After 3 weeks away (a little longer than expected due to a delayed flight and a strike), I'm back.
But not for long.
We are moving back to SA. For now, all of us.
We have talked about it and talked about it for years. Well, the time is now.
I can't live here anymore, isolated from my family. Especially now. Especially knowing my marriage may not make it past this year or the next. The last thing I want is to be stuck here, a single parent, never being able to go home again.
This is a very, very scary decision for me. I'm witless with terror. What has become of my life? I don't know how I got here.
Last night I had a nightmare. It was so vivid. In the nightmare, I had known things about my husband and what he's done for years that I had chosen to bury deep down and pretend they didn't happen. I was so cross with myself that I had forgotten what I knew.
When I woke up, I realised it was true.
I must be sicker than I thought, such was the level of my denial. As soon as I woke up, I literally began to become flooded with memories. Memories I had buried so deep that I forgot they existed. How scary is that??? How does that even happen?
So, I have a lot to deal with about myself too. And I have a lot of blame to shoulder. This was my choice.
Sabine
But not for long.
We are moving back to SA. For now, all of us.
We have talked about it and talked about it for years. Well, the time is now.
I can't live here anymore, isolated from my family. Especially now. Especially knowing my marriage may not make it past this year or the next. The last thing I want is to be stuck here, a single parent, never being able to go home again.
This is a very, very scary decision for me. I'm witless with terror. What has become of my life? I don't know how I got here.
Last night I had a nightmare. It was so vivid. In the nightmare, I had known things about my husband and what he's done for years that I had chosen to bury deep down and pretend they didn't happen. I was so cross with myself that I had forgotten what I knew.
When I woke up, I realised it was true.
I must be sicker than I thought, such was the level of my denial. As soon as I woke up, I literally began to become flooded with memories. Memories I had buried so deep that I forgot they existed. How scary is that??? How does that even happen?
So, I have a lot to deal with about myself too. And I have a lot of blame to shoulder. This was my choice.
Sabine
I know that thing about the memories coming flooding back. You kind of filed them into your mind in a certain way that suited you, and then you remember them in the new context of this situation and suddenly you realise you filed them incorrectly. I know it very, very well.
ReplyDeleteYou have your eyes more open right now than most people ever have during the entire duration of their marriage... So don't think that it was specifically YOUR mistake. People are making that mistake in their marriages every single day.
You never, ever know someone, even after 50 years of being married. You just think you do. You find a common ground on which to build a life together ;-)
Great to have you come back home and you're right you need your family right now! Good luck with transition and I wish you all the best! Please keep us up to speed on how you're doing.
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing how we can lock memories away...seems to me you've tapped into your subconcious and it was time to let those memories out.
Lots of love
K
*hugs* we've been through it too. Years ago. It's so hard but there IS forgiveness, and resolution, and it is possible that all of this STOPS. Hang in there. It may seem dark now but the sun will come out again as long as you let it.
ReplyDeleteAsk him as many questions as possible, even if you don't think you want to know, you do, and in time it will feel better to know that you know EVERYTHING and there is nothing else hiding.
Good luck with the move, I'm glad you will have family support soon. *hugs hugs hugs*