by 'some' I mean half a bath towel at least.

At first it was white and chunky, then the higher I pulled out from the pinker/browner it got.
I don't know what to think anymore. I hate being so negative. I'm trying to change it, and I've been SO good this past week (believe me), but it seems everyone I speak to is intent on telling me about the friend they had who miscarried etc etc, and I'm so nervous.

I know this is beyond my control, what will be, will be. The emotional part of me wishes I could go for a scan every week to ease my fears. But I can't.

And I am thinking every day I lucky I am to be in this situation - the outcome could've been very different. I am truly grateful, really I am.

If any of you have used the C.rinone - please tell me if you had this problem? Dr. Google gives mixed reviews. Thank you xxx

~Sabine~


P.S. I made this last week - I wasn't going to post it, but I figured I would - just in case you don't believe how happy I really am :)
(removed)

P.P.S. Oh, G-d, please let this not be the end, please let Joopy be safe and sound.

Gratitude

I was soooooo nervous before the scan, I just cried. But you don't want to hear about that, you want to hear about Joopy right?

Well Joopy is a good and well behaved embryo, with a beautiful heartbeat which we were lucky enough to hear on the doppler! Wow!
Thank you G-d!!!!!!!!
I have a video of the whole thing but it's 10 minutes long. Will try get DH to shorten it.

The stats are:
Measuring 6w3d (1 day behind?!) at a CRL (crown rump length) measurement of 0.62cm.
Heart rate 126 bpm
Yolk sac
Corpus luteum

Of course, I was freaking out concerned about the fact Joopy is measuring a day behind and also, I thought the heart rate is too low, so I immediately emailed my FS with the details. He responded right away with this message:

"That is very good news. The scan is perfect! Please don't worry."

I feel a million times better already - isn't he a sweetheart?!

On the tube on the way to the scan, I was listening to my music, and all of a sudden I look down and Madonna's song "Heartbeat" came on, which I took as a good sign.

I don't think I have spoken about it on the blog before, but for 5 days before my beta blood test, I saw a rainbow every day. You know when something reflects off glass etc and you get those little lights? They were everywhere - on my hand, on my phone, on the wall....so, yeh, I believe in signs. 

Without further ado, some pics of the scans (sorry again about the quality - why is it so hard to photograph these things?!)

Heart rate 126 bpm

Yolk sac and fetal pole marked

(don't you think the sac looks like a smile?)

Crown Rump length

0.62cm





Thanks for sticking around Joopy. Mommy and daddy love you very, very much.

~Sabine~

P.S. Trying not to think about the fact that all my symptoms have practically disappeared today?!?!

Morning sickness....

Hooooooo boy!

I am sick and happy and sick.
Maybe it's just because I'm nervous for tomorrow's scan?
Or maybe it's because Joopy* is trying to reassure me not to worry so much? Such a good baby already.

All my barely there symptoms have magnified today. The nausea, the tiredness, the sore nipples, the heartburn.
I have no reason to believe anything is wrong, right? I mean, if there was something wrong and the baby wasn't growing right, I would know, wouldn't I? Bleeding or cramping or complete lack of symptoms?
I am really trying to let my head rule and not my heart on this one. It's damn tough.

~Sabine~

* After I had my 5w scan, I sent the photo to DH who was already back in London. He said it looked like a picture of Jupiter. I laughed so much and the name has stuck, Joopy for short :)

My IVF/ICSI protocol

I realise this is very boring and I am a list making nerd, but I wanted to post it so I will always have it, and who knows, maybe it will help someone one day.
If you don't feel like looking at the whole thing (I don't blame you!!), here's a quick summary:

SHORT ANTAGONIST IVF: (No down reg)
Day 3 - 13:   Stim: G.onal F injections (11 days)
Day 8 - 13:   Prevent premature ovulation: C.etrotide injections (6 days)
Day 13:   Trigger: O.vidrel injection
Day 15:   14 eggs retrieved
Day 16:   9 fertilised with ICSI  (Start E.stropause - Estrogen and C.rinone 8% -Progesterone)
Day 20:   5 blasts - 2 transferred @ 5 days, 3 frozen
Day 20-23: Self imposed bed rest
Day 29:   BFP: 9dp5dt -Beta: 158
Day 31:   Beta 2: 11dp5dt: 308
Day 36:   5 week scan. 1 gestational sac measuring perfectly

Phew, sounds so simple and painless when you put it like that!

I had a terrible night's sleep last night. Firstly I'm anxious about the scan on Friday, and secondly, what the heck is up with my n.ipples (sorry TMI) - they bloody hurt!!! Every time I turned over they woke me. Just my n.ipples, not the rest - I am a freak!! Sleeping with a soft sports bra tonight - they seem better when they're covered.

~Sabine~

6w1d, time is standing still!

The day before yesterday, after I pulled out the p.rogesterone applicator, I noticed a tiny, almost microscopic spec of red blood.

Despite the fact I had already peed, it was night time, and I'd been drinking a lot (recipe for disaster), I did what any infertile would do. I peed on a stick. And not just any stick. The C.learblue torture stick, which as you know from a few posts ago, should have read 3+. But it didn't, it read 2-3. That combined with the lack of symptoms has not made for a happy and carefree week.

My recipe for disaster turned out to be just what the doctor ordered.

Thank you g-d. I swear I say that every time I go to the bathroom and it's all clear.

I have also had these tiny, tiny (in my imagination?) waves of nausea. Kind of like a car-sick feeling? Not sure if it's legitimate but I'm taking it as a good sign.

I'm trying to keep calm till my scan on Friday at 6w4d. I need to see that heartbeat. Seeing is believing.

Why do they call this the first trimester? Surely it should have a scarier name than that to do it any justice at all. And it's an eternity long.

In other news, I went for lunch with my friend, the real life friend who was struggling to conceive. She's pregnant! And the weirdest part? Our estimated due dates are 1 day apart! 1 day! How crazy is that?

Also, my SIL had her 10 week scan today and her baby is doing perfectly too! I've been saying it a lot this year, but this is the year of miracles. So many miracles. All I can do is wish and hope and pray for miracles for all of you too.

~Sabine~

P.S. Are these things symptoms? Bear in mind they are very very mild, sometimes I think I'm making them up! Tiny waves of "car sickness", sharp pains in the most random places in my breasts and sometimes the uterus/ovaries too, tiredness, indigestion - burping and heartburn (terrible!).

P.P.S. I also made a spreadsheet (Yes, I'm a list geek) of my IVF and the protocol I was on day by day which I will post up this week. When I was starting off my IVF I really wanted to see other people's protocols but couldn't find very many. 

A day in the life of the N.H.S (and other pregnancy related mysteries)

N.H.S (National Health Service) fail - all in the space of 1 day:

1) Letter 1:

"Dear Sabine's crap London doctor,
Thank you for referring this patient to IVF 'hospital name'. Unfortunately we are unable to accept the referral because the patient is not eligible for NHS treatment at this hospital: Patient's PCT (local council) does not commission assisted conception at 'hospital name'."

Err, alrighty then. It was quicker for me to fly to South Africa and actually get preggers than to get this rejection letter.

2) Letter 2:

"Dear Sabine,
As you are aware, we are arranging your IVF referral to 'hospital name'. You are required to have a HSG x-ray and you and your partner to have HIV, hepatitis B, hepatitis C and rubella blood test."

Really? I should have all these tests AGAIN (cos it's fun) even though I've already been denied?

3) Phone call from hospital:
"Hi Sabine, Can you come in for an urgent midwife appointment on Tuesday, we can't do anything or refer you for a scan until your pregnancy has been dated and you have no idea how far along you are."

SAY WHAT?!
I informed her I know exactly how far along I am and am now seeing the midwife on June 1st at 8w2d, and my first scan on June 23rd at 11w2d. Whoop!

These people are nuts! No wonder everything takes 10 years to get done around here! And bear in mind, this is all from the same department at the same hospital!
I had such a huge laugh about all this with hubby, what else can you do!?

In other news, I started my new job which has been good so far, and a very welcome distraction from sitting at home worrying about nonsense.

Still no symptoms. At least, I think no symptoms...does my teeth hurt...count as a symptom? It's the weirdest thing. They hurt. I can't explain it. Not sensitive, not like there is a cavity. The whole front top row hurt! Oh, and I seem to have slightly red nipples. RED! What's that all about? Absolutely hilarious.

I don't know why, but I'm starting to actually believe this whole pregnancy thing is going to result in a beautiful, healthy baby at the end. I guess I have no good reason not to believe. And I don't want to spend this time feeling anxious. I am pregnant. I have to believe.

~Sabine~

Back for a few hours...

and already not coping!

The 11+ hour flight was very long since I was drinking a small bottle of water every hour, and getting up to exercise as well. This meant no sleep and I'm exhausted!

I went straight to the GP here who was DISGUSTING. Firstly I waited over 2 hours because they forgot to call my name. Then he told me that the earliest I will see a midwife for a scan is at 16 weeks! And if I was worried about it, I should've stayed in South Africa.

The difference in medical care is so vast it's not even on the same chart. I am going to have private scans - more money - but there is no way I can rely on this system (which is a crying shame since I have been paying out of my bum for it for 9 long years and never use it!).

DH and I are seriously considering moving back to SA. And soon. The idea of giving birth here, nevermind having a small baby with his/her own medical needs scares me more than words can say.

That's not the only reason, of course, but it is a big one.

All I can say is thank g-d I never attempted to do my IVF here.

I did another bad thing. I peed on this C.learblue digital monitor that tells you how far along you are.
I am 5w2days today, so the reader should read 3+. (it reads since conception, not last period)

Mine doesn't:

I am calming my nerves with the following thoughts:
a) it's not 100% accurate
b) HCG levels vary from person to person - (although mine were high - wtf?!)
c) I had just had a bottle of water (and about 4 litres during the flight) and the pee was more diluted?

It's not working.

Oh, g-d, I am a sucker for punishment.
Why didn't I insist on a 3rd beta???

The good news is that I booked a private scan for next week 6w4d - I need to see that heartbeat. Oh, please let there be a heartbeat. I still have no symptoms, just the heartburn/indigestion and a few aches :(

I am truly sorry if I sound ungrateful - this is more difficult than I ever imagined it would be. I have so much more to lose. Please don't get me wrong, I am OVERJOYED to be in this position, it's just that nothing could have prepared me for how hard it is. I want everything to be ok.

~Sabine~

P.S. Start my new job tomorrow - more stress - wish me luck.