He's gone.
I don't even know where. He left this morning, and not on good terms.
I called my newly found therapist and went to see her straight away. She specialises in addiction and she is GREAT.
The realisations I've made in two sessions are more than in the past 8 months.
Just goes to show how important it is to go to the 'right' person, especially when it comes to this. Someone who really knows and understands the very complicated disease called addiction.
I also realise I have many unhealthy addictions of my own. I am co-dependent. To such a level that I have stayed in a situation which is not good or healthy for me. I have ignored myself and what I believe. I have compromised my value system. I also own up to some not very nice treatment of my husband over many years. In other words, I used my own lack of self worth to excuse my behaviour, live in denial and worst of all, project that all onto my husband. And as an excuse to tolerate escalating 'unacceptable behaviour'.
There's a lot of work to be done. A lot. And I'm so scared. I want to forgive and forget again. I want to go back into denial, accept the bad behaviour - just to have him near. Just so I don't have to be alone.
We spoke a lot about what's keeping me from facing up to the truth. Why I am trying to keep up a facade that everything is perfect, when it's so obviously not.
I don't know if any of this even makes sense but I have to get it out. So I will start here. Put the words on 'paper'. Have other people know my dirty little secret. I need to find me again. Not protect him, illusions, and an unhealthy relationship. I'm so afraid of judgment, the truth, the end result. Most of all, I am so, so, so ashamed.
I am Sabine. I am the co-dependant of a sex addict.
I don't even know where. He left this morning, and not on good terms.
I called my newly found therapist and went to see her straight away. She specialises in addiction and she is GREAT.
The realisations I've made in two sessions are more than in the past 8 months.
Just goes to show how important it is to go to the 'right' person, especially when it comes to this. Someone who really knows and understands the very complicated disease called addiction.
I also realise I have many unhealthy addictions of my own. I am co-dependent. To such a level that I have stayed in a situation which is not good or healthy for me. I have ignored myself and what I believe. I have compromised my value system. I also own up to some not very nice treatment of my husband over many years. In other words, I used my own lack of self worth to excuse my behaviour, live in denial and worst of all, project that all onto my husband. And as an excuse to tolerate escalating 'unacceptable behaviour'.
There's a lot of work to be done. A lot. And I'm so scared. I want to forgive and forget again. I want to go back into denial, accept the bad behaviour - just to have him near. Just so I don't have to be alone.
We spoke a lot about what's keeping me from facing up to the truth. Why I am trying to keep up a facade that everything is perfect, when it's so obviously not.
I don't know if any of this even makes sense but I have to get it out. So I will start here. Put the words on 'paper'. Have other people know my dirty little secret. I need to find me again. Not protect him, illusions, and an unhealthy relationship. I'm so afraid of judgment, the truth, the end result. Most of all, I am so, so, so ashamed.
I am Sabine. I am the co-dependant of a sex addict.
Oh hunny.
ReplyDeleteI think you are so very very brave!
And you have no reason, at all, to feel ashamed. We all make mistakes, we all need to face the realisation that we are not perfect. The big thing here is that you are no alone. You have your therapist and you have us.
Even though we have never met, you have my support! Even if its just knowing you have an ear that will listen.
(((huge hugs))))
Hi, I'm so sorry!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteCan I recommend a book called I thought it was just me (but it isn't) by Brene Brown. AMAZING book about shame.
And until then.... just hang in there!
Sabine, you really have nothing to be ashamed of. You have done nothing wrong, you are a human being with all of our human complexities coping in a difficult situation as best you can.
ReplyDeleteI am a domestic abuse survivor, so I understand that you feel shame but with time and therapy, you will come through this and life will go on. I know it doesn't feel that way right now.
Hang in there! Baby steps.....
Sabine, like Sharon, I am also a survivor of domestic abuse...my ex was however a Crack addict. I blamed myself, always thinking what I could have done to prevent it, why did I not see the warnings signs...(you know the questions you ask). It took alot of time to realise that I cannot control someone elses behaviour. I cannot be responsible for their actions. It took time but I got through it. Dont be ashamed of what was not your decision. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI cannot begin to imagine what it feels like to be in your position.... I can only empathize and it doesn't feel good. Don't feel shame, you are being proactive and taking care of you will help the situation and through therapy I believe you will find your way.
ReplyDeleteHang in there and do what you need to look after you xxx
I'm still out here. I'm still thinking of you. Wishing you strength. Keep us in the loop, let us know how you are.
ReplyDelete