A break from doom and gloom*

*inspired by Marcia :) Hope you don't mind me linking to you?

Just watched the cutest video of her gorgeous kids and it reminded me of a video of baby C from a couple of months ago which just makes me laugh. Hope it has the same effect on you.
Things are pretty tough at home. I'm the saddest I think I've ever been. I thank g-d for C every day. It's solely because of her that I get up, get dressed and laugh every day. She is at such a cute age and is very funny and strong willed. She is also very independent and if I take her to a party or a playgroup, she is off and playing without so much as a backwards glance.
She says: mama, dada, baba, up and if I sing or hum, she sings along with me every time. So sweet.
I just cannot believe she will be 1 year old in less than a month.
Hope you are all well and gearing up for the holiday season!

(removed)

p.s. Please excuse her hair - she'd just pulled her ponytail out a few minutes before :)

Back

After 3 weeks away (a little longer than expected due to a delayed flight and a strike), I'm back.
But not for long.
We are moving back to SA. For now, all of us.
We have talked about it and talked about it for years. Well, the time is now.

I can't live here anymore, isolated from my family. Especially now. Especially knowing my marriage may not make it past this year or the next. The last thing I want is to be stuck here, a single parent, never being able to go home again.

This is a very, very scary decision for me. I'm witless with terror. What has become of my life? I don't know how I got here.

Last night I had a nightmare. It was so vivid. In the nightmare, I had known things about my husband and what he's done for years that I had chosen to bury deep down and pretend they didn't happen. I was so cross with myself that I had forgotten what I knew.

When I woke up, I realised it was true.

I must be sicker than I thought, such was the level of my denial. As soon as I woke up, I literally began to become flooded with memories. Memories I had buried so deep that I forgot they existed. How scary is that??? How does that even happen?

So, I have a lot to deal with about myself too. And I have a lot of blame to shoulder. This was my choice.

Sabine

Running away

I really appreciate all your comments, so thank you very much for taking the time to write them.

I've decided I need space and time to think, so I'm running away back home and taking C with me. We leave tomorrow (!)
I still haven't packed, and I dread to think of the 11.5 hour flight ahead of me with a very inquisitive and restless 10 month old, but right now it seems the least of my problems.

I don't know how I'm going to make a decision. I really don't.
Part of me thinks if I wanted to give up I'd already be gone, but then I remember my plan of not making any hasty decisions, for C's sake.

I know time is supposed to heal everything, but to be honest, as time goes on the worse I feel. I think this is because whatever ounce of denial I had is fast disappearing, like being yanked out of a dream world and into reality. And also, the more I think about it, the more the enormity of the situation sinks in. It is a very, very scary place to be. Never in a million years did I think I would ever be in this situation. If you knew my husband and our relationship, neither would you.

And because you all shared your 'bottom line', it's only fair I share mine.
Cheating.
I always said I would leave immediately. No second thought. If this has taught me anything, it's never to set a bottom line. Because nothing is black and white, no, just a huge overwhelming spectrum of grey.

Sabine
xx

P.S. Theluckylife, I can't see your email address...please send xx

So...

Thanks for your comments. I read them with huge, huge gratitude. I know I'm being cryptic but I just can't share the full story yet.

So I will give a hypothetical - I hope you don't mind and please bare with me.
Of course, it's not the real story and I can't go into full detail, but the principles are similar.
I am lost, lost, lost.
Drowning.

I need opinions based on more information.

The thing that spoke to me most from your comments was the trust thing. And there is good reason for this. What if my bottom line was blurred by extenuating circumstances?

Let's say the story goes like this.

Your partner has an addiction. It could be to anything. Drugs, sex, alcohol, gambling, pornography, anything. The addiction isn't the point. It's what the addiction leads to. Lying, cheating, infidelity, debt, one or more of these things. As a result, trust is not just broken - it's obliterated. Let's say you found out your partner was a whole different person with a whole different life. And you never knew.

Let's say your partner admitted the problem. Wants help. Is desperate. Lost. Scared. Broken. Rock bottom. Tired of lying to everyone and themselves too. Makes every effort to get help, to make a change, to open up to you. You have lost everything. Everything. But there is still love. There is a child. And there is a real commitment to change.

But. He will always be an addict. The problem will never, ever, ever go away, simply managed. The damage already caused is so extreme, it seems insurmountable.

Would you try then? Would you stay?

And what if the reason for the addiction was so heinous, so unimaginable. A childhood beyond belief. Abuse. Abandonment. Lack of love. Instability. A lifetime of hurt. You feel sorry for that person. You feel sorry for the innocent child they were. But you feel scared for the person they have become.

Would you try then? Would you stay?

I know this isn't an eloquently put post. It's difficult to write it like this without full disclosure, trying to skirt around issues false or not.
Maybe one day when I am stronger I can speak about this openly.

In the meantime...please, what do you think you would do?

Sabine
xxx

What is your 'bottom line'

Random post.

But wondering...

What is your bottom line? In terms of ending a marriage. I know, not a nice thing to think about, but I always used to think I would know mine - no areas of grey - and now I'm at a crossroads.

I.e. Under what circumstances would you definitely leave your husband without a second thought.

If he was abusive? Mentally, physically or sexually.
If he was dishonest? Big lies, not small ones.
If he cheated on you?
If he had an addiction which was out of control?
If he was a thief?
If he was a criminal?

What if there was a good reason for his behaviour? Past trauma, mental illness, abuse etc.
What if you thought he could change? And he wants to change.
What if you still love each other?
What if you have children together?

Disclaimer: I'm not saying any or all of these have happened to us, but I was just wondering, what makes a marriage end?
What is your bottom line?

Sabine

P.S. How sad that just 10 months after having a baby together this is the type of post I would be writing.
Never in a million years did I see this coming, really.

Biting

Thanks for the words of support on my last post. We are trying to work things out and getting some outside help too, but it's not good at the moment. An understatement perhaps.
Last week I really thought it was over and I was going to become a single parent. This week I'm hoping we can work it out, but really my feelings change from hour to hour, from day to day. Exhausting.

On another note, I just came from a good friend's house. She and another friend have 2 year olds both of whom are a bit wild lately, and I know another friend won't take her child there to play anymore. The one bit C very hard on the hand (its bruised and indented but no blood drawn) and the other pulled her hair.
Poor C who is the happiest, smiliest baby cried most of the time we were there and poor thing didn't know what hit her!

So I was wondering....

• What would you do in that situation? How would you react?
• And (just in case for the future) if your child was the one doing the bullying, what would you do?

In this situation, I swiftly removed C and comforted her but those kids move fast! I wasn't far from her and I still couldn't stop it :( And, I held onto her after that and didn't stay long.
And the respective parents - the one put the child in time out and then made him apologise to C (which he did with a self satisfied smile) and the other said something like 'we don't pull hair' and left it at that.

Very interested to hear your opinions on this one!

Hope you are all well.
Sabine
xx

It all falls apart

Well. I never thought I would be the one to write a post like this.

Unfortunately, this isn't the 'I can't be bothered to update my blog anymore' post.
This isn't the 'I've lost interest in blogging because I'm just too busy/too tired/too happy'
How I wish it was.

No.

This is the 'my marriage is falling apart' and 'I'm struggling to keep my head above water' post.

I never thought it would happen to me, but it did. The level of betrayal, deceit, anguish and mourning are all too much to bear.

I'm not sure why I'm writing about it here. This isn't 'new baby stress'. This is a fucking catastrophe. An earthquake. A damn end of the world.

Now it's out there. I wish that helped.

P.S My baby is beautiful, gorgeous, healthy and for that I thank g-d. She makes my life worth living every single day. 

Perspective

Wow, thank you for the comments on my last post, it really helped me to gain some perspective. Mash, your comment was so well written and just made so much sense, and also made me feel incredibly sad that I'm actually not there to support her. I tell her all the time I'm here for her etc - I just hope she knows that.
Obviously, I know it's related to her being devastated and in mourning, and I also know it seemed out of character etc. Perhaps I need to put my own feelings aside for now and just give her support where she needs it. I'm the type of person that finds it hard to ignore my own hurt feelings so this will be a new one for me. I guess the reason is that she still sends me photos of my niece all the time and expects me to respond with lovely comments, and asks for pics of C, so I was taken aback with the responses. I promise it's not just that I sent photos willy-nilly.

Now, I feel like I don't want to put C or my feelings in the firing line, when I'm also sure she doesn't  intend to be mean, but I don't want her to suddenly wonder why I'm not sending pics when she asks either....
I just don't like the anxious feeling of waiting for a mean response etc. (Those 2 examples are not the only ones, unfortunately)

Tough one.

Secondly, thanks for the tips on sleeping! Will try them out.
Oh, how depressing when you lie awake when your baby is sleeping!

C has started to practice 'shouting' and has really found her voice. She has this high pitched shriek - it is hilarious and she has a huge grin when she does it...I'm sure the neighbours think something dodgy  is going on around here!
Oh, and it's supposed to be summer round here, but it's been raining every single day and grey skies!! (know you would love it Marcia) But I have no idea what to do with poor C, stuck indoors or in shopping malls all day!

Hope you all have a lovely day!
~Sabine~

Insomnia, Family and Feeling Sensitive

Very random title I know...
My brain is mush.

So, despite C sleeping beautifully through the night (mostly!) I find myself unable to fall asleep. It's crazy, I'm so exhausted. I've tried counting sheep, counting backwards from 100, breathing, herbal sleeping pills, pilates - what gives? Any great suggestions for me? I do have a lot on my mind but nothing pressing and no specific reason for not being able to sleep. And if she wakes up for the dummy, I can't get back to sleep again! It's almost like I am anticipating her waking up again and I just can't doze off.

I am so grateful to say C is doing so well with solids and is doing great in general! I am so in love with her! She rolls all over the place, scoots on her tummy to get what she wants and sits beautifully. We are still waiting for some teeth as I think she's teething - chewing on everything and seems to have itchy gums! I can't believe my baby is already 6 and half months old!

My husband's sister and her husband and daughter came to visit us from Nairobi, Kenya. This was the first time meeting our niece, A, who is 2. She loved her cousin and kept wanting to check up on her after she went to bed. I was amazed at the difference a short year and half can make - how she communicated etc. How amazing, what a wonderful little girl. I can't wait for C to talk to me! To tell me what she wants etc. Incredible!
We also went off to Germany to visit with the in-laws. C was great on the plane again and does really well with travelling (thank goodness). We had an absolute blast and she enjoyed being spoilt by her grandparents, and they had a great time with her too!

My other sister in law in SA lost her mother to a brain clot very suddenly about a month ago. It came as a big shock to us all and I think she has really been struggling. Her daughter lost her granny at 6 months old :( ...devastating.
Now, she was ok with me at first, maybe a little more subdued than usual. We usually communicate a lot via b.lackberry m.essenger, send pics etc and I consider us close. However, in the last week, she has begun making a few nasty comments about C, which I just don't know what to do about. I understand she is in mourning etc and I'm willing to be patient with her but attacking my child I just can't believe. I feel so, so upset, and of course, I've said nothing and don't plan to. But how can I let go of this? I need some honest opinions - am I being over-sensitive here? I will attach the pics she responded to.

Example 1:
I sent a pic of C. Her hair has grown dramatically over the past month and is really long and curly on top. I sent just my usual update pic, I made no mention of hair myself to prompt any reactions. I actually sent it to show her first time sitting in a 'highchair' at a restaurant! Her response to the photo:
"Her hair is hysterical. She looks like a crazy artist."
I brushed it off, but then I became a bit paranoid about her hair. Maybe it looks bad etc? Not a nice feeling.

Example 2:
I take C swimming once a week which she loves! I sent a pic of her in her swimming costume which is really frilly.
Her response:
"She looks like a lampshade."
She put a heart after, as if that makes it a nicer thing to say.

I am so hurt. I would NEVER say anything like that to her about her daughter (my niece) and it strikes me as very odd that she would all of a sudden.
What would you do in my situation? Say nothing? Confront it?
I obviously understand she is in a bad place right now so I'm trying to keep it in perspective, still I think it's a low blow to aim all this shit at my baby.
Opinions appreciated!

Hope you are all well. I am trying to keep up to date with everyone's blogs although I admit I have been absolutely shocking at commenting etc!! I will try to do better!!

Lots of love,
~Sabine~

Becoming a mother...

...has made me the strongest person on one hand
...and the biggest wuss on the other!

For example...

• I can do ANYTHING with just one hand (well, most things anyway!)
• I can do at least 3 things at once
• I can function on no sleep (kind of)

but...

• I can't watch adverts without crying (especially ones about children, it doesn't matter if they're happy or sad)
• I can no longer watch documentaries about 'unusual' people as all I can think of is - that's somebody's baby - and I can't bear the pain
• I fall to pieces when my baby has a fever (post immunisation - boo hoo)
• I cry from just having too much love for her
• I'm not proud to admit I usually kill spiders (they terrify me), but now I just can't - again, that's somebody's baby!

There is no point to this post. Just, I guess, what a rollercoaster ride this all is.
I have never been more exhausted, more exhilarated, more stressed, more in love.
Just too many emotions.

This parenting thing is so hard. And I can see as time goes on it just gets harder. I'm so scared and so excited. Sometimes I think, what have I got myself in for, and then in the same second, I can't wait to do it all again.

~Sabine~

In a couple of days...

...C will be 5 months old.

Which means 2 things:
1) Time is clearly moving at hyperspeed
2) I have been a very crap blogger. Shame on me.

So, if anyone is still reading (and I don't blame you if you've given up on me, though I'll be very sad)...

Our trip 'home' was exhausting but lovely. The flight etc, C handled brilliantly. Both there and back she slept the whole way (except for a bottle on the way up and down). So many clearly relieved passengers commented on how 'good' she is. My g-d, she even smiled at this reeeeaaally CREEPY dude with big false white teeth and greasy long hair who looked like he hadn't had a shower in two weeks! Hilarious, but not.

She absolutely adored her cousin, and they 'talked', squealed and all the rest the moment they laid eyes on each other.
And it was amazing how everyone loved and fussed over her. Those who live close to your family, never take this for granted no matter how annoying your family can be!! That unconditional love is irreplaceable. When we left, it was heartbreaking for me to take her from everyone.
We also had our second first Mothers' day this year - you read that right - they're on different days in England and South Africa so we got to celebrate twice this year!

And in honour of Kate and Will's Royal wedding:


My husband left about 10 days before we did as he needed to get back to work, and I'll tell you - never again. Firstly, I have newfound respect for single mothers - how, how, how on earth do you do it?! Nevermind the 11 hour flight home alone with her!
Secondly, C is completely attached to her dad and I won't separate them again if I can help it. She didn't do her usual talking etc the whole time he was gone. Heartbreaking. When we got back and she saw him, she made noises I'd never heard her make before. And this was her face:


Since we got back, we started weaning and so far she's had homemade apple, pear, sweet potato, butternut, carrots, avo and baby rice of course.
Her favourite is pear. She can't get it in her mouth fast enough and doesn't waste a drop.
Her worst is sweet potato. I tried to trick her by adding pear to it....She was like, 'who are you kidding, mom' and clamped her mouth shut!

She also had some allergy tests done and was found to have a cow's milk protein allergy, so she's on new formula (£30 for a 400g tin!), which thank g-d the NHS pays for. So I guess that's one measly advantage of living in England ;)

She started to roll over front to back and vice versa, and can sit for a bit unaided.
Her full head of dark hair she was born with has all but fallen out, leaving her blonde, and her hair on top is very, very long! In fact, she has a couple of dreads at the back of her head. I cut one out and then another few grew in it's place so I'm leaving well alone!!
She loves her dummy and her thumb and has a taglet 'doodoo' blankie that she sleeps with every night.

She amazes me every day.

I love how she wraps her little arms around me and how she smiles and coos when I go get her from her cot.

I love how she loves the bath and splashes and kicks like a wild thing! In fact, I've started taking her to swimming lessons which she absolutely adores. She is the smallest in the class!

My hubby and I finally gave 'it' a go. Sorry, TMI. And I was most relieved to find out it still works!! ;) Seriously though, I was really stressing about it. I didn't have any pain, and he said it feels the same as before. Maybe he's lying, but I'll choose to believe him for now.

I have been catching up on your blogs since I came back, but 4 weeks is a lot to catch up on, so I'll get back into commenting soon I hope!

Lots of love to you all

~Sabine~

First flight

Tomorrow we leave for Cape Town. Our first travel and flight with C, and it's a 12 hour flight!
I haven't even finished packing...I totally underestimated the work that goes into packing for travel with a baby!
I'm usually super organised, but once we got her blood results back, I booked the flight for the following week - not nearly enough time to prepare!

I am very excited to introduce her to her cousin (5 weeks apart in age) and the rest of the family.
A few things make me nervous though...

Will she be ok on the plane?
Will she be unsettled by the new surroundings?
How do I stop everyone from overwhelming her? She isn't very used to crowds because of her illness and isolation for 6 weeks.

Have any of you guys travelled with your kids (near or far)? Any advice or tips?

Thanks!

~Sabine~

Finally!

Results came back great..!
The neutropenia has completely resolved itself! Great news for us, but not such great news for baby as she had to get her first set of immunisations yesterday. Wow, it was awful!
We don't have the results back which explain why she had the neutropenia, but at this stage, it doesn't matter - she is perfectly healthy and I am eternally grateful.
On another note, we suspect she may have a cow's milk protein allergy and she started last week on a new formula. What a difference already. Only sorry I didn't change it sooner.
The new formula costs £13 per 400g tin. So far, 1 tin is lasting 3 days. Her old formula cost £9 for 900g and was lasting a week. This is where, for once, the NHS has been amazing. This formula is prescribed - and children under the age of 16 don't pay for medication....so it's free!
This is a huge relief, money is a real struggle at the moment, and my maternity pay ends soon.

All my friends with similar aged babies have already started planning their return to work and have been looking at nurseries and putting their kids on the waiting list. I have done nothing! I'm not sure what to do..
My salary will cover nursery and leave me an extra maybe £100 per month? Is that worth it? I don't think so. I just think it's too soon to put baby in nursery. I don't have any family here to help me out either.

What have you all done/planning to do after you have/had your babies??

I LOVE being C's mother. She sleeps through the night despite my complete lack of 'routine' (I follow her - when she's tired, she sleeps, when she's hungry, I feed her). She sleeps from between 8-9pm until 7am every night. No dummy runs. Completely uninterrupted sleep. I find the more sleep I get at night, the more tired I am in the day...
She has started to laugh and it melts my heart every time.
It amazes me how much she changes every day and that she learns something new every day too.
She just amazes me in general. I am so lucky and blessed.


~Sabine~

Waiting

After some horrible, awful, heart-wrenching blood tests a couple of weeks ago - 6 big vials from a 10 week old - seriously?!, we wait for results. They are doing some genetic tests, so myself and my husband gave blood too, and this will take a while. So we wait.

We haven't been able to do 'normal' things. Can't see friends with children. No malls. No restaurants. No shops. No crowded places.
Cabin fever has taken on a whole new meaning. C has also not had any of her immunisations.
Results in 8th of April.

C is 12 weeks old today. How did that happen? It's going way too fast, but I am loving every second. She is a great baby. A real joy. She smiles and laughs and coos all the time. She also sleeps solidly most nights from around 8.30pm - 6.30am which is absolutely amazing. I love her so much, it hurts.

And as if we don't have enough on our plates, we are also trying to decide what to do with the rest of our lives. We just feel we really need the support of family. Life in London is tough enough generally, but with a baby it's very isolating, especially if you have no support of family. We are in the process of selling our flat, so we need to decide very fast, but I am having sleepless nights, going backwards and forwards, not knowing what to do.
We have lived in London for 10 years, our entire adult lives have been here... How will we cope going back to South Africa and starting again? It's such a tough decision, and I'm finding it impossible to make.
I have a huge fear of change at the best of times and I am not a risk taker, but my heart says South Africa despite it all.

~Sabine~

Neutropenia

A word I'd never heard till a month ago.

Remember I told you I thought her colour looked ashen and they had prescribed antibiotics due to a low white blood cell count?

Unfortunately, the follow up blood tests showed the same.

Neutropenia.

We are on our way to see a Paediatric Haematologist this afternoon.
The ONLY result I am willing to accept is the theory that she had some kind of a virus and her body is just taking a little while to recover. This HAS to be a transient thing. I won't entertain any other options.

She is fine and beautiful and happy, and healthy.
I am beating myself up and blaming myself hourly.
This parenting thing is hard.

Please pray it's nothing. A glitch.

~Sabine~

Birth Story - Part 3 (The aftermath)

It's been so long since I posted the first 2 parts and those are definitely the most 'interesting' bits so the rest I won't go too much into...

After C was born, my epidural already wearing off - I held her little naked body to my chest while they stitched me up (I could feel most of it, unfortunately, but I don't remember it at all - very weird). She stared at me, and immediately tried to breastfeed. After a while I was so exhausted I think I mostly dozed while my husband, mother and sister all held her. I'm so grateful that in those 5 hours she was never put in the hospital cot once :)

I showered (with major help from my sister) and then we waited to be transferred to the main ward.
By the time we got there it was almost 8pm and the end of hospital visiting hours, including my husband.
Suddenly I found myself alone with her in an empty ward. It was a very strange feeling. I mostly stared at her and I was so afraid to go to the bathroom and leave her there, so I went only once and I moved pretty fast for someone with a lot of pain and stitches ;)
I had no colostrum at all and C's blood sugar was low (they tested her at 11.15pm) and I swear I wanted to stab them every time they pricked her tiny heel and squeezed the blood out) so they put her straight on formula to regulate the levels. She was struggling to take anything and was choking on the bottle and so the paediatrician was called at 11.55pm and cited 'mucous' as the cause.
At some point in those hours, I changed her meconium poo nappy - what an experience! and I don't think I put her down once (besides for the toilet break). In all that time, not one person came to check on us and I remember being thankful that I had brought my own maternity pads.
They also lost my hospital notes, so I was basically non-existant at that point.

The night was a very tired blur. I still can't believe how they leave you alone to look after a newborn straight after a horrible delivery...
I remember I couldn't wait for my husband to be allowed to return the next morning at 10am.
The next morning, 6 Jan, the paed came and gave C a once over and they also checked her hearing (all perfect)
We were finally discharged at 8pm on the 6th of January. It was dark and freezing when we left the hospital and the drive home was so slow and cautious, but we got her home safely - the biggest joy of my life.

The next few weeks were a blur of exhaustion, infections, illnesses etc. The first few nights I lay awake thinking 'what the hell have I done' - the responsibility and exhaustion was overwhelming. I felt like I would never ever 'live' again. Definitely what I would call survival mode. I was quite tearful and also my breastmilk never came in so I had to continue with formula feeding. It was about day 5 when I went to the doctor because I realised something wasn't right with me and I was in too much pain. After a week of

antibiotics, I finally got a tiny little bit of breast milk, but it was already too late - she was over 2 weeks old and I couldn't get her to latch - she would scream and scream in frustration - and there wasn't enough to pump.
My husband took  5 days paternity leave after she was born, 4 of which he couldn't go near her because of the gastro bug he had and then went back to work. Living far away from family means I've been alone and that is not always easy.

A few weeks ago, despite there being nothing obviously wrong with her - I felt her colour looked off to me. I took her to the doctor and health visitor and they said she was fine. But my 'mommy instincts' niggled at me, she looked almost ashen to me, but everyone else said her colour looked fine? I took her straight away to the paediatrician who took blood from her on the basis of my concerns because she was not showing any signs of illness. Anyway, to cut a long story short, literally as we were stepping in to get her immunisations, the paed called and said DO NOT get those vaccines. Her results showed a very low count of white blood cells. They suspected an infection and she had a week's worth of antibiotics. Complete divine intervention that call came when it did! We took her on Saturday for a follow up blood test and will hopefully get the results this morning. Holding thumbs.

Other than that, this baby is unbelievable. I am in awe of her every day.
She recently started to sleep at night in stretches of 8-9 hours (sometimes waking once but not from hunger?), so I hope that continues. The sheer exhaustion and lack of sleep was something I was expecting, but could not imagine, if that makes sense? I have never been more tired but more in love.
Also, she smiles at me and my heart literally feels like it will burst. I have never known love like this before.

Birth Story - Part 2

04:32: They finally do an internal - I am only 3cm dilated. I want to die right then and there. I know I can't do this. I beg. Please, please, I need the epidural. I will do anything.  I have been begging for hours. They agree. I suspect to get me to shut up.

05:05: Epidural given after an eternity of reciting the possible risks and complications. If I wasn't already married, I would marry the epidural guy. He somehow manages to insert the epidural even though there is no break between my contractions. I need to keep very still and somehow, I do. The strength that took was the final straw. I was completely exhausted. Physically and emotionally.

It takes about 25-30 minutes for the epidural to kick in. And it's heaven. In that moment, the best thing that had ever happened to me. 

I could feel no more contractions, just the exhaustion from the vomiting, the searing pain in my bloodied hand, the 'bad trip' from the Pethidine that had still not worn off. It made my eyes roll to the back of my head. By this stage I had not slept in at least 24 hours already.

Despite being warned that the epidural would cause the labour to slow, I went from 3cm to 10cm dilated in just a few hours. I wait for the midwives to be less busy on the ward so that I can start to push. I am ready.

By around 12pm I was told to start pushing. At this point I'm told that they will allow me to push for no more than 1 hour and also that the baby's heart rate is dipping with each contraction. I start to feel the contractions and they agree to top up the epidural so long as I can push effectively with it. I can. I push far beyond each contraction, far beyond emptying my lungs. I push and push and push. My husband thinks I am going to pass out with each one. He says the blood drains completely from my face. I am unable to hold my leg up with the right hand because of the pain from the drip, so he holds it for me. He also asks for my mother to stay in the delivery room with us. He needs the support, I can see the fear and exhaustion in his eyes.

Midwives come in and go out. They introduce themselves. They ask for a student to be present. I don't care. I want the baby out. I don't recognise who is in the room. Just as I start to trust one, she leaves and sends in another. I should add that you are supposed to have one midwife help you throughout your labour. Two at the most if there's a change of shifts during your labour. I pushed for over 2.5 hours. In that time I had no less than 4 midwives, a student and a doctor.

I firmly believe that had I had continuity of care, they would never have let me push aimlessly for so long. Remember, they told me I would not be allowed to push for more than 1 hour, since I was fully dilated, baby was in the right position and I was pushing effectively.

The baby's heart rate was still dipping with each contraction and I could start to feel the contractions too, but they seemed unconcerned. And so I pushed and pushed and pushed. Keep going, they said, baby will be here soon. But she wasn't. At this point I had no idea how long I'd been pushing for. It could have been 5 minutes, it could have been an eternity. With every contraction the head was coming down, and then going back up as soon as it stopped. My mom told me later she knew something wasn't right and was silently begging them to bring a doctor.

Eventually, whichever midwife was there at that point admitted defeat and called a doctor. The doctor came in and examined me. There's no way baby is coming by herself - the cord is wrapped around her neck. Her hands are up by her face. They tell me they have to cut me and use the suction to get her out. I don't want them to. I'm terrified. By this stage I am so swollen down there from all the pushing, she says if she doesn't cut me, I will tear very badly. The epidural is wearing off, I beg for a top-up but it's too late. She cuts me, inserts the ventouse and I feel immense pressure.

I can feel the head passing through, the shoulders, the body. I hear an immediate cry and she is placed, bloody and swollen headed onto my chest. My DH and I howl with tears of happiness. I have never ever seen that man cry like that and I loved him in that moment more than ever, my husband, my partner, the father of my child.

At 14.28 and weighing 2.702kg, our daughter came out into the world with her eyes wide open and she stared at me like she was looking right into my soul.

Apgar at 1 minute was 9.

Apgar at 5 minutes was 10.

Perfect.

I held her while they stitched me up and I could feel everything. But nothing mattered. Only her. I drank her in. Nobody can describe the way they feel in that moment their child is born, and I'm no exception. It was beyond every expectation and the best moment of my life. My child! Healthy and perfect. A true miracle. She looked nothing like I imagined, and yet I couldn't imagine her any other way.

I lost half a litre of blood and they left us alone in that labour room for about 5 hours - nobody bothered to clean it. I also notice somebody else's open pot of urine left in the bathroom - there since before my labour started. I knew the hygiene level was not up to scratch then, and the infections I left with prove it.

Birth Story - Part 3 (The aftermath) to follow...


~Sabine~

Birth Story - Part 1

It all started with a phone call to the Labour ward at 8am on Tuesday 4th January 2010. They confirmed they had a bed for me and I should come in for induction at 8.30/9am.
DH went off to work as we expected the induction to take a long time and didn’t want to waste a day’s holiday off work. Myself, my mom and sister caught a cab to the hospital. We got there around 8.45am and waited around for an hour or so before they showed me to a bed.

They strapped me to a monitor which, surprise surprise showed that I was already having quite regular contractions – about 2-3 in 10 minutes. I could feel them, but they were not painful, just uncomfortable.

At about 11am, the midwife expressed concern that the place she was picking up the hearbeat on the monitor was too high, and wanted to request a scan to make sure baby was in the right position. It was later confirmed all was well, but without a scan.

In the meantime, DH came to meet me at the hospital for lunch (I ate hospital food and he brought a sandwich) and it was great to see him.
Since the labour ward was busy, they didn’t want to insert the pessary for induction until about 3pm. In that time, I read, chatted with my mom and sister and was mostly strapped to the monitor so couldn’t move too much.

The insertion of the pessary itself was quite painful, but once it was in, it was awful. Almost like when you insert a tampon incorrectly and it hurts! A couple of hours after the pessary was inserted, I started to contract for real, but very irregularly.

At about 6.15pm, my sister put the TENS machine on me. I found it didn't help at all and just annoyed me because I couldn't move without the pads becoming unstuck. Needless to say, the TENS machine didn't last more than a few hours. My husband came over straight after he finished work and had a bite to eat - around 7pm.

The rest is pretty much a blur, so I will write down as much as I can remember. Apologies if it's a bit of a  mish-mash of useless info.

21.55: Contractions 2-3 mins apart. Vomiting begins. I literally could not keep anything down. Including water. I vomited all over myself, husband, midwife, machinery. It was a little like the exorcist, only less entertaining. The midwife becomes annoyed with me, even refusing to change the bedsheets. DH to the rescue - finds new linen, changes the bed and me.

22.44: Hyper-contracting begins. Apparently a common side effect of the pessary. I beg for them to remove it. They are reluctant - they're afraid it will slow the labour, and g-d forbid I should take up a bed in the ward longer than strictly necessary. They give me Co-dydromal for pain. Of course, since I can't keep anything down, it's out before it's in.

23.15: Anti nausea injection given at request insistence of my husband. By this point I am vomiting every few minutes. I still haven't been moved to a labour room and I apologise to the 3 other women in my ward for the scene I'm causing. They tell me not to worry, and offer me water.

00.17: I beg the midwife to check how dilated I am - 2cm, and the internal examination hurts. (There was a LOT of begging that night).

Since I'm only 2cm dilated, they deny me the epidural despite my complete agony. I was literally hounding like a wounded animal at this point. There was no space between contractions. They bring me the Gas and Air. The unit is broken and I suck on the mouthpiece in vain.

02.10: My begging for them to remove the pessary is finally agreed. Hyper-contractions do not slow. They are intensifying. 

I'm given a Pethidine injection and another anti nausea injection. I'm still vomiting. The pethidine makes me very high. I can feel everything, only now I don't have the capacity to express myself. I'm essentially gagged. My sister later says it seemed like I was high - on a very, very bad trip.

03.07: Eventually I'm moved to labour ward. At my husband's insistence I am put on IV drip for fluids because I'm still vomiting and now severely dehydrated. The gas and air unit is replaced and it makes my mouth so dry. I suck the G&A, sip water, vomit. This goes on and on. I want ice, but there is none.
The drip is inserted incorrectly, blood everywhere, on me, in the tubes. I scream out in pain. This I remember as being more painful than the administering of the epidural and 6 weeks later, I still have the scar on my hand to remind me.
My DH and I are left in the room, we're told they won't check how dilated I am for at least another 4 hours and they won't give me an epidural until I'm 4cm dilated. I beg for it. Please, please, I need the epidural. I beg anyone who will listen. I can barely breathe between the one long contraction, the G&A, the vomiting, but I beg and I beg and I beg. The pain is beyond words. I don't believe I will get through this.
I remember thinking, why did nobody tell me how bad this is? How painful contractions are. And then I realised - because my friends had told me - but there are just no words to describe the pain.

04:10: My water breaks with a huge warm gush. It keeps coming and coming. It seems like a never-ending amount. I thank G-d. I know now they will have to check how dilated I am...

Part 2 tomorrow...

* I am able to record some of the times thanks to the messages sent from my husband to my sister to keep her updated throughout the labour.


~Sabine~

You know when...

...you haven't posted in a really long time, and then there just becomes too much to say, you become overwhelmed (not helped by perpetual lack of sleep) and so you just don't say anything at all?

Yes. Well.

I'm still in the process of writing my birth story. I don't really want to remember it, and it still fills me with dread to think about it too much. But I must write it down. For me. For C. And for the hospital complaints committee ;)
It will come shortly, I promise.

In the meantime, I can't seem to remember life BC (Before C).
She is a relatively easy baby, besides for being THE noisiest sleeper and THE slowest eater. This is a very bad combo when she wants to eat every 3 hours - she is my little alarm clock. So, picture this in the middle of the night. Noisily sleeping, waking to be fed, then spend an hour while she SIPS on her bottle, then change, finally get back to sleep, only to do it all again in 1.5-2 hours. Wash, rinse, repeat.
I would get annoyed but my heart actually physically melts when I see her. My little IVF miracle. The little embryo that could.

She is now almost 6 weeks old. She was 3.5kg when I took her to be weighed last week - small but perfect in every way and growing steadily. So much for gestational diabetes! I mourn for all the chocolates and icecream I could've eaten in my pregnancy.

My v.agina on the other hand is no heart melter. My botched episiotomy has mostly healed (6 weeks later) albeit not in the right way. So designer v.agina here I come.
On top of that, I picked up two not so lovely infections at the hospital. One pretty bad one attributed to unsterilised/dirty equipment. (Thank you Ventouse and the NHS).
I have so far spent more than £500 privately funding specialists and lab tests - a small price to pay I think when it comes to that area and where one's health is concerned.

But I digress.

Birth story to follow...

~Sabine~

Things I love

The way you look into my eyes and hold onto my hand when I feed you
The way you sigh and moan and make appreciative noises while you drink
How you love the bath, but cry bloody murder when I take you out
The dimple in your left cheek
The cleft in your chin
Your very inquisitive blue eyes
How strong you are - The fact you have been able to lift and turn your head since you were 3 days old
The way your Dad dotes on you


C, you are the light of my life. I am madly, totally, utterly in love with you.

I don't know how I got so very lucky. She was always meant to be in my life.

~Sabine~

P.S. Birth story to follow shortly
P.P.S. Antibiotics completed. Episiotomy to be checked again next week. Holding thumbs.