Divorce...

...Was granted this morning.
I am so relieved it was quick and it's over.

I am so very tired.

~Sabine~

Reality

He's gone to rehab. I've asked for a divorce.
The reality is.. he never stopped his behaviour. The lies he's been telling me...
I hope for his sake and our daughter's sake that he gets clean and stays there because this is seriously one fucked up disease.
He has literally lost everything, and for what?

I have decided I choose to not be the victim anymore. Not to him and not to this fucking disgraceful illness that I never asked to be a 'part' of.
I just can't live like this.

So, that's it.

This is terrifying. Heartbreaking. Unbelievable.

My poor baby. When did her dad become someone I need to protect her from?
I'm so grateful for her. She makes me smile every day. She is my reason for getting out of bed. And most of all, she is my reason for my decision to leave. I hope one day she will understand and forgive me. I hope.

Gone

He's gone.

I don't even know where. He left this morning, and not on good terms.

I called my newly found therapist and went to see her straight away. She specialises in addiction and she is GREAT.
The realisations I've made in two sessions are more than in the past 8 months.
Just goes to show how important it is to go to the 'right' person, especially when it comes to this. Someone who really knows and understands the very complicated disease called addiction.

I also realise I have many unhealthy addictions of my own. I am co-dependent. To such a level that I have stayed in a situation which is not good or healthy for me. I have ignored myself and what I believe. I have compromised my value system. I also own up to some not very nice treatment of my husband over many years. In other words, I used my own lack of self worth to excuse my behaviour, live in denial and worst of all, project that all onto my husband. And as an excuse to tolerate escalating 'unacceptable behaviour'.

There's a lot of work to be done. A lot. And I'm so scared. I want to forgive and forget again. I want to go back into denial, accept the bad behaviour - just to have him near. Just so I don't have to be alone.

We spoke a lot about what's keeping me from facing up to the truth. Why I am trying to keep up a facade that everything is perfect, when it's so obviously not.
I don't know if any of this even makes sense but I have to get it out. So I will start here. Put the words on 'paper'. Have other people know my dirty little secret. I need to find me again. Not protect him, illusions, and an unhealthy relationship. I'm so afraid of judgment, the truth, the end result. Most of all, I am so, so, so ashamed.

I am Sabine. I am the co-dependant of a sex addict.

Everything changes. Everything stays the same.

Hi.

I feel like I'm new at this, it's been that long.
I keep meaning to update bla bla (usual excuses) but a lot has been happening.

We moved. We tried. Well, I did, but hey, who knew - one person trying just isn't enough.

Different place, same old thing.
Addict's an addict I guess. Took him a whole two months, and of course, the marriage failure is MY fault because I asked him to leave. Never mind what he did to make me FINALLY do that after all this time.
I'm so tired. So tired.
My poor, poor, poor little girl. I blame myself for it all.
I seriously have no idea how we got here??? It is completely absolutely mind-boggling. I don't see any light at the end of this tunnel.

I may delete this post soon, or at least, edit it. It's just too raw right now. But I thought it was only fair to update. That is, if anyone is still out there.

~Sabine~

Sad

So, so incredibly sad.

That is all.

A break from doom and gloom*

*inspired by Marcia :) Hope you don't mind me linking to you?

Just watched the cutest video of her gorgeous kids and it reminded me of a video of baby C from a couple of months ago which just makes me laugh. Hope it has the same effect on you.
Things are pretty tough at home. I'm the saddest I think I've ever been. I thank g-d for C every day. It's solely because of her that I get up, get dressed and laugh every day. She is at such a cute age and is very funny and strong willed. She is also very independent and if I take her to a party or a playgroup, she is off and playing without so much as a backwards glance.
She says: mama, dada, baba, up and if I sing or hum, she sings along with me every time. So sweet.
I just cannot believe she will be 1 year old in less than a month.
Hope you are all well and gearing up for the holiday season!

(removed)

p.s. Please excuse her hair - she'd just pulled her ponytail out a few minutes before :)

Back

After 3 weeks away (a little longer than expected due to a delayed flight and a strike), I'm back.
But not for long.
We are moving back to SA. For now, all of us.
We have talked about it and talked about it for years. Well, the time is now.

I can't live here anymore, isolated from my family. Especially now. Especially knowing my marriage may not make it past this year or the next. The last thing I want is to be stuck here, a single parent, never being able to go home again.

This is a very, very scary decision for me. I'm witless with terror. What has become of my life? I don't know how I got here.

Last night I had a nightmare. It was so vivid. In the nightmare, I had known things about my husband and what he's done for years that I had chosen to bury deep down and pretend they didn't happen. I was so cross with myself that I had forgotten what I knew.

When I woke up, I realised it was true.

I must be sicker than I thought, such was the level of my denial. As soon as I woke up, I literally began to become flooded with memories. Memories I had buried so deep that I forgot they existed. How scary is that??? How does that even happen?

So, I have a lot to deal with about myself too. And I have a lot of blame to shoulder. This was my choice.

Sabine

Running away

I really appreciate all your comments, so thank you very much for taking the time to write them.

I've decided I need space and time to think, so I'm running away back home and taking C with me. We leave tomorrow (!)
I still haven't packed, and I dread to think of the 11.5 hour flight ahead of me with a very inquisitive and restless 10 month old, but right now it seems the least of my problems.

I don't know how I'm going to make a decision. I really don't.
Part of me thinks if I wanted to give up I'd already be gone, but then I remember my plan of not making any hasty decisions, for C's sake.

I know time is supposed to heal everything, but to be honest, as time goes on the worse I feel. I think this is because whatever ounce of denial I had is fast disappearing, like being yanked out of a dream world and into reality. And also, the more I think about it, the more the enormity of the situation sinks in. It is a very, very scary place to be. Never in a million years did I think I would ever be in this situation. If you knew my husband and our relationship, neither would you.

And because you all shared your 'bottom line', it's only fair I share mine.
Cheating.
I always said I would leave immediately. No second thought. If this has taught me anything, it's never to set a bottom line. Because nothing is black and white, no, just a huge overwhelming spectrum of grey.

Sabine
xx

P.S. Theluckylife, I can't see your email address...please send xx

So...

Thanks for your comments. I read them with huge, huge gratitude. I know I'm being cryptic but I just can't share the full story yet.

So I will give a hypothetical - I hope you don't mind and please bare with me.
Of course, it's not the real story and I can't go into full detail, but the principles are similar.
I am lost, lost, lost.
Drowning.

I need opinions based on more information.

The thing that spoke to me most from your comments was the trust thing. And there is good reason for this. What if my bottom line was blurred by extenuating circumstances?

Let's say the story goes like this.

Your partner has an addiction. It could be to anything. Drugs, sex, alcohol, gambling, pornography, anything. The addiction isn't the point. It's what the addiction leads to. Lying, cheating, infidelity, debt, one or more of these things. As a result, trust is not just broken - it's obliterated. Let's say you found out your partner was a whole different person with a whole different life. And you never knew.

Let's say your partner admitted the problem. Wants help. Is desperate. Lost. Scared. Broken. Rock bottom. Tired of lying to everyone and themselves too. Makes every effort to get help, to make a change, to open up to you. You have lost everything. Everything. But there is still love. There is a child. And there is a real commitment to change.

But. He will always be an addict. The problem will never, ever, ever go away, simply managed. The damage already caused is so extreme, it seems insurmountable.

Would you try then? Would you stay?

And what if the reason for the addiction was so heinous, so unimaginable. A childhood beyond belief. Abuse. Abandonment. Lack of love. Instability. A lifetime of hurt. You feel sorry for that person. You feel sorry for the innocent child they were. But you feel scared for the person they have become.

Would you try then? Would you stay?

I know this isn't an eloquently put post. It's difficult to write it like this without full disclosure, trying to skirt around issues false or not.
Maybe one day when I am stronger I can speak about this openly.

In the meantime...please, what do you think you would do?

Sabine
xxx

What is your 'bottom line'

Random post.

But wondering...

What is your bottom line? In terms of ending a marriage. I know, not a nice thing to think about, but I always used to think I would know mine - no areas of grey - and now I'm at a crossroads.

I.e. Under what circumstances would you definitely leave your husband without a second thought.

If he was abusive? Mentally, physically or sexually.
If he was dishonest? Big lies, not small ones.
If he cheated on you?
If he had an addiction which was out of control?
If he was a thief?
If he was a criminal?

What if there was a good reason for his behaviour? Past trauma, mental illness, abuse etc.
What if you thought he could change? And he wants to change.
What if you still love each other?
What if you have children together?

Disclaimer: I'm not saying any or all of these have happened to us, but I was just wondering, what makes a marriage end?
What is your bottom line?

Sabine

P.S. How sad that just 10 months after having a baby together this is the type of post I would be writing.
Never in a million years did I see this coming, really.

Biting

Thanks for the words of support on my last post. We are trying to work things out and getting some outside help too, but it's not good at the moment. An understatement perhaps.
Last week I really thought it was over and I was going to become a single parent. This week I'm hoping we can work it out, but really my feelings change from hour to hour, from day to day. Exhausting.

On another note, I just came from a good friend's house. She and another friend have 2 year olds both of whom are a bit wild lately, and I know another friend won't take her child there to play anymore. The one bit C very hard on the hand (its bruised and indented but no blood drawn) and the other pulled her hair.
Poor C who is the happiest, smiliest baby cried most of the time we were there and poor thing didn't know what hit her!

So I was wondering....

• What would you do in that situation? How would you react?
• And (just in case for the future) if your child was the one doing the bullying, what would you do?

In this situation, I swiftly removed C and comforted her but those kids move fast! I wasn't far from her and I still couldn't stop it :( And, I held onto her after that and didn't stay long.
And the respective parents - the one put the child in time out and then made him apologise to C (which he did with a self satisfied smile) and the other said something like 'we don't pull hair' and left it at that.

Very interested to hear your opinions on this one!

Hope you are all well.
Sabine
xx

It all falls apart

Well. I never thought I would be the one to write a post like this.

Unfortunately, this isn't the 'I can't be bothered to update my blog anymore' post.
This isn't the 'I've lost interest in blogging because I'm just too busy/too tired/too happy'
How I wish it was.

No.

This is the 'my marriage is falling apart' and 'I'm struggling to keep my head above water' post.

I never thought it would happen to me, but it did. The level of betrayal, deceit, anguish and mourning are all too much to bear.

I'm not sure why I'm writing about it here. This isn't 'new baby stress'. This is a fucking catastrophe. An earthquake. A damn end of the world.

Now it's out there. I wish that helped.

P.S My baby is beautiful, gorgeous, healthy and for that I thank g-d. She makes my life worth living every single day. 

Perspective

Wow, thank you for the comments on my last post, it really helped me to gain some perspective. Mash, your comment was so well written and just made so much sense, and also made me feel incredibly sad that I'm actually not there to support her. I tell her all the time I'm here for her etc - I just hope she knows that.
Obviously, I know it's related to her being devastated and in mourning, and I also know it seemed out of character etc. Perhaps I need to put my own feelings aside for now and just give her support where she needs it. I'm the type of person that finds it hard to ignore my own hurt feelings so this will be a new one for me. I guess the reason is that she still sends me photos of my niece all the time and expects me to respond with lovely comments, and asks for pics of C, so I was taken aback with the responses. I promise it's not just that I sent photos willy-nilly.

Now, I feel like I don't want to put C or my feelings in the firing line, when I'm also sure she doesn't  intend to be mean, but I don't want her to suddenly wonder why I'm not sending pics when she asks either....
I just don't like the anxious feeling of waiting for a mean response etc. (Those 2 examples are not the only ones, unfortunately)

Tough one.

Secondly, thanks for the tips on sleeping! Will try them out.
Oh, how depressing when you lie awake when your baby is sleeping!

C has started to practice 'shouting' and has really found her voice. She has this high pitched shriek - it is hilarious and she has a huge grin when she does it...I'm sure the neighbours think something dodgy  is going on around here!
Oh, and it's supposed to be summer round here, but it's been raining every single day and grey skies!! (know you would love it Marcia) But I have no idea what to do with poor C, stuck indoors or in shopping malls all day!

Hope you all have a lovely day!
~Sabine~

Insomnia, Family and Feeling Sensitive

Very random title I know...
My brain is mush.

So, despite C sleeping beautifully through the night (mostly!) I find myself unable to fall asleep. It's crazy, I'm so exhausted. I've tried counting sheep, counting backwards from 100, breathing, herbal sleeping pills, pilates - what gives? Any great suggestions for me? I do have a lot on my mind but nothing pressing and no specific reason for not being able to sleep. And if she wakes up for the dummy, I can't get back to sleep again! It's almost like I am anticipating her waking up again and I just can't doze off.

I am so grateful to say C is doing so well with solids and is doing great in general! I am so in love with her! She rolls all over the place, scoots on her tummy to get what she wants and sits beautifully. We are still waiting for some teeth as I think she's teething - chewing on everything and seems to have itchy gums! I can't believe my baby is already 6 and half months old!

My husband's sister and her husband and daughter came to visit us from Nairobi, Kenya. This was the first time meeting our niece, A, who is 2. She loved her cousin and kept wanting to check up on her after she went to bed. I was amazed at the difference a short year and half can make - how she communicated etc. How amazing, what a wonderful little girl. I can't wait for C to talk to me! To tell me what she wants etc. Incredible!
We also went off to Germany to visit with the in-laws. C was great on the plane again and does really well with travelling (thank goodness). We had an absolute blast and she enjoyed being spoilt by her grandparents, and they had a great time with her too!

My other sister in law in SA lost her mother to a brain clot very suddenly about a month ago. It came as a big shock to us all and I think she has really been struggling. Her daughter lost her granny at 6 months old :( ...devastating.
Now, she was ok with me at first, maybe a little more subdued than usual. We usually communicate a lot via b.lackberry m.essenger, send pics etc and I consider us close. However, in the last week, she has begun making a few nasty comments about C, which I just don't know what to do about. I understand she is in mourning etc and I'm willing to be patient with her but attacking my child I just can't believe. I feel so, so upset, and of course, I've said nothing and don't plan to. But how can I let go of this? I need some honest opinions - am I being over-sensitive here? I will attach the pics she responded to.

Example 1:
I sent a pic of C. Her hair has grown dramatically over the past month and is really long and curly on top. I sent just my usual update pic, I made no mention of hair myself to prompt any reactions. I actually sent it to show her first time sitting in a 'highchair' at a restaurant! Her response to the photo:
"Her hair is hysterical. She looks like a crazy artist."
I brushed it off, but then I became a bit paranoid about her hair. Maybe it looks bad etc? Not a nice feeling.

Example 2:
I take C swimming once a week which she loves! I sent a pic of her in her swimming costume which is really frilly.
Her response:
"She looks like a lampshade."
She put a heart after, as if that makes it a nicer thing to say.

I am so hurt. I would NEVER say anything like that to her about her daughter (my niece) and it strikes me as very odd that she would all of a sudden.
What would you do in my situation? Say nothing? Confront it?
I obviously understand she is in a bad place right now so I'm trying to keep it in perspective, still I think it's a low blow to aim all this shit at my baby.
Opinions appreciated!

Hope you are all well. I am trying to keep up to date with everyone's blogs although I admit I have been absolutely shocking at commenting etc!! I will try to do better!!

Lots of love,
~Sabine~

Becoming a mother...

...has made me the strongest person on one hand
...and the biggest wuss on the other!

For example...

• I can do ANYTHING with just one hand (well, most things anyway!)
• I can do at least 3 things at once
• I can function on no sleep (kind of)

but...

• I can't watch adverts without crying (especially ones about children, it doesn't matter if they're happy or sad)
• I can no longer watch documentaries about 'unusual' people as all I can think of is - that's somebody's baby - and I can't bear the pain
• I fall to pieces when my baby has a fever (post immunisation - boo hoo)
• I cry from just having too much love for her
• I'm not proud to admit I usually kill spiders (they terrify me), but now I just can't - again, that's somebody's baby!

There is no point to this post. Just, I guess, what a rollercoaster ride this all is.
I have never been more exhausted, more exhilarated, more stressed, more in love.
Just too many emotions.

This parenting thing is so hard. And I can see as time goes on it just gets harder. I'm so scared and so excited. Sometimes I think, what have I got myself in for, and then in the same second, I can't wait to do it all again.

~Sabine~

In a couple of days...

...C will be 5 months old.

Which means 2 things:
1) Time is clearly moving at hyperspeed
2) I have been a very crap blogger. Shame on me.

So, if anyone is still reading (and I don't blame you if you've given up on me, though I'll be very sad)...

Our trip 'home' was exhausting but lovely. The flight etc, C handled brilliantly. Both there and back she slept the whole way (except for a bottle on the way up and down). So many clearly relieved passengers commented on how 'good' she is. My g-d, she even smiled at this reeeeaaally CREEPY dude with big false white teeth and greasy long hair who looked like he hadn't had a shower in two weeks! Hilarious, but not.

She absolutely adored her cousin, and they 'talked', squealed and all the rest the moment they laid eyes on each other.
And it was amazing how everyone loved and fussed over her. Those who live close to your family, never take this for granted no matter how annoying your family can be!! That unconditional love is irreplaceable. When we left, it was heartbreaking for me to take her from everyone.
We also had our second first Mothers' day this year - you read that right - they're on different days in England and South Africa so we got to celebrate twice this year!

And in honour of Kate and Will's Royal wedding:


My husband left about 10 days before we did as he needed to get back to work, and I'll tell you - never again. Firstly, I have newfound respect for single mothers - how, how, how on earth do you do it?! Nevermind the 11 hour flight home alone with her!
Secondly, C is completely attached to her dad and I won't separate them again if I can help it. She didn't do her usual talking etc the whole time he was gone. Heartbreaking. When we got back and she saw him, she made noises I'd never heard her make before. And this was her face:


Since we got back, we started weaning and so far she's had homemade apple, pear, sweet potato, butternut, carrots, avo and baby rice of course.
Her favourite is pear. She can't get it in her mouth fast enough and doesn't waste a drop.
Her worst is sweet potato. I tried to trick her by adding pear to it....She was like, 'who are you kidding, mom' and clamped her mouth shut!

She also had some allergy tests done and was found to have a cow's milk protein allergy, so she's on new formula (£30 for a 400g tin!), which thank g-d the NHS pays for. So I guess that's one measly advantage of living in England ;)

She started to roll over front to back and vice versa, and can sit for a bit unaided.
Her full head of dark hair she was born with has all but fallen out, leaving her blonde, and her hair on top is very, very long! In fact, she has a couple of dreads at the back of her head. I cut one out and then another few grew in it's place so I'm leaving well alone!!
She loves her dummy and her thumb and has a taglet 'doodoo' blankie that she sleeps with every night.

She amazes me every day.

I love how she wraps her little arms around me and how she smiles and coos when I go get her from her cot.

I love how she loves the bath and splashes and kicks like a wild thing! In fact, I've started taking her to swimming lessons which she absolutely adores. She is the smallest in the class!

My hubby and I finally gave 'it' a go. Sorry, TMI. And I was most relieved to find out it still works!! ;) Seriously though, I was really stressing about it. I didn't have any pain, and he said it feels the same as before. Maybe he's lying, but I'll choose to believe him for now.

I have been catching up on your blogs since I came back, but 4 weeks is a lot to catch up on, so I'll get back into commenting soon I hope!

Lots of love to you all

~Sabine~

First flight

Tomorrow we leave for Cape Town. Our first travel and flight with C, and it's a 12 hour flight!
I haven't even finished packing...I totally underestimated the work that goes into packing for travel with a baby!
I'm usually super organised, but once we got her blood results back, I booked the flight for the following week - not nearly enough time to prepare!

I am very excited to introduce her to her cousin (5 weeks apart in age) and the rest of the family.
A few things make me nervous though...

Will she be ok on the plane?
Will she be unsettled by the new surroundings?
How do I stop everyone from overwhelming her? She isn't very used to crowds because of her illness and isolation for 6 weeks.

Have any of you guys travelled with your kids (near or far)? Any advice or tips?

Thanks!

~Sabine~

Finally!

Results came back great..!
The neutropenia has completely resolved itself! Great news for us, but not such great news for baby as she had to get her first set of immunisations yesterday. Wow, it was awful!
We don't have the results back which explain why she had the neutropenia, but at this stage, it doesn't matter - she is perfectly healthy and I am eternally grateful.
On another note, we suspect she may have a cow's milk protein allergy and she started last week on a new formula. What a difference already. Only sorry I didn't change it sooner.
The new formula costs £13 per 400g tin. So far, 1 tin is lasting 3 days. Her old formula cost £9 for 900g and was lasting a week. This is where, for once, the NHS has been amazing. This formula is prescribed - and children under the age of 16 don't pay for medication....so it's free!
This is a huge relief, money is a real struggle at the moment, and my maternity pay ends soon.

All my friends with similar aged babies have already started planning their return to work and have been looking at nurseries and putting their kids on the waiting list. I have done nothing! I'm not sure what to do..
My salary will cover nursery and leave me an extra maybe £100 per month? Is that worth it? I don't think so. I just think it's too soon to put baby in nursery. I don't have any family here to help me out either.

What have you all done/planning to do after you have/had your babies??

I LOVE being C's mother. She sleeps through the night despite my complete lack of 'routine' (I follow her - when she's tired, she sleeps, when she's hungry, I feed her). She sleeps from between 8-9pm until 7am every night. No dummy runs. Completely uninterrupted sleep. I find the more sleep I get at night, the more tired I am in the day...
She has started to laugh and it melts my heart every time.
It amazes me how much she changes every day and that she learns something new every day too.
She just amazes me in general. I am so lucky and blessed.


~Sabine~

Waiting

After some horrible, awful, heart-wrenching blood tests a couple of weeks ago - 6 big vials from a 10 week old - seriously?!, we wait for results. They are doing some genetic tests, so myself and my husband gave blood too, and this will take a while. So we wait.

We haven't been able to do 'normal' things. Can't see friends with children. No malls. No restaurants. No shops. No crowded places.
Cabin fever has taken on a whole new meaning. C has also not had any of her immunisations.
Results in 8th of April.

C is 12 weeks old today. How did that happen? It's going way too fast, but I am loving every second. She is a great baby. A real joy. She smiles and laughs and coos all the time. She also sleeps solidly most nights from around 8.30pm - 6.30am which is absolutely amazing. I love her so much, it hurts.

And as if we don't have enough on our plates, we are also trying to decide what to do with the rest of our lives. We just feel we really need the support of family. Life in London is tough enough generally, but with a baby it's very isolating, especially if you have no support of family. We are in the process of selling our flat, so we need to decide very fast, but I am having sleepless nights, going backwards and forwards, not knowing what to do.
We have lived in London for 10 years, our entire adult lives have been here... How will we cope going back to South Africa and starting again? It's such a tough decision, and I'm finding it impossible to make.
I have a huge fear of change at the best of times and I am not a risk taker, but my heart says South Africa despite it all.

~Sabine~

Neutropenia

A word I'd never heard till a month ago.

Remember I told you I thought her colour looked ashen and they had prescribed antibiotics due to a low white blood cell count?

Unfortunately, the follow up blood tests showed the same.

Neutropenia.

We are on our way to see a Paediatric Haematologist this afternoon.
The ONLY result I am willing to accept is the theory that she had some kind of a virus and her body is just taking a little while to recover. This HAS to be a transient thing. I won't entertain any other options.

She is fine and beautiful and happy, and healthy.
I am beating myself up and blaming myself hourly.
This parenting thing is hard.

Please pray it's nothing. A glitch.

~Sabine~